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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send DD to the same school as DS?

123 replies

tartanfleece · 21/11/2017 18:55

Sorry if this sounds like boasting ... it really isn't, or not intentionally. DS is very, very clever. His dad is very clever so I suppose it's been picked up in the gene pool.

At any rate, DD is a perfectly bright little girl, but far more 'average' (note: I don't see this as a bad thing.)

However, I can't help but feel that if she attends the same school her brother did comparisons may inevitably be made and I'm not sure these are going to be completely fair comparisons. DD also isn't as well behaved although she might be different at school.

But at any rate WIBU to send her somewhere where she has a completely fresh slate? She should be starting school next september.

OP posts:
YesItsMeIDontCare · 21/11/2017 18:59

Speaking from experience, and still bearing the scars today, please do it.

I was academically more gifted, but my brother was nicer, more laid back, more pleasant, more mature, blah, blah, bloody blah...

I'm still known as "DB's Little Sister" and I'm in my fucking forties.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/11/2017 19:02

Is your son at selective school?would dd need to sit an entrance exam?
Reading your post,the tone is uncomfortable.its as if you’ve resigned your laasie to average but her brother he’s exceptional. I really hope yiur dd didn’t pick up on this

I’m in no way disputing that your son is v bright,but that’s not to say your dd won’t/can’t achieve too.i think anticipating tensions or comparisons is probably wrong. Your job as a parent is to not tolerate any oh you’re x sister,isn’t he clever. Not to expect it’ll happen so not send her to same school
Plus you can’t possibly say to her,you’re not attending same School because your brother is so clever...and you're average

Msqueen33 · 21/11/2017 19:04

I’d be tempted depending on what other options were available.

Original poster
tartanfleece · 21/11/2017 19:06

No, no, not selective or anything like that.

I really hoped that wouldn't come across in my post. It's hard to explain without sounding as if I have a downer on DD, which I don't (obviously.) She's bright and alert but compare her to DS at the same age and she is different. I'm not saying that's a bad thing or that she is somehow lacking: in some ways it might actually make her life easier. But I want her to be valued for who she is.

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 21/11/2017 19:06

Treat them as the individuals they are OP. Pick the school that best suits the child. Being constantly compared (not by you but potentially by the school) isn’t good for children.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/11/2017 19:10

Does she get to view the secondary schools and chose?where are her mates going?has her primary indicated what School would suit?

Someoneasdumbasthis · 21/11/2017 19:12

Sorry but it Sounds from your OP like DD isn’t at school yet? In which case you ha e no idea how either of them will perform as they move through the years.

Original poster
tartanfleece · 21/11/2017 19:13

It's primary not secondary, she is only 3 but starting school next september.

OP posts:
SparklyLeprechaun · 21/11/2017 19:14

I think you're overthinking this. DS is very bright academically, top of the class in every subject, etc. DD is clever but nowhere near her brother. Going to the same school has made no difference whatsoever, they didn't have the same teachers and I doubt they were the talk of the staff room.

Chilver · 21/11/2017 19:15

People couldn't believe I was actually related to my sibling when they found out. They are very talented in one area; I was talented too but I was born second and completely overshone so was constantly commented on in disbelief and being compared to them in this one area. I was good in other areas but our school was particularly biased to this one area.

Agree with pp about treating them individually and choosing a school that suits them individually so they can each shine in their own ways.

BrieAndChilli · 21/11/2017 19:15

My DS1 is exceptionally bright (eg reading full on novels before he started school) and so I always compared DD who is in the year below to him, anyway she always scores brilliantly in her tests (spelling is 2 years ahead for her age, brilliant reading skills) etc but I didn’t see it until she went to school and was compared to her peers rather than comparing her to her brother!!
But she is much better at loads of other stuff than him and much more sociable so it swings in roundabouts and I think DS1 has benefited from having a popular younger sister in some ways!

DS2 on the other hand!! In some ways I’m glad his older siblings are at school to prove that I did raise well behaved eager to learn children in 2 out of 3 cases!!!

Original poster
tartanfleece · 21/11/2017 19:16

It's a small school so there's no real way of avoiding having the same teachers, unless there's a dramatic staff turnover. Just a thought really.

OP posts:
RosieposiePuddingandPi · 21/11/2017 19:17

I agree with pp, send them to different schools if you can. I was academic at school and my sister was sporty so we both did well in our own fields but because my sister was younger, teachers always compared her unfavourably to me in academic subjects which really upset her through school and she still mentions it now.

LML83 · 21/11/2017 19:17

If DDs friends are going to same school as DS i would send her there too. It's a big change you need friends.

I can imagine the comparison being an issue at primary school if they get a teacher who has already had the older child but at high school there are many more teachers so less chance of crossover.

Also ds could average out and high school may be the making of DD they may just be learning/maturing at different rates.

bluestarthread · 21/11/2017 19:18

She's' 3???
Send her to the same school, choose different secondaries if need be when the time comes but don't saddle them (and yourself) with the complications of different primary schools unless she decides she's unhappy there.

BewareOfDragons · 21/11/2017 19:19

She's 3???

I think you're over thinking this. You have no idea what she's actually going to be like or how she's going to do yet. Make your life easier; put them in the same primary school. You can always re-evaluate at secondary level.

ConciseandNice · 21/11/2017 19:20

She's 3. You honestly don't know yet. Send her to the school you think she'll like. Honestly, normal and even above average kids do just as well at primary school as gifted kids. Being gifted no surer defines future success as being a graduate these days. I'm sure she's awesome. Treat her like it. That said, my siblings still go on about the high school comparisons with me. Not fair. I just think at primary it should be easier.

Bringmewineandcake · 21/11/2017 19:21

What is the age gap between them?
Reading your first post I had assumed we were talking secondary schools. I really can’t see it being much of an issue at primary level. How would you get them to 2 different primaries and home again?

Original poster
tartanfleece · 21/11/2017 19:23

7 years. DS will be starting secondary as DD starts primary.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/11/2017 19:23

Christ,have a word with shes 3!.i thought you’d say he s1 and she p7
You’re shockingly already labelling and predicting her as average,at 3yo
I thought you had a p7 girl with class tests and an evidence base,not what ifs

SavageBeauty73 · 21/11/2017 19:24

Definitely overthinking if she's 3. The logistics would be a pain.

BrieAndChilli · 21/11/2017 19:25

Even less chance of being compared being a problem with that age gap! God teachers won’t really be spending thier time putting DD down compared to thier brother who they may have taught 7 years ago!!!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 21/11/2017 19:26

I'm not sure about primary school, as at primary I quite liked having my elder brother with me.

but at I'm another who spent their secondary life being elder siblings little sister. I loved the school and most teachers did treat me as an individual but it was also the elder children that were constantly going to my older brother your little sister did this that or other or telling me I wasn't as clever as him and my form teacher often used to say oh come on naught your elder big onions sister you should behave like him.

So it's certainly something I'd think about for secondary

NeverUseThisName · 21/11/2017 19:26

I wouldn't make any assumptions at this stage. I have similar, in that dc1 is scarily bright, whereas dc2 is 'just' bright. At least, that's what it looked like at first, and that's how everyone responded to them. They went to the same schools. Dc1 was identified as G&T throughout primary, dc2 was not. Yet when you look at their reports, dc2 scores the same or higher than dc1 scored at that age in virtually everything.

When they went to secondary, and sat CATs, the school identified each of them as High Potential. The secondary was not star-struck by dc1's extrovert self-confidence, nor deceived by dc2's quiet modesty.

Choose the school for the best fit with your dc, rather than for the absence of her big brother.

KindergartenKop · 21/11/2017 19:26

At 3 she could be super clever but just hasn't shown her niche yet. Older siblings often get more chance for hothousing due to being only children for a time.

Secondly, teachers do privately make comparisons, they might sometimes accidentally mix up names. However, they should NEVER say 'You're not as clever as your brother Bob' or 'You should be more like your brother'.