Husband says I’m selfish

[LilyFlower2222]

I asked if we could spend Christmas on our own with DC without he’s family. Been together for 17 years and since I met his family I’ve been cooking Christmas dinner etc and not one of them offers to help even the washing up. DH says he helps which means him sitting down and having a drink. I still have to also look after the DC whilst hosting all the adults. We have been going to inlaws for past years. Now we are in a bigger property it’s still not big enough to host everyone however the inlaws are insisting on coming regardless. I explained it would be nice to have one Christmas where I’m not running around. I explained it’s not that I don’t want he’s family to come it’s because I also want to relax and enjoy Christmas with DC. My family live abroad so not involved. AIBU. Thanks

Is he utterly stupid? I just can't understand how anyone with half a brain cell could think it remotely justifiable to say you're selfish when you've spent 16 years slaving for his family every Christmas.

Selfish is spending over 17 years spending Christmas with your family and expecting your partner to do all the work.

You are not at all being selfish, totally get where you're coming from. Even if DH does help it's still the stress of having the house ready and everything isn't it, personally i know i wouldn't be able to just switch off and leave him too it even if he would do it all. I think you should definitely stick to your guns and say you would really like this 1 year of just you, dh and dc so you can relax and have nothing to do or stress about. Maybe a compromise could be that you all go out for xmas dinner somewhere with the IL's that way you have no prep or stress and get the majority of the day just the 3 of you but DH and ILs are happy because they get to be together too? But i still think it's not unreasonable for you to want a year to yourselves if you see the ILs every other year!

Bloody hell, don’t write him a list! He’s a fully functioning adult, if he wants to ‘host’ his family then he does ALL the work while you enjoy your day with your children.
Don’t help out or jump in if it all goes tits up.

He’s taking the piss and you’re letting him.

In the nicest possible way the OP sounds like a sweet person and not very assertive, and I suspect she realises that if she takes a step back and insists on her DH doing everything that Christmas Day will descend into an EastEnders style drama with her DH ranting and huffing over every bit of food prep/washing up he has to do, a horrible atmosphere and a day of pointing the finger at OP and blaming her for ruining Christmas. He sounds like a lazy man-child and will react like a lazy man-child, so whatever she does the OP will not get a lovely enjoyable Christmas because she will be at the mercy of her DH's shitty mood.

OP - why are you with this man? He sounds like he doesn't respect you or care for you that much and is just looking to have his meals cooked and socks washed. Wouldn't you like to have a relationship with somebody who values you and thinks of your feelings too?

WIth people like your husband, "selfish" means "won't do what I want"

I would just go to your family even if it's a bit pricey (Unless you really can't afford it) Otherwise you'll probably find yourself caving in and just doing it all as usual. Your husband has had it easy for all this time and clearly doesn't appreciate you or what you do for his family. By prioritising his family over your own at Christmas you've basically told him that his behaviour is fine. It's really not so please give yourself a break this year and leave him to cater for your ungrateful inlaws!

@becotide has very succinctly hit the nail on the head.

So you need to be firm and put your foot down. Go on strike. Make DH cook or get up off his backside.

Tell him it’s about time you had a Christmas.

book a nice dinner out with the DC on Christmas day - leave the rest of them to it - if they wont help. This is what we are doing this year, but as agreed with all the family. DH loves doing the Christmas dinner (I just do what Im told on the day which usually involves carving the meat or pouring drinks. He felt like he missed out on DSs first Christmas so I suggested a meal out without the hassle and the family were all up for it.

Tell him if he wants them there then he has to do the work. Write him a list of timings for everything and instructions and tell him youll be enjoying YOUR christmas with the DC and a nice glass of wine

Serve them all cheese on toast & sit back and tell your DH he's cleaning up. Then maybe start playing a nice long game of Monopoly until they all get fed up of not being waited on and they leave. Feel free to focus on your children! Don't let this 'family' ruin your Christmas with their extremely selfish approach to what is supposed to be a loving occasion. They are robbing you. Don't let them do this to you another time!

I would get my mum to call with an emergency a week before Christmas and I'd go over to her and have a lovely time.

And you know what? If you did, your MIL would cook and host all over Christmas so that her boy didn't have to lift a finger.

My ExH liked to tell me I was selfish. I didn't in fact host Christmas, but did quite desperately either want to visit my own FOO on occasion at Xmas, or have a Christmas with our own family.
But Xmas was always dictated by his mother. It was always spent at her house, (as was Easter, half term and any other available family time) She controlled everything. I did not help much at all because I didn't want to be there at all. ExH didn't help at all because he was a manipulative twat who believed it was my job to do these things.
ExH got his way every year by saying that I would have to do all the prep for Xmas if I wanted our own family xmas with visiting family, (his) and so there was a stalemate, because to be in the kitchen all day in my own house was to hand over my kids yet again for her to take over and be the central figure all day.
Now he is an ExH, for several reasons, but this is a very big one.
This year my family and I are going for a curry.

And yes, this went on for 17 years

in you place I would just book a day at the spa and leave them to sort themselves out.
🙄 oh FGS!

Really? Duck out on your children for Christmas Day because your partner is being a twat?

Why the hell is “spa day” the response to everything?

Glad you eventually got out Lostin3dspace

A spa day on Christmas day.

Brilliant.

I'd guess that he's learned calling you names is a good way to get you to double your workload, trying to prove him wrong?

When the correct answer is just to answer 'no'. To everything he says. Just 'no'. If he calls you selfish, you just answer 'no'. When he says his family are all coming over, just answer 'no'.

When he says 'tough, they're coming anyway', then you know what he really thinks of you, and you start making plans to leave.

Why the hell is “spa day” the response to everything

Equally ridiculous is the suggestion to 'book a restaurant'. How many restaurants will have availabilty less than 2 weeks before the big day?

And maybe the OP doesn't want to pay £50+ per head for a roast dinner because her DH won't pull his weight.

Projection is at work here.

Reply: I'm not the one being selfish.

time when someone says you're selfish it's usually them that's selfish. time to stand up for yourself.

easy! go do your food shop buy enough then proudly walk in the house saying this will be enough for us and kids? wait for the what about my family? then say well im not cooking for everyone and you know where the shops are, you can do it. tell him you will be swapping roles this year, he can cook, clean and look after the kids and you can enjoy a drink, if he says no then tell him well tell you family they cant come this year as you are having a break

Tell him dam right your being selfish, and he had better back you up...