Is DHs attitude to sex normal?

[Zhan]

I'd say we have sex these days around once a week - if I initiate it. DH uses a variety of excuses from:
"I'm tired"
"The bed is too noisy"
"I've had too much to drink"
"I feel rough from last night"
"I don't feel too good"
"The kids (late teens) will hear us"
"We have too much to do"

Etc etc. Like I say, mid week he's too tired, Friday / Saturday night he's drank too much, Saturday / Sunday morning he's too hung over - in the odd occasion that the kids are out and we have house to ourselves "we have too much to do".

We've just been away to Paris for our first anniversary - he wasn't interested there either. We were there a week, had sex twice - both times I had to initiate and almost press the issue.

Today is my birthday. Wevsaid last night we'd have a lie in together as he's going on a stag night later and will be hammered when he gets in. Well he got up at 4.30am this morning so that will be a no no for the rest of the weekend with hangovers etc.

AIBU?? If I am, I'd like to know so I can stop obsessing over it as I'm really taking it personally. Been married year and 10 year age gap (he's 46, I'm 36).

They not only don't read the thread, they don't even read the OP.

How did you link them
I'm on my laptop which probably makes it easier than on a mobile, but I follow the instructions at the bottom of the page, next to the list of smilies. You just use a combination of square brackets and the URL or text.

Why are you living this miserable life with him? Leave, be happy again without someone dragging you down.

I use a lot of those excuses because they are how I feel. Sex often feels like too much effort and since DS was born I don't get much of the warm afterglow that I can still dimly remember so doesn't seem worth it too often really . I would say I am quite depressed. Also when DH and I have gone for weekends away in the past we do have more sex and I definitely initiate and enjoy it more. I think for me real life stuff just gets in the way and I don't find sex a particularly good stress reliever nowadays.

Just saw the list of previous threads, remember one or two of them. OP, you are both unhappy and don't like each other, just cut your losses for both of you.

OP do yourself a favour and book an appointment with a divorce lawyer. With that many issues in your marriage, you're flogging a dead horse and deserve better.

How is your relationship in general?? Are you still effectionate towards each other?? Do you still fancy each other??

he's withdrawing intimacy as he did in last marriage because it's the only way he knows to show he doesn't want to be there.

he's not being honest. i think there needs to be a massive box opening here. either you get to the bottom and fix issues or accept it's over

Sex takes a lot of physical effort, it's the equivalent of a small work out and as people approach their 50s a lot of people just don't have the energy for it as much

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Do people under 40 really believe this??

That's totally ridiculous.

Me (47) and DH (44) have a great sex life. Both have very active jobs. Work out at the gym. Walk for miles every day.

Good for you Husky, DH and I are in our 50s and I would say there is some truth in the PP's comment. Menopause, medication, all can impact libido for men and women.

However, in the OP's situation I don't think that is the problem. It sounds to me like he doesn't want a real person as his life partner. He just wants a theoretical wife. Possibly he feels that being married gives him some sort of respectability.

Dickory

Are you joking? It's 2 pages. Two pages to read.

I'd recommend talking to him about it. With your clothes on. Set an evening, and hash it out. Tell him how your feeling without blaming. And ask why he isn't into it anymore.

For me personally, being pressured into sex, or badgered for it makes me want it less. Maybe you just have a higher sex drive than he does know. And you may need to decide if its a deal breaker.

My advice is spend less time posting on MN and more time sorting out a divorce solicitor.

My advice is spend less time posting on MN and more time sorting out a divorce solicitor.

Based on your previous posts OP, I don't think anything will change, anytime soon. I agree with 2cats2many's first paragraph.
You are a young woman, maybe it's time to call it a day.
His previous divorce papers stipulate as much.
This doesn't make fir a happy marriage, but it isn't for your want of trying. 💐

Looking at your other threads, I struggle to understand why you want to sleep with your husband. I would find him a complete turn-off.

You've been posting about this guy for years under various names and were advised not to marry him. He is abusive, sulky, treats your kids like crap, abused his ex wife, and now it turns out he is crap in bed too. Why on earth are you still there?

How many times do you have to be told to leave the bastard?

Has he worn you down so much that you can't see you'd be better off without him?

He doesn't want sex, stop nagging him! Pressuring someone to have sex is wrong, you said yourself some times you have to really press the issue to get him to have sex with you, including on your anniversary weekend away. In my opinion what you are doing is abuse, you're pressurising, potentially even forcing, someone into having sex they do not want.

Just because he wanted lots of sex at the start of your relationship, doesn't mean he has to be like that for the entire relationship. He is allowed to not want sex without it being a medical problem also! Maybe his sex drive has just naturally declined and he no longer cares about having sex. You say he can get erections so it isn't a can't issue, it's a won't issue. Maybe he isn't comfortable or happy in the relationship anymore, he doesn't feel emotionally connected to you anymore so doesn't want to sleep with you. Maybe he no longer finds you attractive.
Or he could be completely content or happy with the relationship but just has outgrown sex. His desire might come back, or it might be gone for good. It isn't a problem for him that he isn't having sex, but if you can't be happy in a sexless relationship, then it has probably run its course.
Regardless, you need to stop pressuring him into sleeping with you.

Yes. Why don't you try and guess what's wrong with him. Because he's not enough of a person to admit it and take responsibility for his problem with intimacy

Zhan sorry you are having this difficult time. I have no words of advice except that as a woman I have gone off sex at times and feel it to be a chore etc. I still love my husband a lot. I would say we still do it at least once a week, sometimes two times and are both in our early 50s.

I think if my husband had ever said it was a problem I would have addressed it. Fortunately for me I started having sex a bit more and liked it a bit more. I think it is easy to get into the habit of not having sex (for some of us).

I do think it sounds like he has a problem with drink, not necessarily alcoholic etc but he has certain days he wants to drink and drinks to excess, I am sure I did too but it was when I was a student aged about 22, not a 40 something!

I think he needs to address this.

Do you think he could be gay, having an affair, experiencing pain when having sex?

Good luck finding out what is going on and getting the right help/solution.

And, I do not think it is you.

It sounds normal for him, but nt particularly good for your relationship.

If you were the one wanting less sex and he was trying to persuade you t try different positions, I'm sure you'd soon become sick and tired of the whole relationship.

A boob job won't persuade him to sleep with you, either, since you mentioned that, this week.

Sex is exciting in a new relationship. Its a little dull and not worth the effort in a long term relationship. This is a rather taboo subject that most refuse to admit to

Looks like I missed out some pages, thought I had seen more! I was going to say he may be depressed but see you have more issues to deal with.