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AIBU?

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Original poster

posted for traffic...can I refuse a SS meeting?

431 replies

ssquestion · 22/09/2017 09:11

The circumstances are quite sensitive and identifying so this may be a bit vague.

I've been contacted by SS who want a meeting with me about my DC (over 16 but under 18).

My view is DC are over 16, not at school, not children and therefore don't need child protection. They are suggesting a meeting with me and then me and DC.

Can I refuse? Apart from anything else, I have no annual leave left til Xmas, so if I did meet them I'd be losing a days pay, which isn't great.

OP posts:
HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 22/09/2017 09:49

Also a bit of a drip feed to go from "he's 16 and so does not need child protection" to "it's about a family member being involved with the police which my child is not at all aware of or involved with"

highandmightyfine · 22/09/2017 09:49

TL;DR - I understand your reluctance but think you should meet with them, with a few safeguards in place for yourself in case you're concerned about being misunderstood.

CosmicPineapple · 22/09/2017 09:50

ssquestion

I wonder if ss will find your reluctance worrying?
On the 1 hand you say DC is nearly an adult so ss should not bother. Yet on the other you seem to want to "protect" DC from ss like they are too scarey to deal with Confused

Birdsgottafly · 22/09/2017 09:51

If your children need Safeguarding from the family member, especially if it is a sexual offence, then they need to see that you, as their Carer can provide that.

They also need to make sure that they can protect themselves.

Better a meeting than an incident.

HeartburnCentral · 22/09/2017 09:51

If you refuse to meet SS they may think you have something to hide or are covering up something. Your DC are minors in the eyes of the law. You don't stop being a parent just because your dc turn 18. Most parents would appreciate the support if their dc need help with some aspect of their life. Explain your situation and ask for a meeting after your work hours or day off.

corythatwas · 22/09/2017 09:55

If it is about sexual exploitation- can you be absolutely sure that your dc know nothing? If you've never even talked to them about it, how can you be sure? And if this is a person they may meet again, why on earth would you not want them to be warned?

FlyingElbows · 22/09/2017 09:55

Op do yourself a massive favour and humour them. What you're not saying suggests a serious background issue. If you refuse to see them you'll achieve nothing but raising suspicion. If you engage with them and have nothing to hide then they'll talk to you and go. Yes the idea of having to see them is scary and a bit embarassing and you're naturally defensive but honestly it's in all of your interests to just have that meeting. Fgs don't give them the "my work's more important" line even though what you're saying is totally understandable. Just get it done and then you can move on.

Peanutbuttercheese · 22/09/2017 09:55

If your child has ever had contact with this family member then absolutely they need to know what's going on. Families that try and hide things well it's very unhealthy.

FuckingBUTTERbeans · 22/09/2017 09:57

Obviously I don't know the details, but if it involves a family member, and they are checking that nothing happened to your DC at the hands of this family member, they are not just looking to protect your DC, but also see how much of a risk the family member could be to others. If this is the case then please feel free to PM me as I have some experience of this which I don't want to post.

corythatwas · 22/09/2017 09:59

The two "butter" posters make very good points. Listen to them.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 22/09/2017 10:00

If you have nothing to hide then refusing a meeting will seem like you have.
Without telling us what has happened (not that I expect you to) then the answer can only be that you should be as cooperative as you can. Speak to them. See if you can arrange it for a time outside of 9-5. If SS is not with you then they will probably be more willing to arrange a time easy for you. Have your meeting and ask if a meeting with your DC will be necessary

Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 10:00

If my DC were living away from home (which several of their peers are, in the armed forces/performing arts college/ sports apprenticeships) SS would not be involved, full stop. They have told me this. It's only because they are still under my roof.

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 22/09/2017 10:02

I refused a "team around child" meeting with ss and it wasn't taken any further (case was closed) please speak to the family rights group. You can discuss the matter in confidence and they will give you proper advice.

Original poster
ssquestion · 22/09/2017 10:05

The family member has already been to court, given a CPO, this was a short time ago. The police have never spoken to me, other than to tell me they were obliged to make the SS referral but there was nothing to worry about (irony!).

I do feel like I am obliged to meet with them. But I then don't want to be stuck going further down the rabbit hole with no way out.

OP posts:
Purplemeddler · 22/09/2017 10:05

*Why isn't your child being educated still?

Police involved. SS now involved. Are you being the best role model you could be in helping to build life skills for a happy successful life for your child(ren?)

Your post comes across as you just don't care to me. Sorry if you feel that's a harsh comment but maybe that's what the police and SS have also thought*

Did the writer of this comment actually read the thread? Do go away if you can't be helpful.

Mittens1969 · 22/09/2017 10:05

You should talk to them, find out what time is mutually convenient. If they want you to attend they will arrange a time when you can get there. We've had dealings with SS and my DH needed to be there so they have been prepared to accommodate him.

If you don't meet them halfway then they will have the meeting without you there as has been said and you won't know what their concerns are.

corythatwas · 22/09/2017 10:06

If you dc were living away from home, presumably they would not have been in contact with this family member?
If they were living from home, other people would be considered in loco parentis and the matter would be dealt with by designated professionals in the armed forces/arts college whatever. But as they are not in the armed forces, it is SS who do that job.

I still don't get it: SS consider that there is a possibility either that your dc have been exposed to harm themselves or may have information that could protect somebody else from harm. You are the parent, the person who are supposed to care most about their welfare, why wouldn't you want to be involved at this stage?

Ttbb · 22/09/2017 10:07

Can't you explain the problem to them and try to find a time that works for you?

Lovemusic33 · 22/09/2017 10:07

What are you worried about? If there are no concerns and you have nothing to hide then I don't see why your worried about a short visit from SS?

corythatwas · 22/09/2017 10:08

"But I then don't want to be stuck going further down the rabbit hole with no way out."

What rabbit hole would that be? Establishing that they have not been exposed to anything harmful and have no information to give beyond what they have already given so the matter can be closed?

Or finding out that something has happened that has troubled them and support can be offered?

Which of these is a rabbit hole?

summerlightorangeyred · 22/09/2017 10:10

A member of my family is a SW but otherwise I have no direct experience but if it were me I would meet with them, outside work hours if possible, and say exactly what you have said here - that dc don't know about what happened, that you would rather keep it that way and not unsettle them, how they are generally, details of their college etc, that you are concerned that if a SW talks to them it will upset them (I can see where you are coming from there) and if they are still concerned suggest they talk to someone else who can vouch that dc are ok. I think 16 - 18 is a vulnerable time so that explains why they contacted you. However, they may not realise yet that the dc don't know about what happened.

MargaretTwatyer · 22/09/2017 10:10

So a family member is accused of child abuse? If that's correct then in all likelihood it will be a quick meeting with them. SS will say 'has this person abused you', they say no and it's all over and done with.

If you refuse the meeting it may well look like you have something to hide. Also if an accusation has been made against a family member and there is concern your children may have been at risk from them then shouldn't you be asking the question yourself rather than hushing it all up?

Or don't you believe the allegation?

Natsku · 22/09/2017 10:11

I strongly advise you to attend the meeting, they must have some concerns if they want a meeting despite the police thinking it'd be unlikely they'd contact you so they may have some information the police don't have.

YANBU though to not want to miss a day of work - explain to them that you cannot take time off work so the meeting needs to take place outside of your work hours.

kateandme · 22/09/2017 10:13

are they involved in the issue surrounding the culprit/victim
do they no anything of it
could they have info the ss need to charge/help culprit/v
could they have said something to sss that means they might put your dc in danger hence the now contact.
I don't understand the problems that have started this so I'm finding it reallyhard to advise at all because there is two sides to come from being if your victim or possible suspects to something that occurred.

MrsMHasIt · 22/09/2017 10:15

I would recommend that you be very willing to meet with them within the scope of your free time. Do not miss work over this, they have requested the meeting and so they must accommodate you, surely?

Reply with all possible options and insist that the initial meeting without your children is outside of your home as you do not want to have to explain their reason for being there prematurely.

Be extremely courteous. Also, meeting the first time doesn't mean you must meet the second time with your children but it will give you a better idea of how things stand.

I agree that to refuse out-and-out may cause a 'red flag'. I don't know the exact reasons for this request and understand you can't give great detail, but if as wanted to speak to me about my children I would want to hear what they say.