To think Dd shutting down is not normal?

[EmmyBear75]

Dd 15 has been like this for a nearly a year and I’m tried of being told that it’s normal. Mental health services , gp and school aren’t interested.

Outside of school , although she can sometimes be shy , she’s generally confident , bubbly and takes part in lots of activities. Always out with my other Dd and socialising .

As soon as her uniform is on , she’s tense,anxious . When she’s at school and this is what I’ve been told by her year leader, she struggles to find her words , tearful , anxious, avoids eye contact and can go all day without talking ,just shaking her head or nodding . The school have ruled out bullying , doesn’t think she needs to speak to the school counsellor . The gp said that it’s just a phase and another gp has said that maybe she’s just one of those who doesn’t like school and that she doesn’t require any help.

She has friends , she goes out , sleepovers and at school she has people she talks to , used to have them over a lot but now not as often and spends her lunch time and break time alone since her friends now go off with others since Dd literally freezes up at school now.

Aibu to think this isn’t normal?

OP well done for approaching doctor again. This is going to sound cruel but when you took your dd to the doctors was she wearing her uniform, was she on the way to school or coming back from school?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but s/he needs to see her at her worst. S/he needs to understand what she is going through. Make sure s/he sees that this normally articulate girl is struck virtually mute at just the thought of school. Then if s/he will not help ask her/him "What can I talk to, what can I do, this is taking its toll on me and the rest of the family. What is my next step?" I think your GP is failing you.

I am sorry to say this but my friend is a brilliant, amazing parent, she has several kids with several issues. She has told me being a lone parent she is judged and sent on parenting courses and has had to fight incredibly hard to get the help she needs. She is a brilliant parent but she has experienced real prejudice. I don't know if this is your case but if you suspect you are not getting treated fairly I would really consider looking into that and asking for help from another GP at the surgery.

Sounds very familiar and then Tuesday will arrive and it repeats.

Start getting heavy with the GP & school - just phone and phone and phone until they get so sick of the calls they do something - target her class tutor or head of year and if that doesn't work the SENCo - do the same with the GP surgery.

If within 2 weeks nothing happens contact your MP and ask for their intervention.

Meanwhile research private help, even if you can only afford a short course the fact you've had to go down that route will show that you're serious and it hopefully will elicit an insight.

So sorry you're going through this.

You need to look into Asperger's Syndrome in girls.

Girls are often not diagnosed until their mid to late teens. They can have the most incredible masking and coping strategies that even they don't realise they are using. They can find social interaction exhausting but it doesn't cross their mind that it comes naturally to others.

When my kind, compliant, shy, academically able DD was diagnosed at the age of 12 I was shocked. If anyone other than CAMHS had suggested it, I would have told them they were being ridiculous. What I saw in my DD was far removed from what I understood Aspergers to
look like.

Even if she doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria, you and she may gain some understanding of her difficulties if you look into it and it feels like some of it fits.

Tony Attwood has written a lot about girls with Aspergers so Googling him could be a good place to start.

NB. This is not an 'armchair diagnosis'. It is a suggestion of one angle to consider.

One thing schools are very afraid of is there attendance numbers failing and kids doing badly at exams. That's two things, both of which could be a reality for your dd. Make school aware this is impacting her and it will impact them.

it is so tough, you are not alone, seek some support for you.

Have you asked your daughter what she wants to do?

You keep saying you can't home school because of your work, but tbh at 15 she should be fairly capable of working by herself with only a little guidance at weekends (perhaps from a tutor?). There are loads of online courses she can follow, with a variety of curricula. Your involvement could be fairly minimal, and although there would be a cost, it would not be anywhere near the cost of private school.

their attendance record, sorry I am all over the place tonight!

You have all be so helpful and don’t worry italingreyhound your replies have made sense x I have been speaking to Dd. Didn’t want to mention homeschooling to her because I’m not sure I can do it but I’ve asked her what she wants to do and she said she wants to drop out and learn at home but feels like she can’t because family slate her cousin for being home educated and thinks it makes her less intelligent. Dd wants to go on and study a very difficult job at uni as well so not so sure about home education. Her mental health comes first , so if the gp is no use , I will try my best to get her some private therapy for as long as I can afford , I want her to be able to deal with the situation and not avoid it

Try young minds?

youngminds.org.uk/

Call the Parents Helpline

Call us for free Mon-Fri from 9:30am to 4pm – available in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

0808 802 5544

Her description of herself sounds exactly like she has developed depression. What she said about "something inside her has changed" is a very good way to describe it. It's a biological change so she wouldn't be able to explain why things were different or know how to deal with it. There doesn't need to be a trigger.

Please read up on this, and reassure her that it comes and goes (although it can take a long time), so she won't feel this way forever. And importantly that if she feels self-harmingly bad for a long time and talk therapy doesn't help her, then you will support her in getting medication. If she is self harming, you need to make it clear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will help her to reach it.

Thank you , I will try and call the number and also look into different things so I have more to go into the gp with

Have you heard of Inter High. If your DD reaches the point that she really can't face school it may be an option, o have heard that some councils will fund it too.

No I haven’t heard of it . Didn’t know homeschooling could be done online

I would guess social anxiety, but specific to being st school. School can be a very threatening place. Anxiety can make you fight, flee or freeze, as a protective measure. She should see school nurse. Schools are ridiculous places for stress these days. Avoidance is probably not a good long term solution, but I understand you wanting better health for your dd. Maybe agree a break, followed by a graded return and someone to help your dd challenge herself to engage with a friend, her sister, and then small groups in a graded way. Frame it as a stress response, which will be maintained by avoidance, but which she can gain control of if she talks to someone and takes some steps to tackle it. School should be involved strongly.

Emmy my dd is saying all sort so stuff to me, including depression. She is soup and down. Her periods are painful and make her physically sick.

One day she did not want to go in and we ended up calling The Samaritans. They were so helpful. I spoke to them with dd in from then she spoke to them alone (with me listening at the door!).

CALL US
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)

[email protected]

VISIT US
Find your local Samaritans branch.

WRITE TO US
Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA

www.samaritans.org/

Also your dd can try www.childline.org.uk/

Emmy your dd sounds smart, she sounds great. You are doing your best for her. Make yourself a cup of tea and congratulate yourself that you are listening and trying. Parenting a teen is tough and some teens are even tougher but you are a great mum. She is lucky to have someone in her corner who carers so much for her, but of course, she totally deserves it too as she sounds like a great kid.

She is so up and down. Sticky keys!

She’s just arranged to have a girls day in with some of her friends outside of school this weekend so she is sociable in other situations. Her school isn’t the best in helping with these situations, they are highly focussed on the academics. Will ring gp and arrange another meeting at school tomorrow

That you Italian , it’s really not easy is it x your Dd is lucky to have you too

My DD was 8, miserable at school, happy at home. I took her out, actually we flexi schooled with the school's support, had a few sessions with a child psychologist and after a term, she went back. She is happy amd motivated now. I know 15 is a whole differemt stage in education but look into homeschooling. At 15, she doesn't need you at home all day
Good luck, I hope ypu find a solution.

For some decent, common sense information about anxiety, self harm and general mental health issues, can I suggest the Childline website.
It has some ideas for coping strategies too which might be useful while you wait for GP, counselling input.
I'm disappointed for you that school hasn't referred your daughter to the school counsellor which seems an obvious place to start.
If your daughter finds it tough to speak to people about how she's feeling, Childline has an email counselling service where she can write down her thoughts which might help.
For some young people, writing down their feelings can be a safer way to express what's going on for them. That might be something which could help now.
Young Minds is great too as a pp as mentioned.
I really hope you find something which helps your daughter and you.

Yes Interhigh is meant to be a very good alternative to school and less difficult than homeschooling alone. Go with your gut, your instinct to protect your child is right as far as I am concerned. I do not understand at all the views of her school, how is it normal or a phase? I wish you and your dd all the best

I could be way off here, but could something have happened? I don’t know what that ‘thing’ might be but if this is a relatively new thing rather than going on from day one there could have been some sort of incident that is causing the anxiety.

I really don’t know, can’t think of what could’ve happened at school apart from bullying x

The school can reduce her hours so she goes in Later and home earlier and she should be being lots of support For example a "time out card" so she can take a break and go to a safe space to relax. We have kids doing mindfulness and getting one to one counselling. Get back to camhs and emphasise the urgency. The poor girl needs help ASAP.

just phone and phone and phone

Please change that to email, email, email, and copy all of them, that way you are starting to build up evidence called a paper trail, it's really important.