posted for traffic...can I refuse a SS meeting?

[ssquestion]

The circumstances are quite sensitive and identifying so this may be a bit vague.

I've been contacted by SS who want a meeting with me about my DC (over 16 but under 18).

My view is DC are over 16, not at school, not children and therefore don't need child protection. They are suggesting a meeting with me and then me and DC.

Can I refuse? Apart from anything else, I have no annual leave left til Xmas, so if I did meet them I'd be losing a days pay, which isn't great.

Ah cross post I now see they are in education. Would SS accept a lunchtime telephone conversation? They can use conference phone their end but saves you having to travel to their offices.

If it were my child (even 16-18 ) I would still be interested to find out why they feel they should have involvement. If it is due to alcohol or inappropriate sexual involvement with older person maybe they have more information than you currently know.

ah, last posts making things a bit clearer

I still think this "they are over 16" is a bit of a red herring

if they were in the Army, the army would be in loco parentis- responsible for ensuring their physical and emotional welfare

now you are in that place

SS have concerns for the safety of your child, for whom you are still responsible; you may think those concerns are overblown, but SS don't know that.

yes, of course you should ask for an evening/late afternoon meeting if at all possible

but it's going to come across a lot better (and make people more willing to bend over backwards to accommodate you) if you phrase it as "it is very difficult for me to get time off work" rather than "I don't see why I should have to, they're old enough to look after themselves"

DC are attending college / apprenticeship. So they are receiving what education is 'expected'.

As a single parent in a professional role, yes I think I'm a great role model. DC are perfectly happy and know nothing about SS, and I'd like to keep it that way. Hence my reluctance to allow their intrusion onto my family.

I relied on what the officer said. He suggested SS had more important stuff to worry about.

No, you don't have to engage with ss. It also seems unlikely they'd take it further with a 17 year old. Maybe you could offer to discuss over the phone?

if a member of your family is involved with the police, is it possible SS want to discuss whether your DC have relevant information they could give?

And the phone meeting, as Fluffy suggests, is another possibility.

They won't do it over the phone, as something written has to be completed apparently.

It's the fact that not only are they expecting a meeting with me but then one with my DC that concerns me.

You could request a meeting nearby in your lunch hour or perhaps a Skype/ go to /FaceTime meeting or after 5.00. Do explain that the impact of taking time out would affect your finances.

It's crazy though - DC could join the armed forces and get killed or injured fighting for their country.

They can't fight until they're 18.

So perhaps the fact they are wanting to take whatever has happened so seriously despite being a stretched service should make you stop and work with them?

Honestly, I would agree to a meeting but not with my children. I wouldn't want to involve them either if it was avoidable. I would also ensure the meeting was not in my work hours and preferably at their office not my home.

I have previously said given the police advice I don't see why a meeting is necessary. They won't tell me if I can refuse or what happens if I do.

I don't know whether as pp have said, refusing will make it go away, or worse. Or whether by agreeing I then start a load of shit for myself and DC we can do without...

At 17 why wouldn't you invole a child in a meeting about them?

If you think of your children as almost-grown-up, why are you so anxious that they should not know about SS and not have to be involved in this? Isn't dealing with the more difficult aspects of life something grown-ups have to learn to do?

meeting with me but then one with my DC that concerns me.

All the more reason to attend the first meeting so you can find out what is going on and what the content will be of the second meeting.
I really do not understabd your reluctance.

Tell them you are at a risk of losing your job if you attend during the day, as you have no annual leave left. But happy to meet them outside this time.
I couldn't afford to lose a £100 either.

Better to meet them.

Depending On what the issue with "family member" has been social services may well just be checking that your DC weren't affected by it and if they were be offering counselling etc

DC could join the armed forces and get killed or injured fighting for their country

Well not really, no one is sending 16 and 17 year olds to the front line.

It does sound like your wriggling as you don't wish to meet them. Find a time that suits and meet them.

Is it about sexual exploitation? Because if it is I wouldn't definitely attend.

My DC don't know anything about the police/ court re family member.

SS involvement seems prurient and unwarranted.

A few years ago a friend (also a neighbor so same area/ SS office) suffered DV at the hands of her then partner. In front of her primary school aged DC.Police called several times. She was hoping SS would get involved as she needed help and support to leave. She got a 1 line letter saying SS were 'not concerned'. Yet I've got to have a meeting. It seems all wrong.

OP, I've had an awful experience in the past with SS and understand your reluctance. I've always thought I was on the same 'side' as them, until I wasn't and it was awful. Like you, I'd be reluctant to ever give them an inch unless I absolutely had to.

That said, I think a meeting or conversation at this stage is wise and could save you significant trouble down the road. If you're concerned about issues of trustworthiness, I'd make sure you communicate in writing. Demonstrate your willingness to have a conversation with them and request that they take your working pattern into account when arranging it. And suggesting a phone call (along with appropriate times) again shows you're willing to work with them.

Like PP said, you could request that the meeting take place at their office - unless they have concerns about your home conditions I shouldn't think a home visit is necessary. And I would request to discuss their concerns at a preliminary meeting before establishing the extent to which your son needed to be involved.

Finally, you could always ask for the meeting to be minuted and check that you're happy with the record before you leave and ask for a copy to be sent to you. That way you're covered with regards to what was said.

They can visit out of work hours.

I would strongly advise that you don't refuse as it's a red flag to SS that you are hiding something. Just explain to them that you can't take time off work and I'm sure they will be able to visit one evening when you are home.

If it's a meeting after 5pm a visit to their office probably won't be an option.