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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never host a bloody birthday party ever again!

123 replies

User998877 · 28/10/2017 18:59

DS is 9 and since he was 4 I have hosted various parties for him. Every year all the invited children turn up and everyone has a great time.

He has ASD but copes very well in MS school without support and has been part of a group of around 7 boys who are all friends at school since pre school, two of these boys he sees out of school too.

Here's my issue, every year 3 of these boys have parties and always exclude DS, I appreciate ds won't be invited to everyone's party but he is always the only one excluded out of the group of 7.

As a parent I couldn't do this to a child, then to add insult to injury they keep accepting invitations to ds's party so clearly these boys don't have any issues with ds or they wouldn't want to come would they!

I'm annoyed and upset yet again today(as is ds) as ds's close friend's mum casually said at football this morning that she would see me later at 's party all in front of ds, and seemed socked when I said ds clearly hadn't been invited AGAIN!!

I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm really struggling to bite my tongue

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 30/10/2017 10:00

That's a good plan OP. If you are thinking of speaking to anyone then i would advise it as i did and i feel much better...

i spoke to the Mum of a recent invitation to DS1 and not DS2 (i texted in the holiday but she didn't answer). Ironically it was DS1 birthday party yesterday afternoon and i asked her outright 'is the invitation for Rhubarbs party for ds2 as well?' and she sort of stammered and said if someone drops out then he could possibly come. I looked unimpressed. She said 'is that okay?' and i said 'well of course Rhubarb can invite who he likes, but, you did all come to ds2 birthday party and have only invited DS1 back, DS2 thinks Rhubarb is his friend and i am going to have to explain why DS1 is invited but he isn't'. Then i said anyway i have to help with the balloons or something and went off to play. Later she came over and said 'of course ds2 was invited and it was just a mistake. So i feel better now - not particularly because he has been invited but because i'm not simmering about it anymore. I think it's mainly thoughtlessness rather than malice.

HibiscusIsland · 30/10/2017 10:20

Good for you for saying something Koala

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 10:44

Wow good on you MrsK, I certainly would if I were op. Some parents are utter shites!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 10:44

And need telling

CorbynsBumFlannel · 30/10/2017 12:45

Well kids are probably going to want to go to a party so if you are inviting them then they will likely accept even if it's not a best friend.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 30/10/2017 12:46

I'm sorry Koala but I'm absolutely cringing that you have forced a mother to invite your other child to their party when, for whatever reason, he wasn't invited.

Almahart · 30/10/2017 13:14

Couldn't agree less Corbynbum. That mother behaved incredibly rudely in accepting Mrs K's hospitality and then excluding a young child. I hope dhrvus cringeing and will put a bit more thought into what she does on the futures.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 13:18

corbyn what is not acceptable is accepting the invite for op DS, then he being the only one excluded year after year of a friendship group, this fault lies with the parents!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 13:19

Yes sometimes you have to speak out, as people will carry in being mean and walking all over you!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 13:21

I am.glad this time round, op is putting a stop to it.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 13:27

All this not owing an invite crap, excusing bad manners. In op case it's been going in since preschool, shocking! Op DS was part of an established friendship group all those years.

ShiftyMcGifty · 30/10/2017 13:30

Wow Mrs Koala, that is breathlessly cheeky.. demanding an invitation for both your children because you can't manage to explain to the younger why an older child would prefer to invite another friend of his instead of his friend's sibling?

How precious.

GreenTulips · 30/10/2017 14:01

Wow Mrs Koala

Actually it wasn't in this case - because I the boys are all in the same cohort and her DS had all the others kids for a party but only reciprocated for one of hers.... when her DS thought they were all good friends ... it's different

Ginnotginger · 30/10/2017 14:09

I had a rule for my dd that if she went to someone's birthday party they had to be invited to hers. Unfortunately, not all parents had the same policy. There was one particular girl who would make a point of handing the invitations out in front of my dd and never invited her. My dd considered her a friend and always invited her - it used to make me seethe but it was her party so I used to suck it up. My petty bit of revenge was giving that child the worst colour/ slightly wonky toy in the party bags.
One year, I was standing near to -horrible- particular child's mum when my dd ran up to say she hadn't been invited again and the bloody woman smirked (she was lucky that in those days I was a lot nicer than I am now). I told dd it didn't matter as she had already been to so many McD's parties already and they were a bit rubbish anyway and that we were doing something exciting that weekend as a surprise. I had to explain to another mum who was holding a McD's party why I had made that comment and it cost me quite a bit for the exciting surprise (in the run up to Christmas) but overall it was worth it.

GreenTulips · 30/10/2017 14:20

I had a rule for my dd that if she went to someone's birthday party they had to be invited to hers

I've never had this rule

Kids invited their friends whoever that happen to be that week.

I'm not that organized to remember who went to who's party and when

You go, take a gift - reciprocation has therefore taken place

CorbynsBumFlannel · 30/10/2017 14:38

I don't think there's ever a valid reason for crowbarring someone into a party they weren't invited to. Regardless of whether you think they SHOULD have been invited. I wouldn't even want my child to go to a party they weren't wanted at.

chocolatewine · 30/10/2017 15:01

CorbynsBumFlannel and ShiftyMcGifty you both seem to have misunderstood what happened. Mrs K's DS2 had a party where a whole family turned up, when that family sent out an invite it was only to Mrs K's DS1.

She was right to ask if it included her younger son too.

MrsKoala · 30/10/2017 15:19

Yes - they were all in the same group at school and all came to DS2 party (and brought their younger sibling and both parents, who happily drank beer and ate etc). We all hang about together in the holidays and as far as i was aware her son is as much friends with both my boys. Then i got a text saying 'Rhubarbs party is at x, hope DS1 can make it'. So i questioned whether it was for ds2 too. DS2 hasn't been invited to loads of parties DS1, which of course we just say DS1 is going to x's party and you aren't friends with them/they didn't come to yours. But this one was different i think and i don't agree that i was precious to say what i did. Of course you can disagree.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 30/10/2017 15:28

Did you invite the younger sibling or did they just turn up? If they just turned up then maybe you could have assumed the same was ok.
But it sounds like they are doing more of an activity party with limited numbers. Even if they were rude enough to rock up mob handed to yours I still find it cringeworthy that you basically made them invite your dcs brother. I don't think I've misunderstokd the situation. It's just not something I'd do.

MrsKoala · 30/10/2017 15:30

Next year i'm going to try to separate out the friendship groups i think. There are just some overlaps because of the way our families have grouped together.

MrsKoala · 30/10/2017 15:35

Yes, we did summer garden party for DS2 with an entertainer/disco thing. So i think it was considered the more the merrier and we certainly weren't bothered by siblings. As i say our families are friends and we often do things together around the children/hang out at school events. But her ds is a soft play thing. I am absolutely happy to pay for ds2 if it was a numbers thing.

MrsKoala · 30/10/2017 15:37

Oh, no we didn't invite the sibling by name. Just said we were doing a garden party for ds2 and their ds1 was given an invitation iirc - or i could have texted. It was over the summer hols so i didn't see everyone to give invitations.

Imaginosity · 31/10/2017 09:06

My DS has ASD too.

I would concentrate on trying to make my DS resilient rather than focusing on the other children.

In life everyone will face things that are unfair and we can't really control other people even if they are acting unkindly. The only thing we can do is control how we react.

I'd tell DS to look at the good side - the boys that return the invite and not to put too much emphasis on the ones that don't invite him. I know this might be easier said than done.

Does it bother you more than it bothers your DS?

If he doesn't care too much I would go with his preference as to who to invite. I'd make sure he understands the situation before he makes his decision.

And, as you said, this is all temporary. He will head on to secondary school and be with different children. Focus on giving him the tools to cope as he will come across situations like this again. Many children do, even those without ASD, although perhaps to a lesser extent.

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