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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never host a bloody birthday party ever again!

123 replies

User998877 · 28/10/2017 18:59

DS is 9 and since he was 4 I have hosted various parties for him. Every year all the invited children turn up and everyone has a great time.

He has ASD but copes very well in MS school without support and has been part of a group of around 7 boys who are all friends at school since pre school, two of these boys he sees out of school too.

Here's my issue, every year 3 of these boys have parties and always exclude DS, I appreciate ds won't be invited to everyone's party but he is always the only one excluded out of the group of 7.

As a parent I couldn't do this to a child, then to add insult to injury they keep accepting invitations to ds's party so clearly these boys don't have any issues with ds or they wouldn't want to come would they!

I'm annoyed and upset yet again today(as is ds) as ds's close friend's mum casually said at football this morning that she would see me later at 's party all in front of ds, and seemed socked when I said ds clearly hadn't been invited AGAIN!!

I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm really struggling to bite my tongue Angry

OP posts:
DeathByMascara · 28/10/2017 19:01

So don’t! You don’t need to ask for an invitation (would you want to go where you’re not wanted??) but point out that your poor ds hasn’t been invited. Again.

Poor wee guy.

Original poster
User998877 · 28/10/2017 20:01

Should have started a parking thread, might have got more than 1reply!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 28/10/2017 20:10

Sometimes it's suggested that you get the nicest out of them, to one side and ask outright.

My eldest has ADHD and I just got passed the lack of invites, likewise for my youngest who had LDs, both were well behaved just 'different', it didn't stop them getting excluded.

52FestiveRoad · 28/10/2017 20:11

So was this friend also one who accepts your hospitality but does not invite back? I think you need to be less polite about it, tell them you are not hosting anymore parties as DS does not get invited back. Then find him something nice to do as a treat on his birthday. They will probably all stop having parties in the next few years anyway.

Fruitcorner123 · 28/10/2017 20:11

This is a tough one as it would be a bit rude/presumptuous to ask the parents whats going on but it does seem ride of them to leave one friend from a small group out. Given DS age I woukd say just dont invute the three boys in question. Do something like an outing and invite the other four friends. DS knows he hasn't been invited to theirs so might not want them there anywhere.

Weirdly there is another thread going on at the same time where a woman is wondering whether to leave her daughters one friend out of the party. People are twlling her not to tell the mother why her daughter isnt invited but maybe thats bad advice as i guess you would like to know.

Bringmewineandcake · 28/10/2017 20:12

Can you speak to the other mums? You say this isn’t the first year it’s happened so how has it been after their previous parties? Does your son meet up at weekends / school holidays with them?

Fruitcorner123 · 28/10/2017 20:12

Sorry about all the spelling errors. I meant they are rude not ride.

GreenTulips · 28/10/2017 20:14

You have these parties for your son, because he enjoys them and it's his birthday.

Yes it's unkind not to return invite but it's not a reason to stop your son enjoying a birthday he wants

Caulk · 28/10/2017 20:14

During the year, does he get invited to play with these boys?

RiotAndAlarum · 28/10/2017 20:16

Not all of them exclude him, so is there an activity which requires really very limited numbers, so you can cut out all but those who invite your DS?

Starlight2345 · 28/10/2017 20:16

The good thing is he is getting to the age where parties are ending so an activity for a couple of his friends will be perfect .
It sucks but don’t assume the kids think the same way they probably like him just the way he is

Eeeeek2 · 28/10/2017 20:26

Do an activity/day out with the ones they invite him back.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2017 20:35

Exactly, time to do an activity or something for for his birthday and exclude the ones who don't invite ds. Has he asked then why they don't invite him, yet accept invites for his party. Very mean.

ManchesterGin · 28/10/2017 21:02

I agree with the others. Reduce the numbers and do a more focussed activity with the ones that invite your son in return.

Tidypidy · 28/10/2017 21:07

My ds1 is nearly always excluded from parties as he has type 1 diabetes and people are either afraid of it or just ignorant and think he needs a special diet - which he doesn’t. Regardless I still do a party for him every year and invite his friends as he enjoys it and I am more polite!

Original poster
User998877 · 28/10/2017 21:16

Faith in MN restored!

I have actually decided today that I won't do a party for his next birthday but I will invite the two friends that reciprocate for a treat day out (yet to be decided).

I guess I'm just annoyed with myself for letting it go on without questioning these boys parents because I know it's probably more to do with the them than the children.

Quite looking forward to secondary school as won't have to see these -witches- parents again

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 28/10/2017 21:21

I’d stop inviting the 3 boys next year. It’s fine to have friends who are nice but not particularly close. Instead of thinking of it as a group of 7, think of it as a group of 4.

They’re not reciprocating. It’s time to move on.

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 21:22

He sounds like a great lad. I would just invite the genuine friends. You could really treat them as there are less of them.

Flowers
Original poster
User998877 · 28/10/2017 21:42

wobbly he is a great lad, full of fun! He is one of three boys who always gets invited to the girls party so is popular.

Actually given his ASD has shown more compassion and empathy about this situation than these adults, his response each time they exclude him and he finds out at school is, "it's ok, they are still my friends mum".

Thanks everyone, you are all talking sense and I intend to take the advise Wink

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2017 21:47

Good idea. I don't think I woukd have have asked the parents why, it would have been awkward, but they wou,d not have been invited ages ago. I would have sucked it up a couple of times for the sake of the friends, but after that, no more, until their old enough to make their own plans without parental involvement.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2017 21:49

Your boy sounds wonderful, adults can learn a lot from kids. No wonder some kids grow up to be mean, when they have such poor examples to learn from.

Original poster
User998877 · 28/10/2017 21:52

Aero that is why I'm annoyed with myself, I should have put a stop to him inviting them after the second year of being excluded.

I did this only to keep the peace for his sake, not the right decision with hindsight.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2017 21:56

IT takes a mean person to exclude one like that. Nevermind, stRt as you mean to go on. My dd 10 has ASD and is in a special school as sheer dufficulties are quite moderate. But I can imagine her not being invited to any parties if she was in mainstream😥

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2017 21:59

So do a little party ir activity with the ones that reciprocate. As an adult you would distance yourself from 'friends' tgat don't reciprocate, and not expect to suck it up, same here.

stella23 · 28/10/2017 22:03

It really hurts doesn't it, my ds, quite shy little thing is never invited to parties. He's knows she's not invited. He feels bad you can tell.
It's really hurts and I hate the mum's for it