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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

posted for traffic...can I refuse a SS meeting?

431 replies

ssquestion · 22/09/2017 09:11

The circumstances are quite sensitive and identifying so this may be a bit vague.

I've been contacted by SS who want a meeting with me about my DC (over 16 but under 18).

My view is DC are over 16, not at school, not children and therefore don't need child protection. They are suggesting a meeting with me and then me and DC.

Can I refuse? Apart from anything else, I have no annual leave left til Xmas, so if I did meet them I'd be losing a days pay, which isn't great.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 22/09/2017 15:17

Most people are private and don't relish the through of a meeting with SS. But many people have the sense not to be obstructive. (By no means all).

Eledamorena · 22/09/2017 15:21

You can refuse. You can also request that the meeting is at a time and location to suit you - e.g. if you prefer not to have SS in your house you can ask to meet at a cafe or at their offices. Personally, I would want info in writing explaining what the meeting is about, who will attend etc. And I would have an adult friend or relative attend with you and take notes of the meeting.

People here assuming that SS are there to help are assuming the best; I used to be of the same mind but having seen friends exposed to the very worst I would urge caution and I personally would never meet a social worker without a witness. (And while this shouldn't be relevant, I am a middle class professional with no reason to fear SS and have had no involvement with them, but I have seen such shocking levels of unprofessionalism and outright dishonesty from SS that undermines all the amazing work so many social workers do and I would not risk my own children being exposed to them if it could be avoided).

OP - I understand your confusion re your children being old enough to have babies, serve in the military etc but still considered children by SS. It is a weird grey area, I agree.

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/09/2017 15:28

No reason my DC need to know family member has to spend 50 hours litter picking or whatever

Make your mind up - do you regard your 17 year old kids as children or as adults?
The above decision is not yours to make if you are serious about regarding them as adults who can 'join the forces/have kids/move out'

Why are you keen to protect this family member when what they've done is so bad that SS are having to get involved?
Your kids are old enough to make this decision themselves - and they have a right to know if there are predators in their midst so they (or future dc) won't be at risk in any way.

If you want SS to view them as adults then stop mollycoddling them like this.

CardsforKittens · 22/09/2017 15:47

OP, I'm trying really hard to understand your perspective, but it looks to me as if you're more interested in protecting the family member than in protecting your own (young adult) children. Since I think that's unlikely, I suppose it's just the impression I've formed though the gaps in the story, and it's fair enough that you don't want to say which family member it is, or what they did. But I suspect that SS could come to a similar conclusion if they get the impression that you're not fully co-operating. Sorry, I'm not trying to sound harsh here, but I just don't understand your reluctance.

ZippyCameBack · 22/09/2017 16:09

I've had some recent experience with social workers and my advice is to be wary. Get legal advice (there are free helplines/sources of advice and members of the clergy often have experience with this sort of thing or access to sources of help) and make sure you have someone with you for support or to be a witness to what is said, if you feel you need it.
I thought that since I had done nothing wrong, I had nothing to fear by being open and honest. I was very wrong. No good social worker would lie about what you say, or invent things that haven't happened to fit the theory they had before they met you, but you can't assume that you will get a good one.
Unfortunately it just isn't true that a person who has done nothing wrong has nothing to fear. Hopefully it will work out okay for you, but you need to protect yourself.
For what it's worth I would actually tell your children the outline of what this is all about. If they feel that nothing is wrong in their lives then they may be fine with a meeting which gives them the chance to say so. It will stop them wondering and worrying about what is making you so stressed. We always think we hide our stress well, but children are often good at picking up even small signs that all is not well.
This is one of the confidential sources of help I used;
www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline/

KityGlitr · 22/09/2017 16:11

You can request a more convenient timed appointment OP but don't expect that it's a guarantee. There might be more than one professional they need to coordinate being in attendance, not to mention that most SWs do office hours (technically anyway, before all the unpaid overtime) so they may well say this is the only time they can meet you and you'll have to decide whether to go or not.

Your attitude of 'arrange it at a time and place convenient to me' makes it seem like you're in control here or you're talking about someone who you're paying for a service and so have the upper hand (like a hairdresser!) not a team of professionals who also have masses of other kids to look out for and who have concerns about your child's safety. I understand your worries about missing a day's work but you might want to go into this recognising you might have to accept their meeting time or not attend rather then thinking they'll go along with whatever you want.

Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 16:15

There's no child protection order. I was at the sentencing of the family member, the court and lawyers used the term community punishment order. As legally qualified people, I'd assumed they were using the appropriate terms.

The police have said the referral relates to family member, but they didn't expect SS would need to speak to me. I've tried to ask SS why they feel they know better than the police but they've ignored me and just requested a meeting.

SS are very unprofessional thus far in my dealings with them and at least one person who contacted me from their office could not speak English properly i asked them tp put their request on writing because she was so difficult to understand. If I do attend a meeting I will be recording it.

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 22/09/2017 16:16

How would you know if there is information you don't know?

I am sure that there is a good reason for the SW wanting to speak to you, they are far too busy to have meetings for no reason.

You are coming across as more bothered about your privacy and keeping your family secrets than your child's safety. I hope that this is just how it comes across.

As others have said, arrange the meeting, explain it needs to be outside working hours and please listen carefully to what they tell you. If they want to talk to your child then they can do that whether you cooperate or not, but they are obviously trying to involve you at this point, so it is not you that they are concerned about.

Notevilstepmother · 22/09/2017 16:20

Clearly there has been a mix up between community punishment and child protection as both are cp.

However there is clearly a safeguarding issue related to the offence because there has been a referral to social services. They may have more recent information than the police, or concerns that don't meet the threshold for prosecution.

Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 16:44

The suggestion they know better than the police, which effectively is what they're saying, is pretty irritating.

The senior police officer I spoke to said there's no reason for SS to do anything as family member doesn't live here and never has and doesn't have much to with DC. Yet they are insistent on a meeting.

I don't want them in my house, poking around. My DC are happy, well adjusted and safe in any sense of the word. They are not at risk of anything. Even though SS were unable to articulate what they thought they were at risk of.

OP posts:
tiggytape · 22/09/2017 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 22/09/2017 17:42

Social services do know better than the police about child safeguarding...

Sirzy · 22/09/2017 17:45

If the police where so sure then why did the feel the need to refer it to SS in the first place?

SS obviously feel that it is in the best interest of your children to discuss things with you and them. I don’t see why you would fight this rather than seeing it as a way of helping?

BellaNoche · 22/09/2017 18:40

The senior police officer I spoke to said there's no reason for SS to do anything as family member doesn't live here and never has and doesn't have much to with DC. Yet they are insistent on a meeting

So the family member has SOME contact with them....there is the clue OP.

Strange comment from " senior" officer, a bit outside their remit I would suggest?

By all means, don't co operate, it's your call.... but I doubt they (SS) will go away.

RestlessTraveller · 23/09/2017 08:35

To be honest your attitude would make me increasingly concerned that you were protecting the perpetrator in your family.

Step back and strip all of your prejudices away, then have one thought...your children may be at risk, there are experts offering to help you deal with it. Why would you not take them up on the offer?

TammySwansonTwo · 23/09/2017 08:38

Why are you not telling your children about this family member's conviction? If SS are getting involved, there must be a safeguarding issue - I just cannot comprehend why you're so reluctant.

Bluelonerose · 23/09/2017 08:41

Do NOT invite them to have the meeting at your house. Ss would tell me I wasn't coping if I had so much as a teaspoon in the sink and washing in the machine.

Take notes through out cos they will. They will also twist anything you say so make you you have EVERYTHING written down EXACTLY how is was said.
Good luck Flowers

Lovemusic33 · 23/09/2017 08:46

Blue I think it's a bit different when it's older teens, they are not going to be looking at hazards in the home like they would be with young children. They just want to check that OP is doing all she can to safe guard them from having contact with the family member in question. Nothing to worry about unless OP has something to hide?

I was told by a police officer that SS may visit me after I was involved with someone who assaulted me, I would have been happy to speak to them and assure them that this person would never be stepping foot in my house again. I'm a good parent and I have nothing to hide, I would do everything to protect my kids and SS would be able to see that if they visited. I don't understand why OP isn't cooperating.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 23/09/2017 08:49

You don't have to have a meeting but it sounds like there might be information to be shared with you that could help you keep your child(ren) safe.
So I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to do that
But then people surprise me every day.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 23/09/2017 08:52

Also, the Police may well no longer be involved in a case as there's insufficient evidence to support a criminal prosecution, whereas Social Services do not require a case to be "criminal" to become involved, they are interested in protecting children.

RestlessTraveller · 23/09/2017 08:55

Bluelonerose I can understand that just like every profession there are people who are good and bad at it. Please can you afford me the same courtesy and not tar every social worker with the same brush.

I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience but I don't feel like your comments are particularly helpful.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 23/09/2017 08:58

To be honest your attitude would make me increasingly concerned that you were protecting the perpetrator in your family.

This.

cricketballs · 23/09/2017 09:04

I don't want them in my house, poking around as I previously said we have had to have recent contact with SS; cue racing home from work - polishing with hoover in hand, kitchen cleaned like never before......she never moved off the sofa!

OP - yes you will hear some horror stories, although when you dig deeper into those stories quite often it's not as initially reported; but their remit is to ensure everyone is safe

Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 09:05

The relative with the CPO has some contact with your children.
Yet you haven't told them - despite them being old enough to "fight for their country" what has happened.
The legal system obviously considers the type of crime a potential risk factor to your children, if the standard process is a SS referral. Yet you haven't even told them.

Bluelonerose · 23/09/2017 09:18

I'm not trying to offend anyone apologies if that is how it came across all I was doing was giving advice as to how it was from my pov.
I completly agree their are sw out there who would love heaven and earth to help but as you don't know anything about the sw you are assigned I would err on the side of caution and take notes.