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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

posted for traffic...can I refuse a SS meeting?

431 replies

ssquestion · 22/09/2017 09:11

The circumstances are quite sensitive and identifying so this may be a bit vague.

I've been contacted by SS who want a meeting with me about my DC (over 16 but under 18).

My view is DC are over 16, not at school, not children and therefore don't need child protection. They are suggesting a meeting with me and then me and DC.

Can I refuse? Apart from anything else, I have no annual leave left til Xmas, so if I did meet them I'd be losing a days pay, which isn't great.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 22/09/2017 09:12

You could, but I wouldn't.

YellowFlower201 · 22/09/2017 09:13

I wouldn't if I were you.

Creambun2 · 22/09/2017 09:13

If your dc are under 18 then the law says they are children. So no you can't refuse.

LemonBreeland · 22/09/2017 09:13

I can't see any benefit in refusing to meet them. They have a reason for wanting to meet with you, and if you won't that will be a huge red flag to them. All it says is you have something to hide.

Caulkheadupnorf · 22/09/2017 09:13

But they are still children because legally they aren't adults yet.

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 22/09/2017 09:14

IME it's better just to engage. My dc are younger though. Is there a child protection issue or just a meeting? There are different levels and teams within social services.
Someone will be along with better and more knowledgeable advice.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo · 22/09/2017 09:14

No the best thing to do is to cooperate and be honest. They aren't out to get you.

MatildaTheCat · 22/09/2017 09:15

Your view does not coincide with the law on this point. We don't know the details to comment of whether Abu or not but personally, SS don't call meetings for fun and will probably draw their own conclusions if you don't attend.

Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 09:15

It's crazy though - DC could join the armed forces and get killed or injured fighting for their country. Or father a child/ children. Yet SS are still dealing with them as a child
it makes no sense to me.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 22/09/2017 09:15

Its really not a good idea.

The work thing sounds like an excuse, why don't you want to meet them? Surely they're trying to help?

KityGlitr · 22/09/2017 09:15

She's a child if under eighteen.

Why would you refuse to meet? They can't force you but whatever problems have sparked the meeting will get worse as you'll be seen as non compliant. Think about it, what parent when told there are concerns for their kids safety or wellbeing and offered a meeting to discuss how to support her or get further info would turn round and say 'no, why should I have to? She's over 16'

If you don't attend the meeting will probably happen without you. It's in your and your child's interests to attend. Are you not concerned about her and why this is happening? SS don't go round calling meetings for kids who are fine for no reason, they're stretched to the brim.

Nomorechickens · 22/09/2017 09:16

I would have the initial meeting so you are fully aware of their concerns, ask for an evening meeting, it doesn't have to be 9-5. Then take it from there. Be seen to be engaging with them and sorting out any issues. Apart from that, SS departments and SWs vary massively in competence and common sense so hope you don't have a dud.

Creambun2 · 22/09/2017 09:16

No dc could join the armed forces at 16 with his parents legal consent, as they are still classed as children

Sirzy · 22/09/2017 09:16

So SS are worried enough about your child to want a meeting - what benefit is there of not engaging? How would that be in their best interest?

Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 09:17

It's a matter police have been involved with. The officer said he was required to notify SS, but given DC age and other circumstances it was unlikely we'd even be contacted, and if we were it would be a courtesy phone call. Hence my surprise I'm expected to attend a meeting.

OP posts:
Pigeonpost · 22/09/2017 09:18

Don't children have to stay in education/apprenticeship until they are 18 now? Or by not in school do you mean home educated? I can't imagine that refusing the meeting would do you any favours at all but it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask whether they can meet you outside your work hours if at all possible.

corythatwas · 22/09/2017 09:19

I'm struggling a bit to think of any circumstances where SS would think your child needed support and you as a parent didn't want to be involved. Even if you think nothing has been going on and they are totally barking up wrong tree, why wouldn't you want to be there to help get things sorted.

If your child joins the Forces (which incidentally most Western countries don't agree with at this age), the Army will be responsible for their welfare. Since they have not joined the Forces, you are.

Rachie1973 · 22/09/2017 09:19

I think probably it depends on the circs.

I refused one when my son was 17. He'd been a nightmare through the secondary years but when I approached them for help they didn't want to know. As far as they were concerned he was from a 'loving supportive family' and they couldn't help.

On his 17th he went out with mates and I got a call for help from his friend because he was absolutely out cold from alcohol. I called an ambulance because I couldn't get any response from him. The paramedics came, said he wasn't 'alcohol poisoned' and went. I watched over him, as you do for the night.

3 days later I got a call from SS asking to come and see me about my sons alcohol issues. I actually said 'thanks but no thanks'. And they never appeared. (He's tee total at 22 so lesson learned).

So I do think it depends why they want to see you to be honest. If it's habitual drug use in your home around smaller kids (just an example) .... then I can't see them going away. Or if it's something less major like my example they may be parent led.

Blossomdeary · 22/09/2017 09:20

Ask for an evening meeting - express gratitude for their concern - play by the rules. They are not out to get you; they are there to help with a child who has slipped up with the law in some way.

CosmicPineapple · 22/09/2017 09:20

I dont understand why you would refuse. If your child is involved with the police surely you would be grateful of any extra support offered to try and change the path your child is on if they are in trouble with police?

Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 09:21

It's helpful to know it could be outside 9-5, there was no suggestion of that in their letter.

The work thing isn't an excuse fwiw. A day unpaid loses me money I can't afford to lose. I don't really want to have to go to a meeting that I haven't asked for that will cost me over £100.

That said if it can be after 5, it helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 09:23

It's not DC who are involved with the police. It's a member of our family.

DC are at college/ apprenticeships. So not schoolchildren.

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 22/09/2017 09:24

Why isn't your child being educated still?

Police involved. SS now involved. Are you being the best role model you could be in helping to build life skills for a happy successful life for your child(ren?)

Your post comes across as you just don't care to me. Sorry if you feel that's a harsh comment but maybe that's what the police and SS have also thought.

Racmactac · 22/09/2017 09:25

Are they looking to see what support they can provide you with ?

They won't issue care proceedings for a child that age so unless I felt I needed some support I'd probably not attend

CosmicPineapple · 22/09/2017 09:27

Ok so DC is not in trouble with the police but is involved with them due to a family member?
I would still have the meeting with SS tbh. Either they will be able to offer support or they will close the case.

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