To not bother with school Mums

[TribbleToilandTrouble]

Both my DC are at school, and two classes later it seems that I struggle to make friends with the school Mums.

I've just been at a class party, and I felt very largely ignored (apart from talking to the person who made the coffee and saying thank you for having us). I realise I should make an effort, but the efforts I do make seem to be largely ignored. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite a chatty friendly person. However, only so much you can do before you just don't bother anymore.

Has anyone else found this?

Yes...it's hard work! I go with aloof but super friendly and chatty if anyone does speak to me!

"School mums" are just other women who have children the same age as you. There is no reason you should have any more or less trouble befriending them than any other women you encounter.

Suspect from your language that maybe you already deem "school mums" the type of people you won't get on with, and this may be your problem.

Show your face once or twice, smile a lot, then only go only on a 'need to' basis so that you catch up on the grapevine.

I suffer from 'Fuck off face' unfortunately so have the same problem. I'm not great at chit chat so tend to not bother.

girl No, I have tried, I've invited people for coffee etc, chatted at the school gates. It just feels that a lot of the time that the effort isn't reciprocal. I think a lot bond when the kids are in nursery, so they already have people to meet up by the time they get to reception.

I never understood the whole let's socialise with people at the school gate thing. Just why? The only thing you have in common with them is that your children are in the same year at the same school and you only see each other for 15 minutes a day. Be polite sure. If you happen to find that you get on and over a number of years become good friends that's great but I really don't understand the pressure to have friends at the school gate. At no other point in your life would you be expected to befriend the strangers that you regular encounter like that guy who usually takes the same train as you or that young couple you always see at the supermarket. So why are you expected to make friends at the school gate?

I do know a lot of the mum's from preschool as youve described so can't say I feel how you're feeling. However what I would do in your situation is seek out the really friendly warm ones. They probably won't be in the thick of the clique but will generally be really smiley. Then be very smiley and friendly too and you will strike up a conversation.

Alternatively the PTA can be a good way of meeting people. Or as you say just forget the whole thing and play with your phone a lot.

Ttb I don’t get it either

I have a 23 year old, a 19 year old and an 18 year old. I was that aloof mum. No I don't want to chat and no I don't want to have coffee. I have started all over again now with a 1 and a 2 year old. Sigh ..... here we go again but no I don't want to chat and no I don't want coffee and the reason is. I don't want their drama. Think of it as a lucky escape OP

My children have both left school, but I'm still good friends with many of the Mums I met at primary school. It's up to you whether or not you bother with them, but it's is nice if you can make friends with some of them. I really enjoy having a group of people irl who have children going through the same phases as mine.

It may just be early days, it can take a whole me to get to know people and make friends. I joined the PTA - hated by MN I know, but ours was great!

I have no interest in being friends with school mums. I smile and make polite conversation if spoken to, but I don't go out of my way to interact with them. I just couldn't be bothered with playground politics at my age.

Do you generally not bother with people? They are just people. People who happen to have kids the same age as you. Step one might be to remove the "school mum" label.

Fine if you have enough friends, but as long as the kids are still in primary, especially under-8, their friendships can suffer because they can't go and meet their friends by themselves yet.

there's some antisocial fuckers around!

"Don't want the drama"? How much drama comes form "Two sugars in mine, please!"

My kids are big now but some of my best friends have been made in the playground at primary school, waiting for our kids to come out. I always went i with the attitude that a stranger is a friend I haven't met yet. It's trite for a reason - it's true.

I completely get what you’re saying. However there is so much drama and competition amongst the ‘school mums’. Asking a working mum I was going to struggle from the get go. Some of them stopped talking to me.... I’ve had various kids I’ve for play dates with my DCs and very rarely is the invite returned and occasionally I get some nippy comments for entertaining them too much- ie doing a craft thing or something.
It used to really get to me, but I think a lot of them have some real issues and are extremely insecure. If I make some friends great, if not so be it.
Be yourself and don’t try to ‘fit in’. 💐

becotide

You already sound dramatic.

I've never found school mums that I gelled with either - tbh I think the only parents that have befriended each other are those that know each other through some other route than school (work/hobby) or those that are SAHMs with pre-school children as they hang out more during the day.

I did make an effort to make small talk and at least say hello and how was your day? I never made any friends, but I did at least get to know a few people well enough to ask for a favour such as picking a DC up - which I do think is a good idea, unless you have lots of family support!

In text I am massively dramatic. IRL I'm quite sweet and unassuming.

I really wish people wouldn't use the word 'anti-social' incorrectly. It is not anti-social to not want to drink tea with other parents...unless you're also spitting on them, while waving a fist in their face to tell them.

I actually found it particularly important as working parents to make these connections. Playdates and helping each other out would have been impossible without. As I said before. they are just people and a lot more than "school mums". I'm a school mum, but also so much more. Maybe they sense the "you are just a school mum" attitude?

We have a really good network and I made plenty of friends who I like quite independently of their same-age kids. Kids are now older and don't need us to hover, so we meet whilst they meet.

Id be a bit cautious of becoming too out of the loop. Recently I was the only parent to pay a deposit for a class trip. I knew a few weren't thrilled with the proposed venue but apparently the other parents all agreed told not sign up for it. Another trip has now been agreed but I have felt such a twat ever since.

I only do the school run about once a month, but my timings mean there is no need to hang around the school playground ( and no I have never been late collecting him) and chat. For parties I was dropping and running from 3 years onwards. This has never been an issue for friends for my ds as they all come knocking for each other and have so since p.2. I never understand the school playground angst on mumsnet, and I don't think you would get many dad's worrying about it.

Threads like this make me realise there's a much higher proportion of introverts on here than irl. Nothing wrong with that, I just find some of the comments strange. To me, it's completely natural to want your chat to people you see everyday and want to get to know them. I like having lots of friends to do things with.