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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send DD to the same school as DS?

123 replies

tartanfleece · 21/11/2017 18:55

Sorry if this sounds like boasting ... it really isn't, or not intentionally. DS is very, very clever. His dad is very clever so I suppose it's been picked up in the gene pool.

At any rate, DD is a perfectly bright little girl, but far more 'average' (note: I don't see this as a bad thing.)

However, I can't help but feel that if she attends the same school her brother did comparisons may inevitably be made and I'm not sure these are going to be completely fair comparisons. DD also isn't as well behaved although she might be different at school.

But at any rate WIBU to send her somewhere where she has a completely fresh slate? She should be starting school next september.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 22/11/2017 07:14

The funny thing is OP, everybody expressed the way my sister was as "free spirited". And she still is. She just wouldn't fit/mould into anybody's expectations.

UserX · 22/11/2017 07:21

The only person comparing them at the moment is you OP. I don’t think it matters if they go to different schools, your poor DD is already in her brother’s shadow at home.

Original poster

tartanfleece · 22/11/2017 07:24

To be honest User, it is the other way around and I do worry about this and try to make sure DS isn't sidelined in any way.

But I think some people are reading what they want to read.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 22/11/2017 07:30

I have a gifted ds, who is very gifted in skewed way. He has shown all the signs from early age. He is still way ahead of others in yr5. On the other hand, I have a gifted sister who was totally different from my ds.
You never know, but my visibly gifted ds is no way near my sister's level, tbh.

Hotpinkangel19 · 22/11/2017 07:35

She is 3!! How sad that you're already writing her off. Give her a chance.

AChickenCalledKorma · 22/11/2017 07:41

I know someone who choose different secondaries for her two children because the younger one "needed a different approach". It's perfectly clear to everyone - including her children - that she thinks the younger one is less clever. That probably does more harm than if she had sent then to the same school and teachers made the occasional comment.

Also, staff turnover is such that your younger child will probably have a completely different experience regardless. There's only three years between my (also radically different) children and their experiences of the same schools have been very individual.

Original poster

tartanfleece · 22/11/2017 07:46

On a national level, staff turnover is high but that doesn't mean it translates to individual schools. DS's school has been staffed more or less consistently since he began in Year 1 with the odd temporary member of staff for long term sick and such like.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 22/11/2017 07:54

It just sound odd that you think she is average at age 3.
If you read some of G&T thread, there are children who has shown giftedness early, and others who didn't. Some said they didn't even speak until 3+. I think it's very harmful to label your dcs at an early age.

OneInEight · 22/11/2017 07:57

it is a pain in the neck to do two different schools - we did it for different reasons but I am not sure I would do for this one. Children mature at different ages - of my cousins children the one they initially thought was not as clever as her older sibling has now outstripped her. As long as they are not in the same class there will not be a lot of comparisons made. Alternatively she could choose to do as my younger brother did and totally disown his older siblings - worked for him as we were several years older. I am sure my mother turning up at parents evenings was a bit of a give away though.

MiaowTheCat · 22/11/2017 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/11/2017 08:34

Surely one 'very' would have been adequate to describe how clever your ds rather than two! Send them to the same school and stop making such a big deal out of how clever he is. Maybe concentrate on making them both into well rounded human beings

TillyTheTiger · 22/11/2017 08:56

I can completely understand why you'd consider this OP. I was very academic and my sister was compared to me frequently -
she still has little confidence as an adult and I feel it has done lasting damage. Are you otherwise happy with the school?

WorkingBling · 22/11/2017 09:07

I think you're taking an unnecessary beating and the tone of your original post was completely fine.

Frankly, if they were closer in age, I'd say go ahead and put them in different schools so that they each get to shine in their own way. But... if the age gap is so big I honestly don't think it's as much of an issue. I went to the same primary school as my sister who was much older than me and honestly, most people barely remembered her. It was different in high school where she was very well known and even after she'd left I had a lot of teachers comparing us, but primary was fine.

So basically, I'd say seeing as you don't have drop offs and pick ups etc to worry about, go and revisit all the local schools and make a decision for dd based on which school you instinctively think works best for her.

CatkinToadflax · 22/11/2017 09:27

My older brother was the genius and I was ‘the other one’. I was in his shadow throughout primary school and then remained in his shadow through secondary school and beyond, even though we went to different single sex grammar schools, because my family kept me in his shadow. He is still the genius and I am still the average one, even in our 40s (we laugh about it between us but tbh it has hurt both of us).

DS1, aged 3, could read absolutely anything - he’d sit and fluently read the back of cereal packets (riboflavin, anyone? ) and seemed to be exceptionally bright. DS2, on the other hand, started school unable to read and I’m ashamed to admit that we actually wondered if something was wrong with him because we assumed that fluent reading aged 3 was normal.

They are now aged 12 and 9. DS1 is quite severely autistic, attends a special school and will probably never live independently. DS2 may still not read about riboflavin but he’s very bright and on an accelerated learning programme at school.

Just wanted to share this with you OP because your daughter is still so very little. Please just don’t let her know that she’s ‘average’.

reallyanotherone · 22/11/2017 09:40

She’s 3, and you’re already resigning her as “less intelligent”?!

At 3 you have no fucking idea what they’ll turn out like. Many children designated child genius through primary end up distinctly average- others can, and do, catch up.

My friends ds was on the g+t track at primary. He’s just got good, but average gcse’s- b’s with a couple of a’s. And that was putting quite a bit of work in.

My dd couldn’t read in year 4. Biff and chip didn’t interest her, and what she wanted to read was far above her ability. Once the reading “clicked”, she flew. She’s year 9 now and top set in all subjects, on track for mainly a’s at gcse.

Kids who read early often do seem superbright at first, until the rest catch up.

Your son may seen comparatively clever at this young age, but give it a few years and you may have a different picture. You may find your son excels at languages, but your dd is equally good at science.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 22/11/2017 09:41

DS1 & 2 are in the same infant school. Maternity leave means that DS2 has a different teacher to the one DS1 had 2 years ago. Staff including support staff have also shuffled around so there is a clean difference in their staffing already.

They are quite clearly siblings, we have a distinctive surname and they look alike so the connection is easily made. They are very different children. Some areas they overlap in, some strengths and difficulties are in very different areas. I've got no fear of one typecasting the other though.

You've got a large age gap which means that memories of a 5yo DS will be quite hazy compared to the presence of 5yo DD. If you had a specific concern about the school that would be different, but I wouldn't change a primary school that I was happy with out of a general worry about comparison.

3 is still very early and children can bloom at different times. At that point DS2 was a chatterbox in decent sentences, but DS1 was quiet, deep in thought and had a speech delay- he's now a chatterbox too!
Early readers can be caught up with etc.

Secondaries can be more specialised in focus that will suit some children/ siblings more than others, but that's a very long way off at this stage.

Myheartbelongsto · 22/11/2017 10:19

My younger brother went to a different secondary school than the rest of us and we never felt put out.

He is very intelligent and I was very grateful for his brains when I retook my maths GCSE and he tutored me. He was only 13 at the time.

I have three children all with different interests and will be sending them to schools that will bring out the best in each of them.

WhyOhWine · 22/11/2017 10:40

I think the age gap is too big for this to be an issue. I am oldest of 3. me and next sibling (one school year behind) were both very bright academically. I suspect in my case this was obvious a bit earlier than in DB's case because I was one of the oldest in the school year and he was at the younger end of his year. Also, he was much less outgoing than me.Even so, it would have been obvious to the teachers fairly early that he was bright too. Youngest sibling is much younger and started primary in my first year at secondary and DB's last year at primary. Much more average academically (but absolutely lovely with many other qualities!).
My poor DB suffered a bit from comparisons to me, even though he was also very bright .
My mum said that my sister did not at all, however, even though she had a lot of the same teachers as we did (my mum was a bit worried about it because she thought there may have been even more expecation on her given she had 2 bright older siblings). It is just too big a gap to make comparisons and teachers will have taught other bright (and average etc) children in the meantime. teachers will think of your son as the grown up Y6 boy that he now is rather than the 4 year old he once was, and you cant compare an 11 yo to a 4 yo.

In your shoes i dont think this should impact your school choice. if all the options are good, send DD to the closest school as that is best from a friendship perspective.

Lilyhatesjaz · 22/11/2017 10:59

My DS was only talking odd words at 3 and was definitely not interested in reading until 5 or 6 but after a slower start he caught up and over took some of the others and is now at university.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 22/11/2017 11:03

Not rtft but my view is this.

Parents often spend time agonising the school for Pfb yet just send subsequent children there.

Different children different needs.

Lotsofsighing · 22/11/2017 11:12

I agree with PPs. I don't think school is an issue, but your attitude is.

You honestly have no idea whether a child is average or gifted at 3.

Do you think there might be some latent sexism going on too? It seems a coincidence that their father is 'very clever' one, inherited by the boy-child, while the females in the family are more 'average'.

Bitlost · 22/11/2017 12:35

You're completely overthinking it. Send them to the same school. Life will be so much easier. If teachers compare them, be firm and state that you don't want any comparison to be made.

fantasmasgoria1 · 22/11/2017 12:41

My son was very bright and when my daughter started school they said she was arty but will never be academic. What rubbish that was! She out performed him and is definitely more intelligent and academic so things can change with time!

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