To think Dd shutting down is not normal?

[EmmyBear75]

Dd 15 has been like this for a nearly a year and I’m tried of being told that it’s normal. Mental health services , gp and school aren’t interested.

Outside of school , although she can sometimes be shy , she’s generally confident , bubbly and takes part in lots of activities. Always out with my other Dd and socialising .

As soon as her uniform is on , she’s tense,anxious . When she’s at school and this is what I’ve been told by her year leader, she struggles to find her words , tearful , anxious, avoids eye contact and can go all day without talking ,just shaking her head or nodding . The school have ruled out bullying , doesn’t think she needs to speak to the school counsellor . The gp said that it’s just a phase and another gp has said that maybe she’s just one of those who doesn’t like school and that she doesn’t require any help.

She has friends , she goes out , sleepovers and at school she has people she talks to , used to have them over a lot but now not as often and spends her lunch time and break time alone since her friends now go off with others since Dd literally freezes up at school now.

Aibu to think this isn’t normal?

Probably a stupid question but have you asked your daughter why she is like this at school? And what is her answer?
Is she like it if you have to go somehwere big and crowded full of strangers rather than out with friends where she is comfortable?

She says she doesn’t know . She’s the type to enjoy time with close friends outside of school doing something chilled out but will also go to big parties and crowded tourist attractions

Is your other dd at the same school? Just wondered if she could shed any light on it. Does your dd want to move schools?

Is she in y10 or y11? Could it be exam stress? Has she got mocks, controlled assessment deadlines etc looming?

Sounds like some sort of social anxiety but odd that it only happens in school.

Her sister isn’t in the same school . She said she’s gonna be the same anywhere she goes , she said something inside her has changed and she doesn’t know what .

No deadlines or exams coming up recently , it’s been a year that she’s been like this . Exam time is a whole different story , she either doesn’t bother at all or gets really worked up about it

I would take her out of school if it's impacting her like that. Can't she home school until exams?

I’d mainly be worried it’s something she’s scared or embarrassed to talk about. It’s very unlikely anything untoward has gone on but otherwise seems very odd she’s only like this at school. Have you asked her if she’d like to change school and is this a possibility?

Sounds very familiar to me. Want to DM me? I am.going through a very similar thing with my DD.

Sounds to me like she is suffering from anxiety that is pretty bad during some point in the school day.

Putting on the uniform starts that journey.

I would ‘walk’ her through the day and ask her how it feels at each point on a typical day. Try and narrow it down.

The school have ruled out bullying

They often don't see it, i.e. know full well what's going on, but don't want to admit it's happening because of their reputation.

Read your post again, her anxiety skyrockets as soon as she's in uniform and she's virtually selectively mute all day at school, the cause has to be there, surely?

Check her social media as a priority.

Do you know any of her friends well enough to ask them and make sure they know you'll never tell her they've broken a confidence?

Look up selective mutism?

I wish I could home school but it’s not possible with my job.

Actually looking at moving house soon but she said even if she moves school , something inside her has changed .

Thank you , I’ll pm you x

If she has developed a fear for example, fear of being sick, wetting herself, something really random (to us!) then doing such a thing will be 74702 times worse at School. Or ‘wherever she goes’.

You need to narrow it down and get I out of her.

I’ve been her.

I have spoken to some of her school mates and her sister has too , they said that Dd just shuts down and they struggle to include her at break and lunch because she won’t talk , just distances herself .

I’ve taken her to school many times , can see the change from when she puts her uniform on and how extremely tense she is when she reaches the gates and I’ve gone in and spoken to them about it every time I take her or feel like it’s getting worse . She allows me to ‘borrow’ her phone all the time so I do have a look through and never found anything .

finallyDecidedOnUserName I’m not sure how to pm ,

Maybe try a different school?

I would bet my bottom dollar it is exam stress and pressure. I'm head of year 10. I've had my year group since they started and a few of them have reacted like this because if the sheer level of pressure. Every teacher will be telling them that there subject is important, there are so many deadlines. Extra study sessions for one class will clash with another and the child is in the middle. Performance related pay means that teachers are under constant pressure and it does filter down to the pupils. The school are wrong to not refer her to the school councillor. That would have been my first suggestion.

I’ll try and talk to her about how she’s feeling with all exams and homework.

I don’t think her moving school is an option until she finishes this year

If you are anxious about something, avoiding it increases the anxiety. Perhaps she need to do some CBT? Have you seen the CBT workbook 'Mind over mood' by Greenberger and Padesky? Might be some stuff in there that helps. Also learning and practicing relaxation techniques could be useful.
Hope you can find a way through this.

Would you try some hypnotherapy to get to the root cause of the problem? She might be able to articulate her worries when she's deeply relaxed.

Sorry I don't have any practical advice just didn't want to read and run. Sounds really stressful

Can your gp not refer you to any services? Any local youth mental health teams?

Is it because they can't see the change in her they don't believe it's so bad? Just wondering if you could somehow get video of her to show the change in her? Sorry I don't know why they won't help you. I'm guessing they don't believe Her reaction is so extreme?

I'm also worried your school isn't doing more. Can they have quieter times for her? Or smaller groups?

Sorry I can't help. Take care

It can be hard enough sometimes for adults to know why they feel a certain way, even harder for children.
If you think she is being honest with you, then it is more likely to be general pressure and stress, so harder for her to understand why she is feeling that way.
I second the suggestion of CBT. And agree that since she says herself she will be like that at any school, removing her is not the answer.

Maybe take her to see a psychologist, my dd suffered with anxiety mainly around school. It has made a massive difference, life is easier for her now.