To not send DD to the same school as DS?

[tartanfleece]

Sorry if this sounds like boasting ... it really isn't, or not intentionally. DS is very, very clever. His dad is very clever so I suppose it's been picked up in the gene pool.

At any rate, DD is a perfectly bright little girl, but far more 'average' (note: I don't see this as a bad thing.)

However, I can't help but feel that if she attends the same school her brother did comparisons may inevitably be made and I'm not sure these are going to be completely fair comparisons. DD also isn't as well behaved although she might be different at school.

But at any rate WIBU to send her somewhere where she has a completely fresh slate? She should be starting school next september.

I am a secondary teacher. Some times I pick up fairly quickly there is the younger brother or sister; other times I might not make the connection for a while.

With respect, I won't care! I don't have time with over 200 children in eight classes to worry about such things. It might help inform me of family background in particular instances (PP for instance) but the child in front of me in the classroom is the one I will be getting to know.

Why can't you just talk to your DD about the sort of school she would like and what it means for her?

My sister thought my nephew was a genius at 3. He was very good at talking early and a real people pleaser/performer so we could all see it. Her DD was quieter and thought to be more average.

Turns out at primary school both very similar ability. Different personalities, strengths and style of working but both above average in most subjects.

I really don’t think teachers are going to make assumptions based on her brother who is 7 years older.
Like I said we are always being told that DS1 is remarkable in his academic ability, visiting teachers are often astounded etc but we’ve never had any issue with either of his siblings at the same school as him having assumptions made about them, the teachers are good enough to be able to look at DD and DS2 in thier own right and pick up on their own strengths and weaknesses.

Errrr op she’s only 3. Why have you already written her off?

Plus, they are very different.

DS is quiet, thoughtful, introspective and hesitant.

DD is on the surface more likely to break rules and take risks, although she lacks DS's stubbornness.

I'm not sure why saying I have a totally normal child is writing her off!

If anything, she's like me, i.e. average.

If the ability difference continues to be what it is, then I would do it. I was the very bright first child and my sister, 6 school years later (I skipped 2 grades, we are only 4 years apart), took the brunt of it.

She is a very bright person and always has been! She did many academic extracurriculars I did, but while she would be maybe second or third best in the school, instead of getting to feel proud of that accomplishment, she always got comparisons to me ... and I had gotten into the upper echelons of national competitions in those extracurriculars, had been second or third in my highly-populated state (we're in the US), that kind of thing.

I was also quite well-known in my school years by all the teachers, since my performance in academics and extracurriculars was the kind of thing the papers talked a lot about.

My sister got horribly high expectations from everyone and got to feel like she was actually disappointing people even when she would score in the 98th-99th percentile on exams. It was awful and it broke her confidence for years. She is one of my best friends and closest confidantes today, and we've often discussed how utterly shit it was to have everyone comparing us constantly (I hated the comparisons to her, back then, too, because she is beauty-queen gorgeous and popular, while I was the nerd archetype personified).

If we'd been in different schools, her teachers could have celebrated her for her incredible intellect and achievements instead of always acting like she was behind. It was terribly unfair to her and made it hard for us to form a friendship until we were adults. Now we are both in highly intellectually demanding professions and I don't think anyone would really consider one of us smarter than the other in our day-to-day lives. She's still prettier, and I still solve crosswords a bit faster...and we love each other to bits now that we know we're not worse people than the other for not being as amazing as each other at everything.

You have a normal three year old... Three is barely out of the baby years, you cannot assess the academic ability of a toddler and label them “average”, “more likely to break rules and take risks” so she’s a normal three year old. Seriously her personality and intellectual ability will change so much between 3 and 10, she may even become more clever than your DS you really can’t judge how smart a toddler will become. You’re crazy.

Do you really need this explained?theyre different chronological ages,and at different milestones. Thus they will exhibit different personalities

Besides what does average academic ability at 3 even mean? She can only count to 10 whereas DS could count to 30? You need to stop comparing them and categorising them so presumptously. It’s not about speed, I was one of the worst readers at 5-6 but by 11 had the reading age of a 16 year old.

If the schools are much of a muchness and the other school is just as convenient, you could send here there so she can be 'DD' rather than 'DS's sister'.

I have an older sibling who I was compared to all through school - 6 years apart - and it really annoyed me. It's as if we couldn't be equally good at something - the teachers always compared and it affected my confidence. I did feel like there was no point trying sometimes (this is in senior school) as DB would already have done it better than I ever could.

This reminds me of that situation on the gifted child programme where they compete, and there was a boy who was considered gifted, which he was, by his parents, and then they tested the daughter who had been completely overlooked, and she also scored at gifted levels! They'd all forgotten to think about her in the rush to praise the elder child.

OP this is particularly a non-issue as your son is leaving primary. Even the most gifted children don't stay that much in teachers' minds after they have left, they move on to the cohorts they have. I think you are really over-egging the pudding to think teachers will see your four year old and make a lasting and negative comparison with a child who isn't even in the school any more. Many teachers will have moved on after 7 years and it's just not going to be an issue.

I think where there's a very close age gap or once they get to secondary and taking exams, it can be better for them to forge their own paths and I can see advantages and disadvantages of having them in different schools.

This is a non-starter of an idea though and your reasoning in relation to your daughter is really quite odd given her age.

I was worried about that when my children were younger, small village state school, they all had the same teachers.

I must be the luckiest person in the universe as none of the teacher EVER compared the children, even though they were all very close together, so one after another and very different (all well behaved but very different abilities and personalities).

When they moved to an independent school later on, also we never had any comparisons made.

I did end up sending DS1 to a different school but it was more fluke e.g. he needed a much more challenging environment academically and was lucky enough to get into a top school.

I saw it more as catering for his individual needs rather than distancing from the siblings. If anything, it was sad they didn't all keep attending the same school.

I cant begin to imagine why anyone would seriously consider juggling two primary schools if you didn't have to. The challenge of multiple pick up and drop offs, different assemblies, inset days etc is mind blowing.

If you do this, one of your DC will end up the one who gets dropped off early / late has to wait for pick up etc. That has got to be worse than being the not quite such a superstar DC.

FWIW That little girl was me - I had a gifted older sibling in the year above me all the way through school - and I grew up absolutely fine.

Please stop assuming you can tell whether or not your DD is "average" at three, you really can't. My DS1 was a very precocious, obviously intelligent, thoughtful child and DS2 was a more strong and silent type - you'd probably have suggested he was "plodding" at age 3. Fortunately no one made any assumptions about what he might be at that stage and as he matured his academic ability became more and more apparent and now as he's the same age as your son and a very high achiever in every bloody area! His older still has all the bling of a verbally acute child but he doesn't actually achieve any better.

I also feel uneasy that it's your DH and son who are gifted (the males) but you and your DD who are "average". Just screams of internalised sexism.

Glad to note your DD is a rule breaker and risk taker though - not traits you normally see in "average" children at all.

*SuperBeagle

Unless your son possesses the intelligence of Einstein or Newton, you shouldn't delude yourself into thinking he will be particularly memorable seven years down the line.*
I was thinking this too but didn't like to say so! Sorry OP but I think you are probably the only one who is making a big meal of this. Your poor DD. I really hope you are not transfering any of this onto her. She will have her own talents. Being highly academic isn't the only thing prized at school either. Your daughter might be beyond average in social and emotional intelligence. She might have a personality and artistic talents beyond anything your DS has. Teachers might adore her for those things!

All of my children went to different secondary schools, and different 6th forms. we picked according to their personalities and needs. OK , so we live in London and I have something like 24 secondary schools in a 5 mile radius so we have choice. I appreciate that isn't the case for the whole country

Having looked at your further updates OP perhaps the best course of action is to look at the primary schools in your area as though she is your first child. Look at all possibilities including your current primary with an objective eye and in relation to which fits your DD best. Please do not think one good School is much the same as the next... ethos is all, look at prospectuses and visit - do not rely on Ofsted ratings and sats results they offer only snapshots not a holistic view. You may find that you like an alternative school better than the one your DS is at, remember schools can change quite radically in 6-7 years. On the other hand, you might find that you still like DS’s the most, in which case you need to decide whether the slight risk of comparison outweighs the benefits of it being your favourite and or course knowing the ropes there and already having a relationship with it & its staff. So in short... got on those websites and book in some visits... and discover whether the grass is as green let alone greener elsewhere. Most of all don’t panic!

OP If you can do this I would do so .. DD3 was in the shadow of her very clever older brother and this really did have an affect on her in how she viewed her primary schooling. On getting to a different secondary to her big brother she has blossomed and really come ahead in her education. I made the comment to her about how her primary had not been ideal for her I said " you were a bit in ds shadow" Her response..
"A bit?? A BIT??? I was like TOTALLY In his shadow He was Mario I was Luigi"
(obviously we now call her Luigi )

For us it was not possible as she is only 2 years younger than ds.. However I wish it would have been the difference in her now being allowed to just be DD3 and not DS's little sister it is like having a different child.. DD3 is not stupid far from it she is just not the social butterfly who wants to try everything and is into everything like ds is..

This reminds me of that situation on the gifted child programme where they compete, and there was a boy who was considered gifted, which he was, by his parents, and then they tested the daughter who had been completely overlooked, and she also scored at gifted levels! They'd all forgotten to think about her in the rush to praise the elder child.

Agreed. My niece and nephew are in a similar situation. Nephew is exceptionally gifted academically in a certain area and has a hobby that reflects this. A lot of time and energy gets poured into his hobby, including tutoring and ferrying him all over the world! My poor niece is overlooked by her parents as a result, even though she has enormous talent in different areas and just needs some nurturing to develop and reach her full potential (I can only imagine she'd have flown and been 'noticed' if she'd received tutoring in her areas of strength). I've noticed that my niece is never really praised or talked about in the same way as my nephew and this is something she does pick up on. It's become a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy (she no longer bothers to try as her efforts aren't recognised/her achievements aren't as 'notable' to her parents).

OP, I noticed that you described your children using positive language for your son and negative language for your daughter.
You've also already labelled your daughter 'average' and said that you're ok with what that means to you, but to be honest that does seem a little complacent and as though it might be ok to sit by and not bother encouraging her to excel in anything 'because she's average and that's ok'.
Instead of doing this, try focusing on the positives and your daughters strengths, nurture her different talents and enable her to blossom.

Isn't it a bit early to tell whether she's stupid or not?

My sister is gifted. She has photographic memory and get any concepts instantly. Nobody noticed this, rather they thought she was quite slow and may have learning difficulty. When she started school(6), they found out she had very high iq, profoundly gifted range. She was sociable and extrovert and had many friends. She was good at anything, no skewed interest, she didn't show any typical feature of gifted child.

I didn't once say she was stupid, as you know ttbb and I think you just posted that to be deliberately provocative.

Obviously, a 3 year old will be different to a ten year old. But DS, at a similar age, was different. I'm not drawing any adverse inferences from that. But he was reading, he was understanding and processing stories. DD isn't. I've tried to teach her the basics and she has been taught some stuff by nursery but she isn't really interested: she just shoots off to the next thing.

I think my daughter is (as we all think our own children are) amazing. I think she's beautiful. Not in the way you might think: she's just herself, she's a free spirit. But she is not DS. And DS is not her.

But good advice above. I will just consider schools on their own merits.

I went to x primary school, my ds went there too and my dd is currently there.

There is an 8 year gap between them so although they know dd from going to drop offs/pick ups etc as a baby, he had left the year before she started.

My ds is extremely talented in a specific area. It's always mentioned to me when I see certain teachers.
Dd has only just started displaying the same talent after being in the school for 3 years.

Her school know who her older brother is, apart from newer teachers. It has never ever caused an issue.
Dd is much academically brighter than her brother was at that age, same upbringing, opportunities etc so it means nothing.

It's not an environmental issue. They have different abilities and that's what makes them both unique.

I honestly don't see the problem.

I see your point OP. Dd1 who is 10 is very bright and a high achiever. When DD2 started at the same school i noticed she had a lot of problems early on with her reading and writing. When i went into school they repeatedly dismissed my concerns and pretty much told me my expectations were too high because of DD1. To cut a long story short DD2 has been diagnosed as severely dyslexic with dyspraxia after a pretty tough battle with school.

My children are chalk and cheese and i cant help but feel she will be in DD1's shadow all through primary.