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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never host a bloody birthday party ever again!

123 replies

User998877 · 28/10/2017 18:59

DS is 9 and since he was 4 I have hosted various parties for him. Every year all the invited children turn up and everyone has a great time.

He has ASD but copes very well in MS school without support and has been part of a group of around 7 boys who are all friends at school since pre school, two of these boys he sees out of school too.

Here's my issue, every year 3 of these boys have parties and always exclude DS, I appreciate ds won't be invited to everyone's party but he is always the only one excluded out of the group of 7.

As a parent I couldn't do this to a child, then to add insult to injury they keep accepting invitations to ds's party so clearly these boys don't have any issues with ds or they wouldn't want to come would they!

I'm annoyed and upset yet again today(as is ds) as ds's close friend's mum casually said at football this morning that she would see me later at 's party all in front of ds, and seemed socked when I said ds clearly hadn't been invited AGAIN!!

I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm really struggling to bite my tongue

OP posts:

notsohippychick · 29/10/2017 09:33

OP I feel your pain! My boy has ASD and get really upset when he’s not invited to parties. In fact, more so than he does!!

I’d really struggle to now say anything! You’re a better person than me!! X

Gertrudesings · 29/10/2017 09:33

I have this with DS2. These a core group of 5 of them and he hasn't been invited for years. All came to a head last year when they all went to a party and were really nasty , telling DS he wasn't invited and when he asked them what they were doing (football party) they said nastily it was none of his business. Found him outside school crying. I comforted him and told him they were mean and he isn't.

GrockleBocs · 29/10/2017 09:35

I've got a dd in the same situation but fortunately now slightly older and this year I managed to keep it to the two friends who do invite her to parties. I see other friends having parties she's not invited to, things she would be fine at and it is hard to smile at the parents the next time I see them.
My youngest is invited to everything (no ASD) and she sees that which is also hard.

Maelstrop · 29/10/2017 09:36

Stop torturing yourself, block the nasty parents on FB.

Original poster

User998877 · 29/10/2017 09:44

2014 if you read up thread you will see I've admitted to it being my fault for condoning these parents behaviour and yes I will be making a different choice goinf forward.

OP posts:

TwoBobs · 29/10/2017 09:46

I've been there with my dd with ASD, it's really upsetting.

I 'hid' the parents on my Facebook so I wouldn't get upset by the parties and playdates that she wasn't invited on.

By year 2 she started to make a small group of close friends and she DID get invited to their parties if they had one.

I've still allowed her to choose who she wants to invite to hers (including one girl who cones nearly every year who has never reciprocated).

Now the tables have turned so to speak and my girl doesn't want to invite a girl to her party because 1: They don't really play together at school and 2: My dd doesn't want anyone at the party who is older than her (even if it's by a few weeks). To ignore my daughter's wishes would ruin her party but I feel really awkward not inviting a girl whose party my dd went to a few weeks ago. I don't know whether to explain to the Mum and apologise or not say anything at all. It's not personal, just a weird rule my dd has imposed for her party. This also means we won't be inviting a cousin - awkward!

cece · 29/10/2017 09:52

My DS2 has ASD, ADHD and challenging behaviour. He rarely gets invited to parties. I let him choose he wants to his parties - I like to think I am being the bigger person here but it is still upsetting when you find out the invite hasn't been reciprocated.

Today he is going to a party. He is beyond excited. Sigh!

52FestiveRoad · 29/10/2017 10:00

TwoBobs- the not inviting anyone older than her- that is a bit of a strange rule- is there any reason for it? It does seem mean as she will be excluding people for a reason they can do nothing about. Does she still remember how she felt to be excluded for no good reason? Personally I would overrule her on that, especially for the sake of her own cousin.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 29/10/2017 10:05

Twobobs- why aren't you inviting the cousin?

CrumpettyTree · 29/10/2017 10:06

I have actually decided today that I won't do a party for his next birthday but I will invite the two friends that reciprocate for a treat day out (yet to be decided)
Good idea. And yes it is better when they go to secondary and you don't have to see horrible parents again!

Almahart · 29/10/2017 10:12

We've been here. Worst is when it is children whose parents you expect better of. Like a f*ing child psychologist. I think you just have to go with it if your DS wants to invite them but over time I have made parties smaller and smaller.

Almahart · 29/10/2017 10:13

So yes absolutely do a small treat next year. We're going to do something g with just four close friends as I've had enough of it too

Xis4Excel · 29/10/2017 10:46

"I don't know whether to explain to the Mum and apologise or not say anything at all. It's not personal, just a weird rule my dd has imposed for her party."
That's strange I would not indulge anything like this at all. If the girls is unkind don't invite by all means but just because she is older? I'd worry that my dc is getting to self-centred if she suggested anything like this. I'd talk with them and explain and ask how she would feel if she didn't get invited to younger friends' birthdays.

MrsKoala · 29/10/2017 10:59

We've had something similar this year. My 2 boys are one academic year apart and have the same group of friends from preschool when they were all in the same class/group. DS2 invited them all to his party in the summer, most were in DS1 class at school (but all play together outside school). Then the invitations started coming in for DS1 from all the boys who attended DS2 party but none had invited DS2. So it's not like we could hide the party or that he wasn't invited. It's pissed me off massively. To the point i have actually said to one of the mum's 'is the invitation for ds2 too?' (yet to have a reply) Because she brought her whole family to ds2 party - siblings too - and i think it's really bloody rude.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 11:10

MrsK that is disgusting, parents should be ashamed of themselves. What example are they setting for their kids.

MrsKoala · 29/10/2017 11:19

I know. I suppose they just say to their dc pick 10 people and then put no more thought into it. But i can't imagine not looking at the list and saying 'hold on, if ds1 is on their and you went to ds2 party but aren't inviting him but his brother is coming then how do you think that will make poor ds2 feel?'

We've had to smuggle ds1 out of the house for a couple of parties and ask him not to say anything, but i've decided after half term i'm going to say something to the parents if it happens again. I don't care if i become 'that parent' !

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 12:20

Good Mrsk , I would hope op does as well. Message the party mum, oh hope Jake had a nice birthday, shame ds was not invited again, when Jake has happily been to ds party. I am glad op will have a smaller party with the ones that care. She is showing ds about friendships, and helping him have some self respect and self worth. She is fed up of sucking it up year after year.

Genevieva · 29/10/2017 12:43

I am so sorry your son is going through this. It is an experience that is all too common and really shook my faith that we live in a more humane age when it first happened to us.

Having a child with high functioning ASD has changed me profoundly. I have discovered an inner fierceness and protectiveness on a level I never knew I possessed previously. I admire your restraint and the fact you continued to be inclusive of the children with judgemental parents for so long.

Perhaps do a non-birthday event for the 4 of them mid year, so your son has something nice to look forward to at a time when he might otherwise feel excluded.

Worriedobsessive · 29/10/2017 12:51

My eldest has ASD. Call the parents out on it. The fact it’s the same three makes me wonder if they’ve sort of thought “oh they’re fine with it” and then it’s become acceptable between the 3 of them to exclude your boy, when actually he’s very upset, and rightly so.

Seriously, be calm And polite and ask them to explain. You’re not asking for an invitation, you’re asking for them to explain their actions.

I did this - a child in my son’s class came for tea most weeks before I drove them both to an activity together. But then he didn’t ask him to his birthday party. I stopped the father and watched him squirm. Apparently it was ok to use us as childcare but as he didn’t actually much like my son, he hadn’t invited him. I did this without my boy being aware and he went to to the party and there was no drama. But some people are so brass necked, they take silence alas tacit approval.

Genevieva · 29/10/2017 13:47

Well done you. We had this - used to take a boy swimming every week, but then didn't get a birthday party invitation. I did something far less brave that I am still not proud of. I had a massive Christmas drinks party with loads of parents from our village school, but I didn't invite the swimming family. It was partly deliberate, but mostly that I just couldn't look at them at the time. Their son had come running up to his Mum after school to say he couldn't find my son's invitation and ask if she had it. They still didn't invite him. I never asked why as I don't think they could have given me an answer that made sense.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 14:15

Oh gosh Geneva, that is really shitty. Some parents are just nasty and spiteful.

Original poster

User998877 · 29/10/2017 14:47

I'm sorry others have been through this too. These shitty parents need to think long and hard what lessons they are teaching their children.

We have been for a very long walk in a country park which has been good for us all especially ds, who's had a great time adding to his collections of outdoors jewels (rocks, stones). He is in his room arranging them as I type.

He is an amazing boy, in fact both my children are amazing and I'm happy that I am raising kind, thoughtful, well rounded children who I have no doubt will become amazing adults too.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 15:01

I feel sorry for this boys, with less than amazing parents. I wod be tempted to contact party boys mum and say, Glad Johnny and his and DS friends had a nice time, shame DS was the only one not invited yet again, despite Johnny attendings his birthdays. What a shame😪😪😪.

You have to put the sad emoji on or it won't be the same😂😂😂

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 15:03

I am glad your DS had a fantastic time. That's the main thing. Next year, an activity with his friends who care.

mikulkin · 29/10/2017 15:48

I will go against common opinion. If your boy enjoys his birthday party and company of these 3 friends who don't reciprocate I would still invite them for his sake not theirs. You are doing the birthday party for him not them. He is still young enough to just enjoy things without going into details who reciprocate and who doesn't.

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