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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not bother with school Mums

121 replies

TribbleToilandTrouble · 12/11/2017 17:11

Both my DC are at school, and two classes later it seems that I struggle to make friends with the school Mums.

I've just been at a class party, and I felt very largely ignored (apart from talking to the person who made the coffee and saying thank you for having us). I realise I should make an effort, but the efforts I do make seem to be largely ignored. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite a chatty friendly person. However, only so much you can do before you just don't bother anymore.

Has anyone else found this?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 12/11/2017 17:51

The only thing you have in common with them is that your children are in the same year at the same school

How would you know that if you don't make any effort to get to know them?

TheCatsPaws · 12/11/2017 17:51

there's some antisocial fuckers around

Because some of us aren’t interested in small talk and coffee?

TheCatsPaws · 12/11/2017 17:52

The internet is the natural habitat of the introvert :)

WomblingThree · 12/11/2017 17:53

@ConciseandNice damn, that’s why no one liked me 😉

RedSkyAtNight · 12/11/2017 17:54

How would you know that if you don't make any effort to get to know them?

I think that was my problem - I never worked out how it was possible to get to know school mums that I only saw for 5 minutes a day, a few times a week(and didn't always talk to as sometimes they/I were talking to someone else).
If you work during the day, you can't meet up then and (IMO) you need to know someone rather better than a few brief chats before you suggest meeting in the evening.

claraschu · 12/11/2017 17:57

I moved to England when I had a 2 year old and a 3 month old. I wasn't working and didn't have friends or family over here. The only way I met people was through my children, and I made a couple of good friends.

It is nice to know the families of your children's friends; it can even be the beginning of forming a community who help each other out and make the world a bit warmer for all the lonely people.

On a selfish note, if you are friends with the parents of your kids' classmates you have someone to turn to when your child is being left out, or is diagnosed with sen, or has a serious illness.

Ellapaella · 12/11/2017 17:58

It’s the same as any social situation though.. my eldest ds is 15 now but I’m still really good friends with a group of Mums that I met through school and we regularly meet up and even go away together. We did a lot together though other than just meet at parties as our boys also played football together in the same team every weekend for several years, so we all spent a lot of time together.
I have two younger dc, the middle one who is now at school I have to say I haven’t made friends with any of his class mates parents other than to say a passing hello or superficial chat and that’s fine with me. If one of the ones I like were to suggest meeting for a drink I’d probably go but I’m a bit too busy myself to instigate any more friendships at the moment if that makes sense, it’s nothing personal at all.

DavetheCat2001 · 12/11/2017 18:00

I find some social situations excruciating, and the school gate was one of those. I missed out on drop off/pick up chats when my son started Reception as I was working, so cliquey groups were formed and whilst some mums were friendly, a few (one in particular) was really unfriendly and actually a couple of time ambushed conversations I was having with other people, taking over and completely ignoring me.

She's a bit more friendly now (Y2), but I give her a wide berth other than to say 'hello' and 'see ya'. I've had her kid over for a play and mine has gone to their's, but thats about it. I have no interest in making any further effort as she was so unfriendly initially.

I can't be doing with people who are nice one day, and blank you the next.

I have made some pals now and we do the pub quiz, and are having a Christmas meal/drinks in a few weeks, but I still find it tough at times as it takes me a long time to really feel comfortable with people.

I now have the same thing as my DD has started Reception, although I'm less bothered this time around.

A pp above nailed it...men never worry about this shite do they??

VioletCharlotte · 12/11/2017 18:03

Ella yes, football is a great way to get to know people. You bond during all those hours stood freezing to death on the sidelines.

AJPTaylor · 12/11/2017 18:05

I had a few mum friends with dd1, dropped off with dd2 as i worked full time. 10 year gap to dd3, by which time i worked out i was quite happy to pay for breakfast and after school club just to avoid it all. I am happy and outgoing. I could make friends in an empty room. Did not want so called friends who talked about each other, knew their child was a genius and knew how to teach a class of 30 better than the teacher.

mrwalkensir · 12/11/2017 18:06

at our children's junior, most of the women were born and bred locally, so knew each other and really weren't interested in anybody from outside when our eldest joined in year 2 - however friendly and chatty I was, just greeted with blank stares. Made long-term friends through the PTA though

Mazzystarlett · 12/11/2017 18:06

I tried to make friends with the mums at DS's school but got met with a wall of silence and total shutdown. I thought the "School Mum Clique" was a bit of a joke until then! Needless to say I don't bother now but it upsets DS a bit because all their kids go to each others houses and he never gets invited to play with anyone after school.

Mittens1969 · 12/11/2017 18:07

It was very hard when DD1 first started school, I knew literally no one! It seemed like most of the other mums had grown up in the area and had family and long-term friends they had grown up with. (DH and I have lived here since 2005 but we didn’t know any families in the area at the time.)

It’s taken a while but I now do have a couple of good friends and other mums I know well enough to pass the time of day. The school gate is much easier now as well, as DD2 is a real social butterfly and is always chatting to one friend or another and I chat to the friend’s mum.

I’m not bothered about making best friends but it’s good to know the mums well enough to be able to arrange play dates.

Basically things do get easier, but it’s very difficult at the start for some of us.

grasspigeons · 12/11/2017 18:12

i think some people are just content with their lot. They have family, work colleagues, friends and maybe some specific mummy friends that they bonded with at NCT or nursery etc.

Its not that they don't like you - its just not occurred to them that other people have moved areas, weren't at NCT, don't have a job etc and might need a bit of a chat for 5 mins for company or need to make some links for play dates, back up if they are running late, someone to ask 'is it dress in spots day tomorrow' question at 9.00pm

Original poster

TribbleToilandTrouble · 12/11/2017 18:13

AJ I'm the same, I'm very chatty, I once managed to talk to a perfect stranger at a party about IT systems. I could make friends with a lamp post if it talked back, but you need that back and fourth to get to know people. I find that there isn't the reciprocation there when I chat to people. Fair enough, not everyone wants to chat. But would be nice every now and again to not be the person stepping out.

OP posts:

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 12/11/2017 18:15

I'm very smiley and friendly, but I know that I project a certain arms-lengthness that means I don't come across quite as warm and approachable as I think I do .

I'm quite the introvert though, so it suits me fine.

CatkinToadflax · 12/11/2017 18:15

The village school my DSs used to go to had one particular year group of astonishingly cliquey parents. DS1's year group had lovely, welcoming, inclusive parents and I became friends with many of them. However DS2's year group was completely different - it seemed that unless you were stick-thin, dressed for the catwalks and with a full face of make-up and perfect hair for every drop-off and collection then you'd be completely blanked. There were a few of us who didn't remotely fit that description who got to know each other because we were all being blanked by the 'in crowd'!

At their current schools I've made great friends in both year groups.

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2017 18:17

You do realise that "school mums" are just women like you? Not a separate species?

AnnabellaH · 12/11/2017 18:17

Are you Katie Price? She was talking about the exact same thing this week on tv.

Devonishome1 · 12/11/2017 18:19

I met my now best friend On the school run with DD2. I found it was awful with DD1 and hated the school run. DD2 went to a different primary school and the parents (most) were very friendly.

wheresthel1ght · 12/11/2017 18:21

I have found it hard too op. For me it is an age thing, I am old enough to grandma to a lot of the parents in dds reception class. We have nothing at all in common other than our kids being in the same class. It is a small village school and most people have lived there their whole lives so they have known each other since school.

I think sometimes you just have to accept they don't want to be friends, as long as they are polite and acknowledge you when you say hello I think you may have to accept that unless your kids make firm friends with others this is probably the best it will be.

JustCurious11 · 12/11/2017 18:21

When my oldest dc was in infant school I made an effort with the pta/school mums and did make some friends who I clicked with. With my youngest though I found I didn’t really click with anyone in his class so didn’t really bother.

Now they are nearly left primary school I can’t really be arsed, talk to a couple of mums sometimes but usually just collect and run. When they are in senior school I figure I won’t see any of them anyway so it doesn’t matter.

Some mums though I wonder what they will do when their lives aren’t filled with primary school playground politics and school runs as it seems to be their whole lives!

supersop60 · 12/11/2017 18:21

As John Bishop says - very often, the only thing you have in common is the fact that you had sex in the same year!
I was lucky that a small group of school mums were people I had met at ante natal class, and the DCs had gone to the same toddler group, nursery and then school. Now they're at High school and I rarely see those mums except on FB. I miss them.
I didn't really worry about getting to know anyone outside that little group. Sorry OP, not much help.

jimijack · 12/11/2017 18:22

Oh yes I decided that I was not going to bother with any of them, simply not a people person however, despite myself I've found myself having a nice superficial chat with a mum, she is so lovely and so easy to talk to I now quiet look forward to have a wee chat in the mornings now.

So possibly I am a people person despite being a grumpy fecker.

AdorableMisfit · 12/11/2017 18:28

YANBU. I have very little to do with school mums either. Largely this is because I work full time, my daughter goes to after school club, so I almost never see them as I don't do the school run but collect her hours later. Also all the school mums where I live are pretty well off, and the conversations at birthday parties always seem to be about the extensions they are having built on their house or the latest skiing holiday plans or the new car or whatever. We live in a rented house with no prospect of ever being able to buy, my car is 15 years old and I can't afford to replace it, and the only holidays we ever take are to visit my parents who live in Scandinavia (cheap holiday in other words, we pay for flights but accommodation is free and most of the time we also get fed so have to spend very little). So I've come to the conclusion that I have little in common with the school mums except children the same age and that's not really enough to base a friendship on.

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