To never host a bloody birthday party ever again!

[User998877]

DS is 9 and since he was 4 I have hosted various parties for him. Every year all the invited children turn up and everyone has a great time.

He has ASD but copes very well in MS school without support and has been part of a group of around 7 boys who are all friends at school since pre school, two of these boys he sees out of school too.

Here's my issue, every year 3 of these boys have parties and always exclude DS, I appreciate ds won't be invited to everyone's party but he is always the only one excluded out of the group of 7.

As a parent I couldn't do this to a child, then to add insult to injury they keep accepting invitations to ds's party so clearly these boys don't have any issues with ds or they wouldn't want to come would they!

I'm annoyed and upset yet again today(as is ds) as ds's close friend's mum casually said at football this morning that she would see me later at 's party all in front of ds, and seemed socked when I said ds clearly hadn't been invited AGAIN!!

I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm really struggling to bite my tongue

The thing is he is noticing. And by accepting it you are sending messages out to the parents that it ok, your fine with it, which it is bloody well not. Op has been sucking it up for years doing this, now quite rightly has had enough!

I suppose you can leave the decision up to him, in light of him not being invited to those boys parties, and hope he says no he does not want them there.

I'm sorry. That's quite horrible, isn't it? I've had a few days that have just sickened me of people's selfish behaviour. I would stop the parties, just have a fun day out for your son and a couple of close friends.

Smaller invite list, kickass treat/day out.

If I were in op position, I really don't feel I could invite these boys again, it would constantly grate on me. In long run, its not going to do your ds any favours sucking it up and keep letting it slide, it will damage his self worth and self esteem, constantly being rejected, despite them coming to his parties. Best show your ds what to do in face of this. Seriously, if this were a group of adults and one was being left out of a group, they would be distancing themselves from the ones who leave them out, and sacking off the friendship.

DD used to really like a girl in her class and would invite her to parties (she came). In year 6 I said that I didn’t want her to invite the girl as she had never reciprocated. She could only have limited numbers anyway so it was fine. You can’t keep inviting children with no reciprocal invites - does he have plydates with these boys?

DS with HF ASD had only ever been invited to about 3 birthday parties in his 10 years.
We stopped doing parties for him aged 6 and now we do a family weekend away...Legoland etc....
I hate the parties ... Chasing families ...
We just say phew ....we can't go because we are going to Grannies, I've booked the cinema etc...
You'll get over it after time. DS has real social issues and us only really accepted by the children in our close who understand him !

I would have to say something.... Excluding him year after year like that is wrong. Just ask them what the problem is!

Next time it's ds' birthday I'd be tempted to do a treat day (theatre, theme park etc) with him and the 3 who do invite him.

I would also delete these mean mum's off Facebook, they are not your friends .

Just ask them.

I agree that it’s rude not to reciprocate party invitations especially when you know that the children are good friends. I would also agree that it would be better to organise a special treat with the friends that do include your DS.

I know how you feel, we go through the same with DD1 (8), who gets very few party invitations. Your DS copes with it so well, he sounds like a lovely boy.

Thank you lovely people, especially Aero for all the support and words of wisdom.

We've been talking over dinner about what ds might like to do for his next birthday and he's mentioned a couple of places he would like to visit. We've also told him that if we do these things, due to spaces in the cars he can only invite two of his friends and he's chosen the two that always reciprocate, so I'm happy we've got a plan going forward and more importantly he will be with his true friends.

I'm glad you have a plan. This is really sad. Parents of kids who make friends with someone a bit different can so unkind. I don't think they realise they are being complete bitches, it's as if they are so scared worrying that their child will somehow catch a disability that they don;t even think about what their child will think of them once they work it out. In my DSs case he was part of a really tight knit group. His friends were his friends, whatever their parents thought, because he was fun, kind and they loved playing together. Parents do have control over party invites, but hold no sway whatsoever when it comes to who you sit with at lunchtime or spend your breaks with.

That sounds like a good plan then, hope he has a good birthday when it comes round.

We've been there, it's shit, and turns out the parents are quite shit too (in my experience anyway). Don't be afraid to tell them if they ask.

That's ok User, I am glad you got a plan going and your ds us happy. I think these reciprocal friendships are much healthier, as it gives him a good example how friendships shoukd be, not one sided. Delete those other mums off social media so you don't have to see that crap.

I have to say I agree with mikulkin I have let my children invite children to their parties who don't reciprocate because if my child wants them there then I'd only be punishing them by disallowing it.
As hurtful as it must be to see your ds not being invited and it splashed all over sm I think it's highly unlikely that the motive is sinister.
I think it's much more likely that the boys who aren't inviting play with your son because he is a friend of some of their friends and they aren't as close to him as others on the group. I think that's much more likely than the parents choosing to exclude one of their child's best friends.

If they don't have play dates out of school that would suggest they are less close as well.

Aero it's ds's birthday next from the group of 7 (although not for a coupe of months), so hopefully a clear message will be sent that I'm done, if the penny doesn't drop and these parents dare to ask, rest assured they'll be getting a very honest answer

Sweet you are right, they will hopefully all stay friends in spite of some of these parents.

Good user, don't your ds or yiu be a walkover. I hope he has a lovely more intimate party with those who reciprocate😃😃

Good user, don't your ds or yiu be a walkover. I hope he has a lovely more intimate party with those who reciprocate😃😃

Just remember that not everyone has a birthday party - quite often, the children just have a family party.

Personally, I would only confront any so called close friends but it won't go down well (been there, done that!). Usually, the reason is simply that the party child doesn't like your child enough for them to make the cut and the parent has allowed them to have the choice. Inevitably, adult friendships will suffer from the fallout. It's plain rude not to reciprocate especially if they have accepted multiple years in a row and the party number isn't just a handful of kids!
As children get older, the numbers reduce anyway as to who they hang around with. It definitely tails off by the end of primary. I would seriously consider a day out somewhere like Harry Potter Studios or take a friend/select few to some cool activity like Junior Go Ape. Make sure you post the pics on FB!

dunraven did you miss the posts where I pointed out that FB pictures of these parties included 6 out of the 7 group of friends so not small family parties. I haven't jumped to any conclusions, the evidence is plain for me to see. I am also not the only parent in this group that has picked up on this.

I get that a couple of these children may not consider ds as one of there closest friends, that's fine but why would any parent think it ok to keep accepting invitations knowing that they won't ever reciprocate, very bad manners, plain and simple.

Anyway we have a plan going forward with only another 18 months of primary and I know the group will separate off to various secondary schools. Thankfully the two children who do reciprocate are going to the same secondary as ds and the other 4 of the group aren't due to various reasons so this won't be an issue anymore.

That's even better user, the other non invites are going their separate ways in secondary school anyway, good idea also to foster those relationships which ds will maintain in the future. Your right, you have sucked it up, and year after year your ds is the only one not invited, whilst they are happy to accept your ds invite, which is mean and nasty. Enough is enough now, time to just concentrate on those boys who care about ds.

Keep us updated, I do like a party thread . My dd goes to special school, so never had such problems, in reception in mainstream, she got loads of party invites and invited kids to her party. At the end I was glad she was in SS and the parties trailed off, as she found them so hard to cope with.

Ds is only 5 and has a year developmental delay and speech delay, he is a lovely kind boy, he is now in Yr2 and has had a few party invites so we will see. I will be inviting his friends as well as those who invited him to their parties, for his birthday in January.

Sorry he is in Yr1

YANBU. I think the issue isn't that they accept invites without reciprocating. (Not all invites can be reciprocated and presumably your DS would feel worse if his friends didn't turn up for his party) I think the issue is that they're deliberately excluding one child from the group - really horrible behaviour.

I would probably be tempted to bring it up with the parents along the lines of "if you're going to have a party and not invite DS could you be more discreet about it because he's feeling hurt at being the only child left out from the group".