To not bother with school Mums

[TribbleToilandTrouble]

Both my DC are at school, and two classes later it seems that I struggle to make friends with the school Mums.

I've just been at a class party, and I felt very largely ignored (apart from talking to the person who made the coffee and saying thank you for having us). I realise I should make an effort, but the efforts I do make seem to be largely ignored. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite a chatty friendly person. However, only so much you can do before you just don't bother anymore.

Has anyone else found this?

Your kids are not the only thing you have in common though, you have all chosen to live in the same place. I'm in Scotland but imagine it is even more homogeneous in England where you actively choose the school and all make the same choice as each other.

If you don't share tastes and characteristics with any people of the same generation, at the same stage in life, who choose a similar lifestyle to you - who do you have things in common with? I can honestly say that I like all the parents I see at school and have way more in common with them as a group than the people at my (also mostly nice) workplace.

Tribble have you seen Motherland?
(think its doing the rounds on BBC catchup at the moment)

I know it's exaggerated for comedy effect, but I've definitely recognized certain types - the Queen Bee and her Sidekick for example.
There definitely are those 'types' at the school gates, despite what people say.

If nothing else, it'll give you a laugh.

I drop and run or generally speak to no-one at pick up. I will make polite conversation if someone speaks to me or smile and say hi. I did become friendly with one of the mums with my older one at the school gate, she's moved away but we see each other the odd time or keep in touch via fb. I'm introverted so the thought of having to make chit-chat with people I don't really know fills me with horror

The Mums I am friends with are women that I would have become friends with anyway, but our kids brought us together.

I have lived in the same place for many years so both my sons have gone to the local primary school. My older son is now 18 and I the Mums I still see from his years in school are some of my best friends. There's only 2 or 3 of them I'd say (and quite a lot more I'll happily chat to).

The same is happening with my younger son (8). I can already tell which of the Mum I'll end up having long-term friendships with.

FWIW, I am not often at the gates, but often enough (and with both boys having been through I've been there a while) to be known.

I'm sure there are cliques but I'm no part of that, thank goodness.

My son just started in September and the class seems to be quite divided into the Posh mums, these are the ones with the perfect hair and makeup, most expensive clothes and prams, they seem to stick together as though talking to rest of us might make them as uncool as us. The other half are a mixture of nice friendly normal mums and ones that avoid conversation or eye contact.
Me personally I will talk to anyone regardless of how posh or unposh you are, but I don't worry about it either way. I actually think it's quite funny watching the little clique it's so very false and boasty really.

I sympathise but i have made friends throughout my childrens infant school and junior school years

Its much harder at secondary school

Some friends i couldnt ever tell you how we met

I hate any generalisations of any type. School mums are just another social construct. They are made up of all sorts of types and personalities. Would you say 'i am not going to bother making friends with people I work with, what on earth do I have on common with them'?! - Who are your friends? How did you become friends with them, - neighbours? School? Work? They are all just social constructs that throw random people together. Stop thinking of yourself as some how separate or different. We're all basically the same under the skin just trying to get by.

I am "school mum" who is also a university lecturer, I have helped older kids get summer placements and can help with applications and personal statements. We have a "school mum" who is a hairdresser. She's great with young nervous ones and comes to your house. Another has a house in Spain people have gone to for free holidays with her. Some are builders and can make sure you're not taken for a ride. There are lawyers and teachers to ask questions. Some of the SAHMs have been emergency contacts to pick up a child. One has a pub and lets you have the function room for free.

All of the "school mums" (and dads) have some skill don't have. Above all, many of them are wonderful friends.

But you won't find out any of this if you make no time for small talk (because that's all "school mums" do).

Having children the same age and living in the same area doesn't make people friends.

Most of my friends I've met via work places, social gatherings, hobbies etc. Very few have come from the school playground.

I've made some lovely school mum friends - sadly most have gone back abroad. I've met some awful mums too! It's the same as other walks of life until 11 and 13+ then it can get a bit weird.

I have also met some awful school run parents. Just as I've had awful colleagues, awful neighbours and awful team mates. You just keep the good ones of each walk of life.

My kids are year 9 and year 4 now, I have given up on school mum friends, we chat well enough via the class whatsapp groups but that's it.

I had my kids very young so for example when DS was in reception I was 19, and was still at college and had just moved out my mums that summer, I had nothing in common with the other parents because they were all much older than me and were proper grown ups while I still felt a lot like I was just pretending to be an adult and had to keep calling my parents to ask things like how to clean an oven or why I had 2 water bills.

It would just be nice to have a friendly chat with someone at the school gates. I'm not unfriendly, I'm not dismissing any of them as potential friends.

However, it would be nice to not be the one whose constantly going 'hi how are you?' or trying to break the ice in some way. I've just given up a bit after doing it for so long.

I'm really not Katie Price, I drive a knackered Nissan and am a student.

I cannot express how much I hate the phrase "school gate mums". I am a parent, I have been taking children to school for 9 years. In July when youngest dd finishes year 4 I will have finished my time as a school gate mum and presumably become just a person again?!

From September 2018 all my children will be walking themselves to school. Any friends I have from my time on the school run that I am still in touch with are just friends now and the origin of our friendship is immaterial (other than the fact we have a higher threshold before we get bored talking about our kids).

So maybe if you think of these people as just people, forced into the same situation as you op, instead of a, as previous posts have pointed out, separate species, you might find some are ok. Or you might hate them all. Just keep it light and polite, you will be fine.

I never understand these snide “I don’t bother with school mums” threads. School mums are people. There is a lot more to them than a female form dropping off a child.

I always find it sad how women subject each other to this degrading stereotyping.

Schools are microcosms of the wider world with the same mixes of people.

I don’t talk to anyone either. I’m 30 and my eldest is 8 so most of the mums are older than me and all just chat amongst themselves, I wonder if they think I’m too young or something. Im wondering if it will be different when my youngest starts next year as I’ll be 31 when he starts reception.

Also I am not from here, I live in a small seaside town so everyone knows each other whereas I only moved from London about 7 years ago so I’m odd one out!

If it makes you feel better Elliot I don’t really like people in general.

I thought I’d made two good school mum friends but I never see them outside school run. They see each other. I have made some good friends on school run, just not those two!

I don't really, at parties I am friendly, and try to be friendly at the school gates, but most seem to be very clicky. I just say hello, nod and collect my child. There is nobody in particular that I would single out as a friend. I have some good friends, so not really bothered tbh. I try and host playdates for ds occasionally in the holidays.

When dd 10 was in mainstream, I met a couple of really nice mum friends who I clicked with and we became good friends, but not for ds cohort of mums. Just nothing much in common really.

I realise I should make an effort, but the efforts I do make seem to be largely ignored.

What sort of efforts have you made, if you don't mind me asking?

Ime, inviting them round for a playdate/coffee made me some good friends for (hopefully!) life.

People thought I was stuck up but no I was shy and anxious esp when dc diagnosed sen. Eldest child - I made friends with 1 mum who took pity on me and reached out. It's got better from their as chat to most people but no friends except this 1 mum

That should so say the kids in dads class jot their parents! I am genuinely not that old!