To have kicked him out

[cunningstunnt]

I went out on a date with a guy, having slept with him (to my shame) on our first date. It went well, but I made it very clear he couldn't come back to mine for practical reasons. He then got quite offended and said that he thought I was 'dumping' him. I reassured him that no, it just wasn't practical. If he wanted, he could stay on our next date on Tuesday (although I was trying to take it slow).

Anyway, he insisted on 'accompanying' me home (half an hour on public transport) and stopping at a pub on the way back. Then when we left the pub, stopping for a few cans at the shop. Obviously you can put two and two together, with the drink we've ended up having sex. Half way through I've 'come to my senses' - this isn't what I wanted, isn't what I told him etc, and I've told him to leave. He's not happy and I feel tricked into having sex.

I don't want to see him again after this. AIBU?

[BMW6]

There is no victim here to blame!

[NicolasFlamel]

Victim of what?!

[User7o873]

"now wants to gee everyone up on here to pluck up the courage to say he raped her. We have a whole generation of women doing this"

Oh definitely. The new generation of women are all manipulative, victim-playing bitches. Poor, poor men. How do they put up with us?

[FakePlasticTeaLeaves]

To be honest, I am quite confused about what happened.
From what you've said, I think it seems a bit harsh to say this guy 'tricked' you. It sounds like he was persuasive, but that you drank together and then had sex, but you weren't really forced into doing anything you didn't want to?

If I am missing something, OP or someone else please do say! And definitely just don't see him again if you don't want to. You never need any reason not to see someone again.

As a side note, you really shouldn't feel ashamed about sleeping with him on the first date. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

[Gottagetmoving]

Oh come on!!
You say you made it clear he couldn't come back to your place? Not clear enough if he 'insisted' He accompany you home!
You could have refused at any point. You then went into a pub with him...you went for the cans knowing he intended to come back to yours. We're you scared of him? You have not indicated that.
You are both adults but you regret the outcome. You need to get over it and decide whether you will throw him out now.
Don't blame him for the decisions you made.

[LEMtheoriginal]

A victim of a manipulative fucked who whilst the OP appears to have consented she is not a victim of rape.

But she could have been and everyone on this thread is pretty much saying it was her own fault for drinking and allowing him into her flat.

Nice

[LEMtheoriginal]

And no I am not saying she was raped !

[LEMtheoriginal]

Oh and the OP hasn't been back so she has either thrown him out or decided he wasn't so bad after all.

[Trollspoopglitter]

Yes, yes we are saying an adult who chooses to invite another adult into her home and then chooses to have sex is not a victim and wasn't tricked. She doesn't have a man problem, she's got a drinking problem.

[ShellyBoobs]

...and those giving you a hard time here need to give their heads a wobble!

Not sure what 'give their heads a wobble' means - it sounds like something a child would say - but the gist of it seems to be that anyone who doesn't agree with you is automatically wrong.

[LEMtheoriginal]

Shelley I only heard that saying on here and I think it's pretty inoffensive.

My comment would be more along the lines of
. Poor OP we have all been there (well I have) and it's pants. Get shot of him and do something nice for yourself. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I can imagine finding myself I n a similar position. And trying to remember that post drinking too much guilt tends to shift with the hangover

[Oswin]

Shouldileavethedogs wtf are you going on about.
A whole generation of women claiming rape?
Are you stupid? I can't see how you would think that's a normal thing to say.
Outright bullshit.

[cunningstunnt]

Sorry to have given you all such a drama to work with. I have never said I was raped or coerced into sex. If I had had my way we would have left in the town we met in, not come back to mine at all, and met up on Tuesday (probably bringing him back to my house for sex). As it stands half way through the sex last night I told him to stop and kicked him out. That's all I was asking about AIBU. Any other judging is your own issue.

[Aeroflotgirl]

He sounds awful. However I wpd stay away from alcohol in dates, and don't be afraid to say no, or end the date if you are not comfortable. Don't go with them alone, just keep it public, until you get to know them more and feel more comfortable. Always tell a friend where your going.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Don't see him again.

[SandyY2K]

Kick him out of you wish, but take responsibility and don't act helpless or like he's the big bad wolf.

[TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown]

YANBU at all. Pushy guys like that are revolting; who would even want to have sex with a woman who had to be plied with drink to change her mind? It's not enthusiastic consent is it?

In future Cunning you should be a little more cautious about who you invite to your house, especially if you live rurally. Don't worry about coming across as a bitch for telling him he can't come back to your house. Women are socialised to be polite and consider other people's feelings but that is to our detriment in many cases.

Hope you feel OK today

[PoorYorick]

You can end a relationship for any reason but don't blame him for your decision to have sex. If you look at my posts you'll see I go down like a ton of bricks on rape apologists, but in this case it's you feeling ashamed for agreeing to sex (why?). Seduction isn't rape.

[PoorYorick]

You have every right to stop and kick him out halfway through sex.

[Viviennemary]

No YANBU. He should have listened to you and not followed you and persuaded you to go for a drink. Just don't see him again. Too controlling by half and too fond of getting his own way.

[Mrskeats]

'Tricked into sex'?? Maybe just decide your boundaries and stick with them. Next time just say no coming back-you don't have to explain yourself. I would also not drink so much on early dates- it clouds your judgement and makes you vulnerable to opportunistic men like him.

[rwalker]

move on sounds like you don,t want to see him again anyway .It's sound like right had enough off you go. Which is upto you no problem with that but i would be pissed off as well . How would you feel if half way through a shag the guys stopped and said right get out off you go get out .Both adults both consenting forget it but wouldn't wait for call for 2nd date

[LanaDReye]

I read this differently. You decided ahead you wouldn't have sex. You decided he could come back on transport and decided to agree to go into a pub and to buy cans. You changed your mind and decided to have sex but, as is your choice, changed your mind and asked him to leave. You were being reasonable and deciding what to do along the way. It is ok to change your mind.

Now it's your decision if you want to see him again. Most first dates don't go anywhere, regardless of what took place.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

OP I can see how the situation went the way it did, but at each point it was clear what his objectives were and you should have been stronger. Next time say no. You made your own way to town, capable of getting yourself home. Presumably at least one of you had a mobile you could have rang a taxi from?
It needn't have got that far. Next time grow a pair (meant in the nicest possible way)!

[SendintheArdwolves]

I understand your feeling of "that wasn't how I wanted it to go" and I agree that there's no point beating yourself up.

I'm not victim-blaming (he sounds pushy and unpleasant) and you don't have to do it on this thread, but it might be helpful to think about the events of the evening, and think about (if/when you are ever in a similar situation) how you could assert yourself.

For example, when he "insisted" on accompanying you home, when he suggested you go to the pub on the way, when he suggested you get alcohol to take back to your place, and even when he said that you must be "dumping" him if you didn't want to sleep with him again. Think about phrases you could have said - for example "No, I don't want to do that, thanks" and then when he continues to push it, "You're starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I've said I'm going home by myself now".

I understand that we're all socialised to "be nice" and that stating what you want and sticking to your boundaries can feel unbearably rude at times, but there is nothing rude or unkind about deciding to leave a date.