To not bother with school Mums

[TribbleToilandTrouble]

Both my DC are at school, and two classes later it seems that I struggle to make friends with the school Mums.

I've just been at a class party, and I felt very largely ignored (apart from talking to the person who made the coffee and saying thank you for having us). I realise I should make an effort, but the efforts I do make seem to be largely ignored. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite a chatty friendly person. However, only so much you can do before you just don't bother anymore.

Has anyone else found this?

I know this experience all too well. I made a decision not to care and now I am classes at the aloof rude one!

I'm a Mum - I have very little time to chat to other similar Mums and so I love to get an opportunity at the gates or at a kids party.... I might seem like I'm ignoring some other Mums - I'm not, I'm chatting to the ones I already know in a very limited time frame. It's not about cliques or anything like that.

I don't chat, but I'm not usually dropping off or picking up and I'm not particularly sociable. I find people tiring and I've generally found that any small talk beyond the weather tends to be about something I'm really not interested in and know nothing about.

I’m not very chit chatty but it’s very useful to have a few good friends in the class. We rely on each other for reminders as well as ad hoc childcare. It’s a community really.

My personal experience (not general so pls no one take offence) is that I find the playground mums (sahm/wahm ime) extremely involved, almost over invested in their child, their friendships,competition for grades & nativity parts, gossipy about teachers, always in either complaining or up the teachers arse about something. Just chill, go back to work & have your own life. I find it a bit sad really, getting there at 3 so you can fit in more blah about little jimmy & his latest hilarious habit only 20 minutes later it’s all over

It's about being civil and it's something that I am trying to teach my DC via practicing it. Myself and one other SEN mother work and the others don't. Of course they are closer and their dynamic is very different. However we all have each other's backs. We are all supportive of each other and our DC because life is hard enough without adults adding unnecessary histrionics.

Is making friends with the other school mums a thing?
Only as much as making friends with neighbours, fellow students, colleagues etc is. If you are not the friend-making sort, then no.
It’s not quite the same though because you’re forced into the same small area twice a day for 10 minutes! That’s an odd situation to be in for several years at a time

I've made really good friends at the school gate, but it happened fairly naturally over the course of the years, not overnight.

What is this species called "school mums"? How do they differ from "parents"?

I think it is the short space of time. Plus that conversation is stopped at any moment when DCs appear. If at work/ college/ on the bus conversation would be more regular and as long as required, or you knew your bus stop was coming and could end it.
Also everyone else in the vicinity can hear your conversation, unless you use hushed tones. Not chat promoting imv.
I can't think of a similar situation except a queue. How many friends have you made queuing regularly for anything.

I find it a bit sad really, getting there at 3 so you can fit in more blah about little jimmy & his latest hilarious habit only 20 minutes later it’s all over

Do people really not understand that "school mums” are fully capable of having conversations just like "normal" people? That they are in fact normal people? We used to talk about all kinds of stuff, oddly enough.

Nice little dig about SAHMs in there too.

Pax, I am "the sort" to make friends. But I practically could not meet friends at the school gate as I'll never be there.

Now, regarding time off work, I don't get 14 weeks off, but dh gets the schoool holidays off

"Do people really not understand that "school mums” are fully capable of having conversations just like "normal" people? That they are in fact normal people?"

This. Oh, this!

Exactly Bertrand - the snootiness about "all had sex in the same year so nothing in common" Schtick well your university friends are your friends because their parents all had sex in the same year

Genuinely feel for people who find themselves in the "wrong" area i.e. They are open and friendly but move to Royston Vaisey "you're not from round here" and no one will let them in or they just can't find like minded souls that must be tough and I sympathise.

I love my school mum friends. Group gets bigger and bigger we all went away for a long weekend and our suburb was apparently like a ghost town with all the mums gone

Hi all, I think some people just naturally click and due to other factors such as already having a busy life or friends people can't extend their time to make new friends. I have spent 4 years trying and now Don't take offence and just am friendly and accept it and appreciate the couple of non-mum friends I do have. It is tough but as long as my kids are happy at school I make sure I go to the parties with them and usually just think this too will pass!

I tend to agree with the posters above who have said that you shouldn’t feel under any pressure to socialise at the school gate, the large majority of them I have absolutely nothing in common with each other bar the kids and I find other parents are so competitive.

However -where I live we all live within spitting distance of each other, so I’m bumping into them all the time and I find that suffocating although I can see that it’s nice for the kids.

I’m definitely not on the ‘top table’ (motherload), I swerve the ptfa mums and I’ve always been on the outside of cliques... I’m quite happy with that but I can appreciate that the whole stupid thing can get stressful for some.

Playground politics, it’s very real, but it’s everywhere let’s face it - the workplace, school, even in families the dynamics are often strained. I’ve got a couple of close friends and that’s enough for me!

I also found this article re the motherload programme that seems to have got everyone talking, I think it sums up the situation nicely!

myfamilyhomeblog.wordpress.com/2017/11/07/is-motherland-toxic/

Thanks for the link julesussex. I agree with article that kids were free to roam outside and it made it more easier as a mum not being cooped up with them all the time. Also a great insight to helping kids be more resilient is a book called: How to bring up an adult. Worth reading and certainly gives a different perspective and has made me worry less and be less overprotective. Sorry OP didn't mean to hijack your post.

Book is called :How to raise an adult

its funny how people use the net to talk to strangers but don't want to talk to people in real life.

Exactly - this place couldn't be a more popular place to come, and we're virtually all 'school mums'.

Yummyeclair - thanks for the book recommendation, sounds interesting... it’s def an issue these days.

As for the school Mum thing, I find people are so superficial, will talk to you one day and not the next and I can’t be bothered with that. I’m all for making friends but I like loyalty and consistency and prefer having a few friends who I can be me and really open up to rather then a crowd.