To have kicked him out

[cunningstunnt]

I went out on a date with a guy, having slept with him (to my shame) on our first date. It went well, but I made it very clear he couldn't come back to mine for practical reasons. He then got quite offended and said that he thought I was 'dumping' him. I reassured him that no, it just wasn't practical. If he wanted, he could stay on our next date on Tuesday (although I was trying to take it slow).

Anyway, he insisted on 'accompanying' me home (half an hour on public transport) and stopping at a pub on the way back. Then when we left the pub, stopping for a few cans at the shop. Obviously you can put two and two together, with the drink we've ended up having sex. Half way through I've 'come to my senses' - this isn't what I wanted, isn't what I told him etc, and I've told him to leave. He's not happy and I feel tricked into having sex.

I don't want to see him again after this. AIBU?

[GwenStaceyRocks]

I don't understand how you could ever think it was UR to ask someone to leave your house.
You really have to work on your boundaries because healthy boundaries mean you don't just state them and hope other people will respect them.
YY that's how it would work in an ideal world but in RL you have to be able to be firm and enforce your own boundaries.

[Aeroflotgirl]

this is a good video about consent for sex, but using the tea analogy

[JacquesHammer]

YANeverBU to say "no" to someone whether before or during sex.

I hope you're ok OP. Try not to beat yourself up with feelings of shame. There is nothing shameful in what you've posted

[Aeroflotgirl]

The thing is, its fine to change your mind during sex, you can refuse at any time, if a guy does not respect that, he's not a nice person. Op if your dating, its mostly strangers, set boundaries and stick to them. Its best if you make your way and go back by yourself, if a man is insistent be firm. Say you are making me uncomfortable by insisting you come home with me, I want to end this date. Walk off or phone a cab.

[DJBaggySmalls]

He's ignored every boundary you made and did what he wanted. He's emotionally manipulative and wont take no for an answer. Get rid of him and dont feel bad.
Then look at taking assertiveness classes.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Also set limits on alcohol, when on a date just have 1 or 2 and no more, you are meeting a virtual stranger and need to have your wits about you, alcohol masks that.

[HerOtherHalf]

Learn from this. You need to be more assertive and if you don't want to endup in bed don't be coerced into them accompanying you home. He knew what he was doing when he suggested/insisted on that. You possibly did to but just lacked the confidence to stand your ground. I'd also suggest that, even if you are up for sex, inviting a relative stranger back to your house is not a good idea from a personal safety point of view, especially if you live remotely.

[LEMtheoriginal]

Good response cunning! YANBU but I would have loved to see the look on his face

[ScrewedUpLittleFace]

You were not unreasonable. At all. He sounds entitled, creepy and manipulative. Don’t see him again.

ODFOD astratty

[astratty76666]

Except she didn't "enjoy" it, did she?

She didn't want to do it the second time, but got drunk and did it anyway. Staggering lack of self respect going on there.

[JacquesHammer]

Except she didn't "enjoy" it, did she?

She didn't want to do it the second time, but got drunk and did it anyway. Staggering lack of self respect going on there

Ah. Slut shaming. Aren't you a delight.

I have shagged complete strangers because I wanted to. Nothing to do with a lack of self-respect. There is nothing shameful about what the OP did, just unfortunate he turned out to be manipulative

[LEMtheoriginal]

Ashtratty fuck off

[cunningstunnt]

astratty76666 actually you're pretty accurate, but it's due to previous trauma rather than normally being a drunk/slut. So thanks for judging me!

[TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown]

Gwenstaceyrocks

You really have to work on your boundaries because healthy boundaries mean you don't just state them and hope other people will respect them.
YY that's how it would work in an ideal world but in RL you have to be able to be firm and enforce your own boundaries.

This post ^ is so true.

Do you have trouble setting boundaries usually Cunning ? You can work on this so you feel more confident saying 'no' and not allowing some creep to pester you into doing things you don't want.

[AdalindSchade]

It's completely fucking ridiculous to switch the roles and make out like this pushy, entitled man is being taken advantage of by the OP!
Op don't beat yourself up but don't allow any man to trample your boundaries in future.

[cunningstunnt]

yes I do have a problem with boundaries. most of the time even when I set them with family and friends they are walked over anyway! I try not to be a pushover but I really struggle because I'm seen as a 'bitch' when I stand up for myself

[cunningstunnt]

I do see it that it's easier to have sex and then them leave rather than them stay and push and push, which is what happened last night. Alcohol just makes it easier to get it over with. I know that's bad.

[TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown]

I do see it that it's easier to have sex and then them leave rather than them stay and push and push, which is what happened last night.



Be a bitch. You are the queen of your own life, your body is yours, not public property. Don't let people walk over your boundaries. Just get up and leave when that happens, or do the broken record if it's in your house "you need to leave now. I want you to leave now. It's time for you to leave now." Do the same whether it's men, your friends or your family.

People learn how to treat you by what you accept. If you accept pushy behaviour, or do nothing when people cross your boundaries, they will continue to behave that way. Start to push the uncomfortableness back on them and don't allow yourself to be upset just so they are not upset. Your priority should be you, not the feelings of some pushy wankstain who you've met twice.

[Ttbb]

YANBU. While it is good manners to accompany a woman home after a date in the evening, it is most definitely not acceptable to have sex after your date (male or female) has made it clear that they do not intend to, even if they seemingly change their minds.

[cunningstunnt]

"don't allow yourself to be upset just so they are not upset"

you've hit the nail on the head @TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown ... that's exactly how I go through life. I don't want to upset people so I let them walk over me

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op just because you go on a date, you owe them nothing. Start role playing scenarios with a friend or in the mirror, and how you can react to them. Your self worth will soar, once you lay down those boundaries and follow through.

[astratty76666]

I have shagged complete strangers because I wanted to. Nothing to do with a lack of self-respect.

You sound almost proud to be dropping your knickers for total strangers. Disgusting behaviour.

[Littletabbyocelot]

Surely manipulating someone into sex is a thing (Im pretty sure there are whole books on the subject of getting round refusals, pushing boundaries etc). Its not rape but its a shit way for someone to behave. YWNBU to make him leave & YANBU to never see him again.