To think Dd shutting down is not normal?

[EmmyBear75]

Dd 15 has been like this for a nearly a year and I’m tried of being told that it’s normal. Mental health services , gp and school aren’t interested.

Outside of school , although she can sometimes be shy , she’s generally confident , bubbly and takes part in lots of activities. Always out with my other Dd and socialising .

As soon as her uniform is on , she’s tense,anxious . When she’s at school and this is what I’ve been told by her year leader, she struggles to find her words , tearful , anxious, avoids eye contact and can go all day without talking ,just shaking her head or nodding . The school have ruled out bullying , doesn’t think she needs to speak to the school counsellor . The gp said that it’s just a phase and another gp has said that maybe she’s just one of those who doesn’t like school and that she doesn’t require any help.

She has friends , she goes out , sleepovers and at school she has people she talks to , used to have them over a lot but now not as often and spends her lunch time and break time alone since her friends now go off with others since Dd literally freezes up at school now.

Aibu to think this isn’t normal?

Her school aren’t the most supportive, I feel like even if I push for a reduced timetable, it won’t happen

It sounds like your dd doesn't really want to get home educated, but maybe it will make her feel better to know that's there as a last resort if you can't get her the help and support she needs from school and some medical help or counselling if she needs it.
Home education can be very good, a friend who is really a pushy parent imo took this option for a couple of years after primary and got their dc into a top private school on a scholarship.
But I personally think school is the best option if you can get dd the support she needs. If you can't and it becomes unbearable she will feel she has an escape route.

Please change that to email, email, email, and copy all of them, that way you are starting to build up evidence called a paper trail, it's really important.

I can't reinforce this enough.

You need to keep records of every conversation. The best way to do this is to confirm each conversation by email afterwards. You would be amazed at how some people can deny having advised you or made agreements with you when they are being pressured by other professionals. It really is best to keep good records and store them in a lever arch folder in date order from now on.

Her school aren’t the most supportive, I feel like even if I push for a reduced timetable, it won’t happen

You need to have confidence in your expertise in your own child. Don't allow her to be placed in situations you think would harm her just because the school staff are pressurising you into it.

Also, don't take her off the school roll. If she can't attend school, after 15 days, she is entitled to tutoring from the medical education team in your area. The school will be billed for this so they will be keen for you to agree to home educate which removes their responsibility for providing as education for her.

It's a highly academic school. How does she feel about her tutor and her year head? Sometimes, it only takes one influential teacher to fuck up a child. Ask her.

Asked her that , said she cannot stand her tutor even though she goes all day without talking to her and feels like her head of year couldn’t care less

I don’t know that homeschooling is the answer, it rather underlines to her that she is the problem rather than the school. I’d have thought a different school would be a better option.

In a couple of years she can go to a 6th form college, which is a very different environment.

Were going to leave homeschooling as a last resort x would love for her school to actually be involved instead of just ignoring Dd when she’s sat in a lesson breaking down in tears

I've no concrete advice to give but wanted to say firstly it's great that you are being there and being supportive of your daughter, and second please don't stop. Let her know you're on her side and will always be so. Her school sound disappointing and rubbish.

Would it help to tell her in so many words that the whole 'this exam, this piece of coursework is crucial to your pressure' spiel that they get off teachers is massively overblown and that actually there are many possible paths in life? Sorry if that sounds a bit vague and wafty. I remember the pressure at 15 and looking back it seems silly - I would have loved someone to tell me at that time that it wasn't all a deal breaker for life.

Thank you , I’m hoping today goes well . Been trying to tell her that these exams are important but aren’t going to define her

My dd hated being at school because she was hugely anxious that something bad was going to happen to me during the day. Is there any chance your dd may have separation anxiety?
Just a thought.

Lots of good advice here particularly in relation to depression which as has been highlighted can be due to brain chemistry and not an underlying cause except that BT sounds as if she is not depressed in a situatiin that does not relate to school?

I do advise that as well as bullying and exam stress you discount any possibility she has a learning difficulty. They affect 1 in 10 of the population regardless of intelligence, and the very bright can develop coping strategies which mean that their difficulties do not manifest themselves until they have to work at a higher level. GCSE can be a particular crunchpoint since you have to organise such high volumes of work which if you have processing or memory difficulties (the underlying cause of problems with eg Literacy defined as Dyslexia ) can become overwhelming. Someone can have had no apparent problems with eg reading spelling etc and still have those issues. Feelings of worthlessness and anxiety etc are very common signs and made worse if you do not know it is a brain difference, not just you being stupid. Don’t worry about labels, stigma etc. A diagnosis will get you extra support at uni who are actually much better than schools at supporting it. A friends son who was a school refused and had endless problems with anxiety etc has only just discovered his underlying problem is Dyslexia when he was tested by his firm of tax specialists when he was struggling with the tax exams......

Back from the gp, booked in as an emergency appointment because of DD’s self harming and low mood last night . Gp spoke to Dd and gave us a leaflet about a local charity that offer counselling for teenagers who self harm. Whilst I’m glad we’re getting somewhere , the gp refused to agree that Dd needs more than just a 6 week counselling course with a voluntary service

I know someone else whose dc was referred to a charity by a GP for a mental health issue. Is it the way things are going now because of funding cuts or has it always been the same?

Yes, I’ve been told funds have been cut massively for child mental health services

Me too.

In my county referrals get bounced back and forth between services, so hard to meet the narrow criteria they set and the child suffers.

I think there are some links to national stuff and some online things from the slam website.

It makes me so sad you're having to push so much to get help for your daughter.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My DD is about to turn 15 and has been like this since August. Attendance down at around 65% since sept. Is your DD still going into school?

She’s still going to school but sneaking a day or two off here and there

Emmy, many years ago I had counselling from a charity. They were really good; they negotiated a payment with me which was, looking back, insultingly low, and I went for nearly two years. If you can manage it, it may be much better for your dd than anything the NHS can offer simply because of the stupidly short length of time they give.

How are things going Emmy?

She’s went into school for two days this week. Currently trying to get her up and out this morning. Her self harm is getting worse . School are not being supportive at all

Hi Emmybear I have been through and am currently experiencing the same situation with my 15 year old DD. I too found the school unsupportive until with the help of an ex-teacher I quoted a few legalities at them and now they are doing everything they can to accommodate us. If you would like to know more, please do PM me.

I've read most of your thread. Has the possibility of your dd having aspergers been mentioned at all? The behaviour stuff she is exhibiting coincides with how aspergers can manifest in teen girls. Have a look at the curly hair girl stuff online.
It might help

Have you looked at online schools as a possibility? You do have to pay but not as much as private schools. I know you can't home school as you work but she could attend school online instead. I accept that this does not get to the root of the problem but others on this thread have far better advice on that than I can give.

One online school is www.interhigh.co.uk and I think there are others.