To think Dd shutting down is not normal?

[EmmyBear75]

Dd 15 has been like this for a nearly a year and I’m tried of being told that it’s normal. Mental health services , gp and school aren’t interested.

Outside of school , although she can sometimes be shy , she’s generally confident , bubbly and takes part in lots of activities. Always out with my other Dd and socialising .

As soon as her uniform is on , she’s tense,anxious . When she’s at school and this is what I’ve been told by her year leader, she struggles to find her words , tearful , anxious, avoids eye contact and can go all day without talking ,just shaking her head or nodding . The school have ruled out bullying , doesn’t think she needs to speak to the school counsellor . The gp said that it’s just a phase and another gp has said that maybe she’s just one of those who doesn’t like school and that she doesn’t require any help.

She has friends , she goes out , sleepovers and at school she has people she talks to , used to have them over a lot but now not as often and spends her lunch time and break time alone since her friends now go off with others since Dd literally freezes up at school now.

Aibu to think this isn’t normal?

Generalised anxiety. OP please take her out of school. Can she finish at college or even home school?

It is not generalised anxiety, the anxiety is only about school. Which means if she is being honest, that there is a reason for her anxiety, but she does not understand it. Not unusual for kids if there is not one clear cause such as bullying, to not understand why they feel a certain way.

Avoiding situations tends to make anxiety worse. I have seen it in action where someone is supported to avoid what makes them anxious. Their world ends up getting smaller and smaller.

But there are treatments out there.

This happened to my DD. It was bullying related but the bullying wasn't happening at school. The impact it had was to make my DD feel that her school friends weren't really her friends/didn't really like her/were just too nice to say so. Might that be a possibility? My DD
was also in y10 and of course the pressure of being told that every single piece of work she did was going to change the whole course of her life added to the pressure on her. She was embarrassed to tell me about the bullying (she thought it was her fault - kids do) and didn't want to worry me, she didn't think there were any options to prevent it. None of her friends had any idea at all that it was happening. They just saw her becoming quite isolated, it's easy for that to escalate as you then become a target at school too.

I would recommend some sort of counseling or therapy. Not because There is necessarily anything major wrong but to help her articulate things.

Our ds is 7 and goes to a play therapist. It is really low key and relaxed and he doesn’t treat it like therapy at all but it has made our son so much better at expressing himself and being able to talk about things which bother him.

A Specific Learning Difficulty? they don’t always manifest themselves in the way people expect, and often become apparent when greater organisation of work and thoughts are needed at GCSE A level or even university. This switch off from school is a classic sign —me once upon a time— definitely worth investigating

She may assume that all schools are like this hence her comment.

I don’t agree this is a phase, there’s something clearly going on.

If she cannot vocalise why, I’d be very concerned. I’d also think a child psychologist would be helpful.

If she's 15 she could do her school work at home I'd give her the option on the understanding she has to work hard and be prepared for her exams and get plenty of exercise. I don't know what's up with her but a break from school might do her good.

I’m at loss right now. Even when I mention that Dd self harms, no one listens. I don’t want to go private and then let Dd down because I can’t afford it long term

Emmy i am sorry this sounds really hard. My dd is dyslexic an has always struggled at school.

I was also going to suggest looking up selective mutism. Please read up in it and approach professionals again. Speak to a different GP, ask fro a referral to CAMHS, again.

Also, I would explore home schooling, can you work part-time, I don't mean a massive reduction in hours, just a small amount. Do you parent alone, could your dh do that, maybe just for a year and then look into a six for college type place from 16. If he is going to be 16 this academic year it would only be 9 months or so. If one of you cold be with her in the mornings to supervise and set some work a few days a week are there any activities she could be signed up for the other days to? I am sure that the thought of any kind of home schooling is very daunting and may well be impossible but I just wanted to ask.

Would she like to change schools, is that possible, if you move?

I was depressed at this age. I could not have explained why. As an adult I can see why.

It’s just me , I can’t afford to reduce my hours which is why I’m looking to move to a more affordable area when Dd finishes this year. I wish I could home school but it’s really not possible for us right now . She does so many activities and doesn’t have this problem outside of school

EmmyBear "Her sister isn’t in the same school." Is her sister at high school yet, a different one, could she join her sister?

"She said she’s gonna be the same anywhere she goes , she said something inside her has changed and she doesn’t know what." I think she urgently needs to see a psychiatrist, neuropsychiatrist or counsellor, or someone to unpack these feelings. CAMHS are the route, I know they are stretched but her behaviour is not normal, for her.

With respect "The school have ruled out bullying , doesn’t think she needs to speak to the school counsellor." The school are faikling her, it may or may not be bullying related but a child who knows something has changed inside herself, who dreads putting on her uniform and vertually becomes mute at school definitely needs to see a counselor. Tell the school you will speak to Ofsted if they do not work with you.

"The gp said that it’s just a phase and another gp has said that maybe she’s just one of those who doesn’t like school and that she doesn’t require any help." BUT if this is not how she used to be, if, in her own words, something has changed, then she is not someone who doesn't like school and she definitely needs further help. School or GP can refer to CAMHS, I thin health visitor can too, and you can self refer. Do not be fobbed off.

six form

If she is unhappy and isolated at school she's not really getting the benefit of the social side so I think she would be happier at home by herself. There are various resources available that she could study without you needing to be there. Then you just need to check she is keeping up.

I think I'd be speaking to the school about their decision that she doesn't need to speak to a counsellor. Has she had an initial assessment from a professional? If not, push for that (and check it's a trained counsellor, not a volunteer trainee. Not many schools have money for the former, but the latter are a bit risky). I'm a HT, used to be a SENDCo, and would definitely want to look into this.

I'd also be pushing back at the GP.

And I'd probably also offer my daughter the option to home ed whenever she wanted, and mean it.

Which part of the country are you in @EmmyBear75

EmmyBear75 OK no to home schooling, sorry to ask, I just felt it may work. I wonder if a change of school would work?

Sorry so many typos, I apologize. I think the school are failing her. She does need to see someone. Her GP is failing her. You are doing all you can, its tough, but do not give up. My dd is going through CAMHS it's slow but it is good to be in the process. I really feel perseverance is needed.

You really need to look up Selective Mutism as my daughter is the same. It’s like stage fright and the worst thing you can do is put pressure on them to speak. Remove all pressure to speak at school. My 15yo dd finds it easier to email her teachers for help and has a statement that says she finds it difficult to engage and group work is a nightmare for her.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/selective-mutism/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Have a look at this link.

I’m in London. Going to try calling up the gp again tomorrow, she’s refusing to go to school tomorrow and said she’ll go on Tuesday

I like Mini's suggestion "There are various resources available that she could study without you needing to be there. Then you just need to check she is keeping up."

IF you were to do this you can get a web cam so you can see her, and you could communicate with her through the web cam. It would make her feel more supported. My friend does this for her cat! Don't laugh it is just an idea.

At the very least if you could get a doctor to sigh her off sick for a few weeks you could at least see how she copes with not being at school/working from home etc. But I totally get this may not be possible.

I have looked at that page earlier on. It does seem like. Selective mutism but I thought that that’s something that starts at an early age

Something's happened at school. Sexual assault/bullying? Assuming mixed school of course - what are her thoughts around a girl's only school?

It’s a girl school she’s at

Whereabouts in London?

If you're in South London (Croydon Lambeth Southwark or lewisham) have you heard of slam? South London and maudsley

Apologies if not.