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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never host a bloody birthday party ever again!

123 replies

User998877 · 28/10/2017 18:59

DS is 9 and since he was 4 I have hosted various parties for him. Every year all the invited children turn up and everyone has a great time.

He has ASD but copes very well in MS school without support and has been part of a group of around 7 boys who are all friends at school since pre school, two of these boys he sees out of school too.

Here's my issue, every year 3 of these boys have parties and always exclude DS, I appreciate ds won't be invited to everyone's party but he is always the only one excluded out of the group of 7.

As a parent I couldn't do this to a child, then to add insult to injury they keep accepting invitations to ds's party so clearly these boys don't have any issues with ds or they wouldn't want to come would they!

I'm annoyed and upset yet again today(as is ds) as ds's close friend's mum casually said at football this morning that she would see me later at 's party all in front of ds, and seemed socked when I said ds clearly hadn't been invited AGAIN!!

I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm really struggling to bite my tongue Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
User998877 · 28/10/2017 22:03

Aero have some Flowers from me

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 28/10/2017 22:10

I had the same with my DS, there were 7 boys in his class, who all came to his parties.

A couple never reciprocated, DS explained to me, in his typically matter of fact way, that his friends had explained that they weren't allowed to invite him as their Mums thought he might not behave. Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2017 22:11

Thanks user😃, right back at ya🍷🍷🍫🍫

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2017 22:13

How nasty Sauvignon, no wonder disablist attitudes are still rife, when kids have such poor role models as parents.

BMW6 · 28/10/2017 22:57

yes. next year have a really special day out with the friends who DO reciprocate - leave the children of parents who don't out.
I wonder if any of them will have a little think why their DC were not one of the select few......

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 00:35

Its awful, it must hurt your ds, he's obviously putting a front on for you. So he is good enough for a party, put not good enough to invite back, how nasty of them! By you saying no more, shows that he does not have to put up with this, I know its not his friends fault, but why should he be treated like rubbish and not worth it. Have a party with those friends who repiprocate, he can see the others at school. Hopefully wait for the time when they are old enough to organise their own get together without needing parents intervention.

Original poster
User998877 · 29/10/2017 07:33

Interestingly over time through primary school it becomes very easy to tell which child belongs to which parent Grin

There is one particular boy from this group who is super confident, always has to be the leader. Typical alpha male, very bossy and to hear him talk is the very best at all sports and is in tops sets for everything. I recently had the pleasure of being sat to his dad at an event and it was amazing how alike they were!

However the reality is that he is not in the top sets and the school sports teams were just selected and he didn't get into any of the them. I do feel sorry for him as the other boys in this group will wise up to him eventually when they get to secondary and realise that he's not actually a very nice person.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 07:36

I would also be tempted to send them a message, seeing how you have known them over the years, about how disappointed You are to hear that yet again, your ds is the only one out of the group not invited to one of their sons party, whilst you are happy to allow them to your Ds, which yiu find hurtful and mean as you thought they were all friends.

bumblingbovine49 · 29/10/2017 07:41

We had exactly this with DS in primary (now 13). I arranged lots of really good parties an usually invited all of the 7-8 boys he played with/seemed to get on with at school and occasionally all of the boys from the class. Of those only 2-3 ever invited him back.

PunkAssMoFo · 29/10/2017 07:45

*ButchyRestingFace

I mean, I know a few bits of bacon won't harm her but that stuff is evil

Totes.

Swine have been responsible for more atrocities than any other species since records began.

“Evil” is a very accurate description for bacon munching.*

This indoctrinated nonsense is what helps make vegetarian/ vegans lack credibility.

OP I think that if your DM gave her meat intentionally, then you’d be within your rights and to have a word. It’s a bit weird that you didn’t say anything when you discovered the bacon though. I’d also be careful about how your child phrases things. It won’t go down well when she starts telling her class mates that they are unkind for eating her animal friends.

PunkAssMoFo · 29/10/2017 07:46

Whoops! Wrong thread

ToesInWater · 29/10/2017 08:10

God the party thing sucks! I am happy I am past that stage but still get the rage when I read posts like hours where parents feel it is ok to exclude a kid when they are hosting but cheerfully accept your hospitality. Have a small group treat next year.

Original poster
User998877 · 29/10/2017 08:48

Toes spot on, if these boys don't like my ds then why send their kids along to his party.

I won't invite again, special treat with the two boys that do reciprocate from now on. I'm almost positive this will invite questions from these parents as to why their precious child has been left out and I will take great delight at telling them why.

I probably sound bitter but I've woken to FB pictures of said party from yesterday and once again DS is the only boy from this group of 7 friends who has been excluded Angry

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 08:58

I woukd blooming send a group message to the parents highlighting what I said. Not only is it excluding but a form of bullying. WhT are tge parents teaching their DC, I am sure over the years tge boys have noticed your ds is excluded from their party, I wonder if they have questioned their parents? This thing does give me the😡😡😡

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 09:00

Then delete them off Facebook. You don't need these types of people on there.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/10/2017 09:10

I would continue to invite whoever your ds wants to invite. Its his party and he enjoys those boys being there. The problem is with the other mums but why should your ds suffer. Eventually they will be deciding for themselves who they are friends with so just let your ds pick every year.. The main objective for you is that your ds has a fun party.
Usually parties change shape after about 10 but if those boys are kind to your ds and play nicely with him ignore their mums horrible rudeness.

Original poster
User998877 · 29/10/2017 09:14

Aero in a way I blame myself for condoning the parents behaviour for so long which has probably only sent the message that I'm cool with it... well I'm not.

I'm so bloody cross this morning that it's taking lots of effort to not call them! Gladly we are heading our for the day which will prove a welcome distraction.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 09:15

I would not, over the years she has continued to do this for the sake of her child, it's another kick in the teeth. If adult friends did that, you would not invite anymore.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 09:16

I would send them a message. Their behaviour is very nasty.

greendale17 · 29/10/2017 09:20

So do a little party ir activity with the ones that reciprocate. As an adult you would distance yourself from 'friends' tgat don't reciprocate, and not expect to suck it up, same here.

^This

Original poster
User998877 · 29/10/2017 09:21

June to be fair that is what I have been doing. However ds is now very aware that 3 boys in particular from this group never invite him to their party simply because they are all talking about the party the following day at school.

I know the dynamics of friendship groups change since I have other children but never experienced exclusion of just one child before on this level. I'm all for going along with what's best for ds but being excluded time after time is not.

OP posts:
Original poster
User998877 · 29/10/2017 09:24

Greendale this is what I intend on doing for his next birthday, and this actually opens up a much larger choice of activities since it will only be 4 children.

OP posts:
2014newme · 29/10/2017 09:27

Don't punish your son by having no more parties. Just don't invite the ones that don't reciprocate. It's your choice to keep doing this, you do realise that you can make a different choice?

Xis4Excel · 29/10/2017 09:30

"I would continue to invite whoever your ds wants to invite"

^This. You need to be the bigger person. You are acting in your ds's interest and he wants these boys at his party, at least they are coming instead of not turning up at all.

I get your feelings on this though. There is one boy in dc's class who has been to all of our parties, big, small and medium sized. Yet this boy's mother has never invited ds back nor does she reply to the two or three text messages I have sent over the years to suggest a playdate. When she sees me she is all fake friendly but I see straight through her and now she is a bigoted, gossipy arse. She is the first to complain about her ds not being invited to parties or days out with classmates, and makes derogatory comments about ethnic minorities. I suppose that's what you get with people who have little intelligence and big egos.

I will continue inviting her ds if my ds wants him there and not waste my precocious energy on thinking how much I detest her.

Xis4Excel · 29/10/2017 09:32
  • precious bloody auto correct