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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DHs attitude to sex normal?

105 replies

Zhan · 13/05/2017 05:31

I'd say we have sex these days around once a week - if I initiate it. DH uses a variety of excuses from:
"I'm tired"
"The bed is too noisy"
"I've had too much to drink"
"I feel rough from last night"
"I don't feel too good"
"The kids (late teens) will hear us"
"We have too much to do"

Etc etc. Like I say, mid week he's too tired, Friday / Saturday night he's drank too much, Saturday / Sunday morning he's too hung over - in the odd occasion that the kids are out and we have house to ourselves "we have too much to do".

We've just been away to Paris for our first anniversary - he wasn't interested there either. We were there a week, had sex twice - both times I had to initiate and almost press the issue.

Today is my birthday. Wevsaid last night we'd have a lie in together as he's going on a stag night later and will be hammered when he gets in. Well he got up at 4.30am this morning so that will be a no no for the rest of the weekend with hangovers etc.

AIBU?? If I am, I'd like to know so I can stop obsessing over it as I'm really taking it personally. Been married year and 10 year age gap (he's 46, I'm 36).

OP posts:
TizzyDongue · 13/05/2017 05:53

Do you have sex? Is it just when he chooses?

I was going to say that some of those comments are too unusual, if said now and again and not always. But with reading you whole OP then overall it doesn't seem normal or healthy in the slightest.

Does he drink a lot? Or when he has a drink is he unable to sensibly limit himself?

TizzyDongue · 13/05/2017 05:54

*aren't too unusual if said occasionally

GnomeDePlume · 13/05/2017 05:56

Has it always been like this or is this a recent thing?

Have you tried instigating a conversation with your DH away from a time/place when sex is on the agenda?

Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 05:58

Very rarely have sex now. Even when I try to initiate he'll just lay there - let me carry on for a bit and then say "I'm going to make a coffee, do you want one?" 😲🤔
He drinks to excess every Friday and Saturday night (sometimes Thursday night too).

OP posts:
Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 05:59

Yes I've tried talking to him about it and he says I'm exaggerating and there isn't a problem - he also says he instigates sex "all the time" but he really doesn't! I can't even remember the last time he did.

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 13/05/2017 05:59

I'd say a trip to the doctors is needed..I expect the drink kills the erecting,and makes it hard to get hard..I think they can have middle age problems,men ,can.

Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:01

He has no erection problems. He gets an errction as soon as I start touching him - just he can't be arsed to do anything with it. He can be laid there with a raging hard on, both naked, no kids in the house - and he'll say he's off to make a coffee

OP posts:
MyFavouriteName · 13/05/2017 06:03

It just sounds like he doesn't want as much sex as you to me. Maybe once a week is more than enough for him. Is there another reason you are concerned?

TheStoic · 13/05/2017 06:04

Has the lack of interest been sudden or gradual? Or is it the same as at the start of your relationship?

MyFavouriteName · 13/05/2017 06:06

Oh, massive cross post. Sorry. You said in OP you have sex once a week but then say rarely so I'm not sure which it is but it does sound like he is avoiding sex for some reason, whatever that may be.

Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:06

It's been gradual but is getting worse as the time goes on. At the very beginning of the relationship he couldn't get enough and over time it has just deteriorated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:07

It probably is around once a week normally but if I don't instigate, it can be less.

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 13/05/2017 06:08

Hormones lack of...trip to the doctors

Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:10

He won't go to doctors as he doesn't think there is a problem.

However, seeing your husband reluctantly shag you out of nothing more than a feeling of duty is becoming a big problem to me Sad

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 13/05/2017 06:10

Although my dh is in his mid 40s.and we don't have more sex than once a week..sometimes not even that...I'm not dragging him of to the gp....huummm..I think mis matched sex drive..one of my friends has this huge vibrator she swears by..not my cup of tea..but it might help

EezerGoode · 13/05/2017 06:13

Is he happy and enthusiastic to make love once a week? Or is he not really wanting that?or is it every time he dosnt want to...or just he's keen once a week ,but any more is to much?

splendide · 13/05/2017 06:13

I would say once a week is well within "normal". Although it's sounds like you think he'd be happier if it were less.

talllikejerryhall · 13/05/2017 06:14

That is sucky, in so far as it's horrible being rejected. If he wasn't getting hard ons, I'd wonder whether there was a libido issue but given that there, it rubs salt in the wound. I think a serious heart to heart is required, in order to decide if the physical side of your relationship if something he is serious about.

Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:16

He would be happy with less. The once a week is reliant on me instigating.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteName · 13/05/2017 06:19

I'm not sure why others are saying a hormonal problem. I still stand by my original comment that he wants less sex than you. Once a week isn't a low level of sex. If you were to wait until he instigates it, how long would it be? Or would he never?

Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:20

I tried not instigating once - 3 weeks went by and if I hadn't broken my pledge, it would never have happened

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 13/05/2017 06:33

No one should feel obliged to have sex if they dont want to. That he is getting physically aroused but not emotionally makes this sound like a relationship problem not a physical one.

What are other areas of your relationship like? How long have you been together?

allegretto · 13/05/2017 06:40

I dont think once a week is a problem in itself , it's more his general attitude. How is he out of bed? Affectionate? Does he like spending time with you?

Fairylea · 13/05/2017 06:40

How is his health generally? I'd say at 46 a lot of people do lose interest in sex regardless of whatever the media would have people believe. Sex takes a lot of physical effort, it's the equivalent of a small work out and as people approach their 50s a lot of people just don't have the energy for it as much - especially if they want to use their energy for other things, sex often becomes less of a priority.

I am another one that thinks it's a case of mismatched sex drives. I think also the age gap may be coming into it a little - but that's just my own opinion (I am in an age gap marriage myself, I am older).

Original poster
Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:40

Gnome that's my concern. I remember a past relationship where I didn't want to have sex with my partner and it was because I didn't want to be with him. DH swears this isn't the case.

OP posts:
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