To not bother with school Mums

[TribbleToilandTrouble]

Both my DC are at school, and two classes later it seems that I struggle to make friends with the school Mums.

I've just been at a class party, and I felt very largely ignored (apart from talking to the person who made the coffee and saying thank you for having us). I realise I should make an effort, but the efforts I do make seem to be largely ignored. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite a chatty friendly person. However, only so much you can do before you just don't bother anymore.

Has anyone else found this?

I was coming to say what Paxillin said but I was going to be less eloquent.

At the school gate is where you get recommendations for baby sitters, child-minders, holiday clubs, music teachers, dance classes, sports clubs, where to go when it's raining, birthday party venues, dentists, school shoes that don't cost the earth, books that appeal to small boys with dyslexia, what to do if you think child has ADHD, ASD or hearing problems.

It's where you get the number of someone who can pick your child up from school when your stuck in traffic or one sibling is sick and the other isn't, check what the homework was this week and when the school play is on, what time is the disco on Friday, take your child to a party straight after school that they'd otherwise miss because they're in childcare while you're at work.

I have found it easier at the current school than the last one, can't quite explain it, the parents at the previous were nice enough but the drop off pick up routine was different. Neither school has felt cliquey or competitive to me. Volunteering for PTA, attending meetings and helping at events makes it easier.

The parents I'm close with aren't necessarily the parents of DS friends. The friends I have made are people I genuinely enjoy spending time with, not people into whose company I've been forced. Some I have lots in common with besides children, some could not be more different. They're all worth knowing. For those who are happy without all that in your life, fine, I take my hat off to your self sufficiency!

I've just accepted I can never be a member of the "school mum club". Working full time I literally run through the yard dragging my child by the hood just before they lock the doors. Luckily I don't like small talk or people so it's win-win!

I'm happy to chat with people at pick up and drop off...it makes those 20 mins a day more pleasant. Two things have helped me tho; 1) that we have a Fbook group so can chat on there and find things in common 2).my kids go to the unpopular school so there's a lack of pushy parents. I've heard that the playground politics at the popular school are off the scale

@becotide

That is my experience - have met some great friends at the school gate. Avoid the mums who create drama...but they are in all walks of life.

Are you maybe expecting too much from this whole thing?
They're just women with kids in the same age/group/school as yours.
Some mums you will like, some you won't.
Don't force it too much. Be nice and polite and see what happens.
(That's what I see myself doing in a few years at least )

I'm sociable, never stuck alone at a party with no one to talk to & can talk to anyone about anything.

I never clicked with any of the other parents at school though - had no desire to & made no effort to in fact. Would maybe nod & exchange a couple of words, but that was all I wanted to do.

I don't see it as a bad thing - school wasn't as "full on" for parents back then as it seems to be nowadays & it was easy to dip in & out....

I think the school mums is such a sterotypical term.

On my playground there are some people I say hi to but only to be polite, some people who are a wealthy of information, some are acquaintances and a a few are friends..

One of my acquaintances helped me out with something this morning. I have helped people in the past. It really is a mixed bunch on our playground and I doubt it is that different to many across the country.

It's funny the way people sneer at the idea you could make friends because "all you have in common is that you had sex in the same year."

Dm has her Tuesday group. They met in hospital, all having dc1at the same time. They're a totally diverse group of 10 people. There's the one you'd think of as being really posh, right down to people at the other end of the scale. And the teenage pregnancy up to the surprise "we thought we couldn't have children because we're too old". There's the really shy sit in the corner and smile at others' jokes, and there's the life and soul of the party who occasionally has to be reigned in from her wilder ideas.

They met weekly for a while, children went off to different schools, and they met occasionally.

But you know what, over 40 years since they first met, they meet again regularly. It's not weekly, more like 1-2 times a month. But they meet and they chat and they support each other.
One of them their husbands died last year and the others were discussing how to support her. They dropped meals round, fetched shopping. She said she didn't think she could cope with meeting all at once so they divided into 2s and went round 2 at a time in the early evening, which was the time she found hardest.

Now any one could have looked at the others and said "they're not like me. All we have in common is a firstborn child born within a couple of days".
But they didn't and they'd have missed out on a 40 year supportive friendship.

I wonder how many people on here would have dismissed the group without trying it.

Is making friends with the other school mums a thing? Can't remember my mum doing it (but at our local school she chatted away to everyone as they all seemed to remember each other from other stuff such as ante natal classes) but don't remember her actually being friends with any of the other mums (and she was a sahm)

I'm a wohm and my ds is only a toddler. But I doubt I'll make any school mum friends as I'm unlikely to do drop offs and pick ups; dh will get that pleasure as he has shorter working hours!

Just read your post witchend; I have actually made really good friends with women from toddler/baby groups and 2 years down the line see the same women often for nights out and play dates. I reckon all the chat about tears in the hoohaa, breastfeeding and honest chat about being a new mum breaks down all sorts of barriers. We are all from a range of backgrounds and ages

KingLouiecatz has it spot on. Also about the parents you get on best with not necessarily being the parents of your dcs’ best friends which can sometimes be awkward. Another vote here for Motherland - Sharon Horgan has all the stereotypes in a nutshell (and the kids hardly get a look in).

Is making friends with the other school mums a thing?
Only as much as making friends with neighbours, fellow students, colleagues etc is. If you are not the friend-making sort, then no.

I'm a wohm and my ds is only a toddler.
I have always worked and the primary years are harder to cover for childcare without mutual help than the baby and toddler years. Nurseries and childminders are there to enable parents to work, schools really are not. Do you have 14 weeks of annual leave? Schools are closed for 14 weeks.

I was never friends with the school mums, they were mainly SAHM and I worked 30 hours per week so saw them twice a week at drop off and pick up. They usually ignored me or stared on the days I did the school run.

CBA, there was one other part timer like me and we seemed to gel when we crossed paths. I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

I just take my child and leave again! I don't really try and make friends.

I have 3dc so rarely have time for anything other than a polite hello. Dance Mums however are hilarious not my kind of mums. Tbf some might be but the loud ones are beyond precious, usually complaining about the village primary school and year 2 teacher (not our school but I feel very sorry for this teacher I don’t know). Usually saying things like “it is so unfair that Jemima’s teacher expect her to spell words like table, apple, bottle. It’s far too hard for year 2!” And other mums all nod and agree. Luckily I let slip we live in a new home and don’t have mullion windows so she ignores me. It’s hilarious!

Another vote here for Motherland

I have been shaking with laughter watching that :)

I am not someone who actively pursued friendships in the school playground - quite the opposite, in fact.

Despite this, I have somehow ended up making the most brilliant friends. Most of us have children who have finished primary school but we are still really close

At the last school someone organized a pub meet up for parents. When I arrived the only space left was beside a woman who looked to me the epitome of someone I would have nothing n common with. I'm one of those disgraceful disasters that never wears make up, usually in jeans and trainers. This woman was dolled up to the nines in comparison and early conversation mentioned that she worked in a beauty salon, could not be less my type of person and I was itching to move and sit by someone else, felt it was a wasted evening as I would have nothing in common with this woman.

Later that evening this woman shared that her DS was adopted and due to his background and life long health problems social services had been on the point of accepting he would never be placed for adoption before she saw his profile and finally was able to take him home to join the family. She had older children, one of whom had passed away and who she had been a full time carer of for a number of years.

And I had the woman down as superficial. She became one of my closest friends from that group, helped me out in a jam once or twice and one of the few people I miss from where we used to live.

I'm not the warmest of people nor the most sociable, but I've always seemed to make friends, eventually, at the school gate, but it tends to be people I can spend some time with, for example, walking between home and school, or around football practice.

I think it's more difficult if you're only there for less than 5 min, then disappear and never get to any meaningful conversations. Inviting for coffee then seems forced.

I’m a introvert and I have found this hard in the past. It’s not nice being the only Mum standing alone when everyone else is chatting. Or arrange a party where all the other parents are hugging on sight. Makes me feel like I have two heads!
I recently tried to set up a parent group which when spectacularly TU and then made me feel like more of a Leper than I did before 😂
I think it’s easier to go along to things already set up like parents meet ups, pta etc and then try to be as friendly as you can ( I find this hard work being a introvert)
If it’s any consolation, after four kids I have found that most friends made via kids are just friends of convience. No matter how much I seem to click with them, or how much we meet up for dinner, drinks etc it fizzles out when our kids naturally go their separate ways.
Now I don’t try to make friends. I make polite time passing chit chat. If that turns into a lasting friendship ( in 14 years that’s only happened once) that’s great but I don’t expect it anymore. I’m happier and to be honest I think as a by product that’s made people warm to me more.
It’s hard being introverted, I’m also beginning to see I’m a bit socially inenpt. Doesn’t mean it’s by choice, it’s just sometime some people struggle with and then they end up feeling isolated

Everyone one of us on this thread is a school mum, so to be rejecting other people on the basis of something we are ourselves, seems kind of funny.

Going out of your way to actively 'not bother' also seems strange to me, I must admit.

It feels as if there's an element of portraying that you're a cut above everyone else, and can't be doing with women's silliness, their drama, the politics', the judging, the leaving out (when you've already said you're actively rejecting them).

It doesn't quite ring true though, to then come on here and actively hang out with, chat with, make small talk with, and pass the time with a load of Mums!

We're all just women, who happen (for the most part) to have given birth and become mothers. That's just the first layer though, and underneath that are funny, interesting people, many of whom are worth getting to know, and who add something to your life in a positive way.

I am shy in real life, although have learnt to be better at hiding it as an adult. Putting myself out there when it comes to meeting strangers is hard, but it's totally worth it. I've made some amazing friends through my DC, and my life would be a lot less enjoyable by steadfastly keeping my head down and actively avoiding people, just because they happen to be Mums...

I think for younger children (under 12 years old) their friendships will suffer if you seem unfriendly. People will think twice before inviting you/including you. I am not massively into huge dramas of course, I can't bear them, but have yet to embroiled in one of any substance.

If you are looking for friends and to know the families your children are socialising with then I think it is important. Esp if they are doing sleeovers etc. Having said that if you don't want to get involved you don't have to. Just do whatever you feel like, one of the few joys of being an adult as we get to choose how we spend our time.

I have never tried to make friends at the school gate, as such, but cannot see why so many people are averse to passing the time of day with a smile and a chat. Still, if you smile and say hi, they thaw out eventually. There always seemed to be a group who were inseparable friends when my DDs were at primary. Oddly, they are NC with each other now.

I will say hello and chat occasionally in the playground to the other mums but I don't go out my way as I'm quite a shy person at first, but to be honest it doesn't really bother me. I don't need or want to be friends with them, just because our kids are in the same class, but having said that, I will always be friendly and polite.

How do you know that all these school mums are so shallow and celebrity obsessed if you all go to such lengths to avoid talking to them?