Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To have kicked him out

106 replies

cunningstunnt · 24/09/2017 06:03

I went out on a date with a guy, having slept with him (to my shame) on our first date. It went well, but I made it very clear he couldn't come back to mine for practical reasons. He then got quite offended and said that he thought I was 'dumping' him. I reassured him that no, it just wasn't practical. If he wanted, he could stay on our next date on Tuesday (although I was trying to take it slow).

Anyway, he insisted on 'accompanying' me home (half an hour on public transport) and stopping at a pub on the way back. Then when we left the pub, stopping for a few cans at the shop. Obviously you can put two and two together, with the drink we've ended up having sex. Half way through I've 'come to my senses' - this isn't what I wanted, isn't what I told him etc, and I've told him to leave. He's not happy and I feel tricked into having sex.

I don't want to see him again after this. AIBU?

OP posts:

Niamhisnotarealname · 24/09/2017 06:06

Erm no YANBU! I can't believe you really need telling. he sounds like an are! who expects to stay over at someone's house on a first date? or ever for that matter without invitation?

KC225 · 24/09/2017 06:10

And who said romance was dead?

Shouldileavethedogs · 24/09/2017 06:15

You're responsible for your own actions. You had sex because you wanted to and as your post states .... You feel ashamed... you were not tricked. Learn from this by keeping that distance of not allowing strange men back to your house until you know them and trust them. Who knows what could have happened but I'm relieved you're safe and physically unharmed.

Original poster

cunningstunnt · 24/09/2017 06:19

errrm I felt ashamed having sex on the first date. I was determined it wasn't going to happen on the second as he was pushing for a 'relationship' rather that leaving it as a one night stand. I only let him back to my house as I live very very rural, so he could call a taxi! Sex was not on the agenda. Your post is a little harsh and taking an extreme view of the facts!

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 24/09/2017 06:21

I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex on a first date, or early in a relationship, or any other time that both people want to have sex.

However, from the few details you posted it looks like two things are going on here. One: this man is quite manipulative - first offended and then insisting. He barely knows you and he doesn't seem very respectful. Two: when you drink you make choices that you wouldn't make when sober. If it's important to you to take the sexual part of a relationship slowly, maybe it's a good idea to avoid alcohol. Dates don't have to involve alcohol, and only a manipulative bastard or an alcoholic would insist on having a few drinks.

And no, if I were you I definitely wouldn't see this man again.

Original poster

cunningstunnt · 24/09/2017 06:24

That is very good advice CardsforKittens, thank you

OP posts:

Shouldileavethedogs · 24/09/2017 06:27

Maybe I do sound harsh but as manipulative as he sounds you put yourself in a vulnerable position. Even more so by saying your house is rural. Regret is a strong emotion. Learn from that and keep yourself safe and don't see him again

Original poster

cunningstunnt · 24/09/2017 06:31

No, you're right Shouldileavethedogs and I didn't feel comfortable bringing him back to my house for a taxi, but equally I didn't feel comfortable saying no. He did exactly what he wanted and I need to grow a pair if I'm going to date!!

OP posts:

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 24/09/2017 06:33

I'm glad you're ok.

Do you think he will 'go quietly' when you say you don't want to see him again? The only thing that concerns me now is that he knows where you live

Yes he sounds manipulative. And i certaintly wouldn't want to see him again. But (and I mean this in the nicest way!) maybe this could be a sign to take a look at your safety when out on dates. I agree with the pp - there doesn't need to be alcohol on a date - especially not to the point where it clouds your judgement. better to be safe than sorry

Original poster

cunningstunnt · 24/09/2017 06:36

I think hope he will go quietly. I do have a tendency to not know when to stop with alcohol, my own issue so I will work on that before going on another date with a stranger!

OP posts:

Shouldileavethedogs · 24/09/2017 06:51

Call him a taxi and when it arrives tell him the taxi is here. You're in a very vulnerable position in a rural location. Go out to the taxi when it arrives and stay near it until he's in it. If he kicks off call the police immediacy. I didn't realise he was still there.

CycleChic · 24/09/2017 06:57

So, you said no, he plied you with alcohol, came into your home to use the phone, and one thing led to another? And you are worried about HIS feelings? While it's all well and good to change your mind about something (like having sex) doing so after being plied with booze is... at best dodgy. Please do not hesitate to contact the police if he doesn't take this graciously.

I am a bit confused on your timeline, though: was this your second date, or first? (no judging on the sex on the first date thing- I'm totally that kind of girl! Or was before I got married and became all respectable )

Kualabear · 24/09/2017 07:02

OP. No is a complete sentence and you could have used it a number of times during what you describe, please learn from this and be safe.

LEMtheoriginal · 24/09/2017 07:03

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF and those giving you a hard time here need to give their heads a wobble!

You were manipulated into having sex when you didn't want to. He knew you didn't want to invite him back yet he still insisted. He may or may not have got you pissed so you were less able to say no........

Make him leave if you feel so inclined. I'd probably get up and dressed and start crashing about til he wakes. Will he need a taxi? Call him one once he wakes up. Cool and polite. You don't want a scene.

strike this up to experience and just make sure you stick to your ground rules. Of course next time you might decide you want to (not with this guy) and that's ok too. I do think the what have I done moment is fairly common if it's a ons. My ons didn't leave -fuckers snoring his head off . 25 years later!!

Footle · 24/09/2017 07:03

Doesn't either of you have a mobile?

FenceSitter01 · 24/09/2017 07:09

ishouldleavethedogs talks sense. She's nailed it. So long as your morning-after-regret doesn't manifest into you calling him a rapist.

In this age of sexual freedom and equality >hollow laugh< I've never quite grasped how making the decision to get your kit off whilst drunk is in any way liberating. It put you in danger. You have no idea what you are inviting into your home. This board generally makes me go .... because you wouldn't let a post man use your loo potential rapist but you'll drop your draws for a random hook up from PoF

^^ a generic observation, not specific to the OP BTW.

Niamhisnotarealname · 24/09/2017 09:00

Wait, he's still there? Call him a taxi, wake him the hell up and tell him to get out! why couldn't he call a taxi from where you were drinking? . He's already identified himself as a manipulative nutter and now he knows where you live. Please look after your safety better in future!

MrHolmes · 24/09/2017 09:09

You were not tricked into sex.
Did he hold you down and pour booze down your throat?

Shouldileavethedogs · 24/09/2017 09:16

I went out on a date with a girl, having slept with her (to my shame) on our first date. It went well, but I made it very clear i couldn't go back to her for practical reasons. She then got quite offended and said that she thought I was 'dumping' her. I reassured her that no, it just wasn't practical. If she wanted, i could stay on our next date on Tuesday (although I was trying to take it slow).

Anyway, she insisted that i 'accompany' her home (half an hour on public transport). We stopped at a pub on the way back. Then when we left the pub, stopping for a few cans at the shop. I am rather silly as I could have left at any point as all the places we visited were very public but I chose to carry on and obviously you can put two and two together, with the drink we've ended up having sex. Half way through I've 'come to my senses' - this isn't what I wanted, isn't what I told her etc, and I've told her im leaving. She's not happy and I feel tricked into having sex. I have no idea of the address so I can't call a taxi.
I feel ashamed having sex on the first date. I was determined it wasn't going to happen on the second as she was pushing for a 'relationship' rather that leaving it as a one night stand. I only went him back to her house as she said she lives very rural and wanted to get home safe and that I could call a taxi from there. Sex was not on the agenda.
I didn't feel comfortable going back to her house but equally I didn't feel comfortable saying no. She did exactly what she wanted and I need to grow a pair if I'm going to date!!

I hope she will let me go quietly. I do have a tendency to not know when to stop with alcohol, my own issue so I will work on that before going on another date with a stranger!

I don't want to see her again after this. AIBU

KarmaNoMore · 24/09/2017 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miserylovescompany2 · 24/09/2017 09:44

For future dating - I'd set out some clear rigid boundaries and stick to them...

He sounds like an opportunist - A manipulative one at that - chalk this one up to experience and don't repeat.

First dating/meeting - I'd think about a casual coffee date. If you like him? Maybe a walk afterwards. I'd avoid anything to do with alcohol.

Shouldileavethedogs · 24/09/2017 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Crunchymum · 24/09/2017 09:53

Is he still there?

Get rid ASAP. Tell him your jealous ex / very religious father / very protective brother is coming over. Call a taxi and get him gone.

Then block him, let a few people know the situation (neighbours / friends) just in case he doesn't go quietly, make sure your house is secure and please sort out your drinking issue and stop OLD until you are in a better place.

Miserylovescompany2 · 24/09/2017 10:09

I read your post Should after posting my own thoughts - it's very interesting to read from what might be the man's perspective..

Food for thought - I'm questioning myself now?

LEMtheoriginal · 24/09/2017 10:11

Victim blaming at it's best

Flip

1 2 3 4 5