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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DHs attitude to sex normal?

105 replies

Zhan · 13/05/2017 05:31

I'd say we have sex these days around once a week - if I initiate it. DH uses a variety of excuses from:
"I'm tired"
"The bed is too noisy"
"I've had too much to drink"
"I feel rough from last night"
"I don't feel too good"
"The kids (late teens) will hear us"
"We have too much to do"

Etc etc. Like I say, mid week he's too tired, Friday / Saturday night he's drank too much, Saturday / Sunday morning he's too hung over - in the odd occasion that the kids are out and we have house to ourselves "we have too much to do".

We've just been away to Paris for our first anniversary - he wasn't interested there either. We were there a week, had sex twice - both times I had to initiate and almost press the issue.

Today is my birthday. Wevsaid last night we'd have a lie in together as he's going on a stag night later and will be hammered when he gets in. Well he got up at 4.30am this morning so that will be a no no for the rest of the weekend with hangovers etc.

AIBU?? If I am, I'd like to know so I can stop obsessing over it as I'm really taking it personally. Been married year and 10 year age gap (he's 46, I'm 36).

OP posts:
purplecoathanger · 13/05/2017 07:44

Too much booze.

Westray · 13/05/2017 07:48

How is your relationship apart from sex OP?

Your OH is going out on a stag night on your birthday.
Most of us would feel a bit let down by that.
Do you and your OH generally have a good relationship?

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 07:50

Her relationship is so poor that she is considering divorce. She has posted several times about him and received the same advice every time.

TheNaze73 · 13/05/2017 07:57

Does he have different sex likes you've not discovered?

Westray · 13/05/2017 08:01

Surely the relationship needs fixing before the sex will be good- or am I missing something?

MargotMoon · 13/05/2017 08:04

I was married for 10 years to a man who didn't want to have sex. It fucked up my self esteem big time. He refused to acknowledge it was a problem. Eventually caught him at it with another woman Sad.

Don't let this be you OP. I'm not sure what advice to give on how to deal with it, I wish I had some.

Itsmekathy · 13/05/2017 08:09

Your op says you just celebrated your first anniversary. In which case presumably you knew he had a lower sex drive than you. From what you say it sounds like age gap, far too much alcohol, laziness and low libido.

Why is he drinking so much at home that he has a hangover the next day? I can't see why you would want sex with him. I bet he stinks. Add to that what other posters seem to know about your relationship he sounds awful.

April229 · 13/05/2017 08:25

OP I really feel for you, I've been in the same position and the thought of spending the rest of my life nearly celebrate made me so sad. No advise, but is it worth laying it on the line a bit, say you sex life is not meeting you needs and you'd like to talk about it, maybe have counselling? Even if that's a no from him it will underline that it's serious from your point of view.

Ceto · 13/05/2017 08:30

He does seem to have a closer relationship with alcohol than anything else. If he's willing to address that, it would help. If he isn't, I'm afraid it speaks volumes.

April229 · 13/05/2017 08:34

I also think it's a bit selfish, if my dp was in the mood and I wasn't it would at least do something to sort him out. I think if you make an agreement to be monogamous you can't then, a few years down the line refuse any kind of sex. Most people have a sex drive, it's an important part of a relationship, it's unreasonable to expect your partner to have a lifetime of hardly any sex without it causing a problem, taking care of each other's sexual needs (within reason!) is sort of part of the deal unless you've agreed that you have an open relationship where you can go outside the relationship for what you need.

limon · 13/05/2017 08:36

Once a week is pretty good going IMHO. I just don't think he wants sex as much as you do. Nagging for sex is a killer.

kittybiscuits · 13/05/2017 08:44

He doesn't have a libido problem. He doesn't want to have sex with OP and was the same with his previous partner. It's very hard to live like this OP. I would get some support for yourself and think about your options because there is no indication he wants to do anything about this.

RimJob · 13/05/2017 08:46

It doesn't sound like frequency is the issue for you OP, it's more his lack of interest and just laying there. I would hate this too. Me and DP probably average once a week as we have young kids, but when we do do it, there is plenty of enthusiasm from both sides and lots of affection and touching inbetween times. I would feel really unwanted in your case. The bottom line is you're not happy with this and need to have a serious chat, and possibly look at your future together if he's not willing to see a doctor.

RimJob · 13/05/2017 08:48

And yes it sounds like he's getting drunk a lot, being hungover two days a weekend.

MyFavouriteName · 13/05/2017 08:52

If you have relationship issues aside from a lack of sex then you need to sort them out first. This doesn't sound like the issue, just a symptom.

DeeDooDee · 13/05/2017 08:55

I've posted on some of your previous threads. You post a lot asking the same type of things. I don't understand why you stay with him. You don't sound like you like him and that's understandable as he sounds unpleasant. It's just not working. It also sound like you both drink too much which is generally bad for relationships.

I'd suggest you and your kids leave. I also suggest you stop smoking (for your cold) and stop drinking. You are only 36 but this relationship sound so dreary and draining. What's the point 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with me. I don't think it's anything to do with the age gap. I think it's because the relationship isn't any good.

Time to cut your loses and leave. ???

Ps... happy birthday SmileCakeBrew(no wine!)

user0000000001 · 13/05/2017 09:03

3 weeks?

That's really not that long OP.

There is nothing less sexy than feeling like you are being put under pressure for sex.

Try backing off... not mentioning it, hinting, initiating, nothing and stick to it for as long as it takes. Take the pressure completely off him.

DevilsDumplings · 13/05/2017 09:04

Mixed matched libedos can be a deal breaker for some people. Once a week is ok if both people are happy with that arrangement.

In my own relationship we can go months without dtd, then it becomes more frequent. It ebbs and flows. However, we are both content to go with the flow. We do share affection, intimacy and connectedness on other levels though.

You need to ask yourself if you would be happy long term to go without sex for weeks at a time. Do you share affection, intimacy and connectedness in other ways?

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 09:08

thank you WhatAlOadOfOldBollocks

I was thinking about doing that, because this thread is full of people wasting their time mentioning sexual positions, libido etc.

DevilsDumplings · 13/05/2017 09:25

Wow Whataloadofbollocks I didn't realise. How did you like them Blush

OP is there someone in real life who could support you in the changes you evidently need to make? It seems you are stuck.

You have two choices. Stay and shut up. Or leave. He isn't going to change!

DevilsDumplings · 13/05/2017 09:26

Link* not like. Silly spell checker Blush

happypoobum · 13/05/2017 09:41

I suggest posters read through a few of OPs previous threads before commenting. Zhan posts about her appalling cockwomble of a DH about once a week.

Everyone says he's an arsehole, LTB. Next week, new story, more fuckwittery.

Bollocks has already linked above.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/05/2017 09:46

To me that sounds quite frequent. DH and I are often too tired for sex and I think the last time we did it was a few weeks ago. We talk about it earlier in the day quite a lot and have every intention of doing it but then when we get to bed are too knackered. We always joke that it's our version of oral, talking about it! Tbh we do oral or other forms of foreplay much more frequently. I am on meds that have killed my sex drive though and DH has arthritis that makes it painful, so we arrived probably not the best example of normalcy.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 09:50

People really don't RTFT...