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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DHs attitude to sex normal?

105 replies

Zhan · 13/05/2017 05:31

I'd say we have sex these days around once a week - if I initiate it. DH uses a variety of excuses from:
"I'm tired"
"The bed is too noisy"
"I've had too much to drink"
"I feel rough from last night"
"I don't feel too good"
"The kids (late teens) will hear us"
"We have too much to do"

Etc etc. Like I say, mid week he's too tired, Friday / Saturday night he's drank too much, Saturday / Sunday morning he's too hung over - in the odd occasion that the kids are out and we have house to ourselves "we have too much to do".

We've just been away to Paris for our first anniversary - he wasn't interested there either. We were there a week, had sex twice - both times I had to initiate and almost press the issue.

Today is my birthday. Wevsaid last night we'd have a lie in together as he's going on a stag night later and will be hammered when he gets in. Well he got up at 4.30am this morning so that will be a no no for the rest of the weekend with hangovers etc.

AIBU?? If I am, I'd like to know so I can stop obsessing over it as I'm really taking it personally. Been married year and 10 year age gap (he's 46, I'm 36).

OP posts:

allegretto · 13/05/2017 06:41

Also it sounds like the alcohol is a problem as it's affectung both your lives. Does he see it as a problem? Has he always drunk too much? Could he be depressed?

coconuttella · 13/05/2017 06:43

Once per week is probably more frequent than average for a relationship after 20+ years. I'm sure if it was a man on here, he'd be castigated for hounding his wife for sex! But there's clearly a problem if he never initiates or really shows interest... I get your frustration. What does he say?

Sparklyglitter · 13/05/2017 06:44

Very sorry to say this...could he possibly be having an affair? Or be gay? Sorry not what you want to hear. It just doesn't sound like it's a physical issue and does sound like he drinks too much if he's having hangovers every weekend. My Dad was behaving strangely towards my mum when I was a teen, she kept asking him if he was having an affair (I found out later) he vehemently denied it. She followed him one night and found him with someone else knocked on the door walked in and he was in this ladies bed!

NoSandPlease · 13/05/2017 06:46

I think you're wrong to put pressure on him.

Once a week (or once a fortnight) is quite normal if one partner has a lower sex drive.

Maybe he's tired/stressed/doesn't fancy you/is bored with the type of sex you're having. Maybe he just has a low sex drive and would be happy with once a month. You can't force someone to feel sexual desire if it's not happening naturally. What do you do to make sex interesting and exciting?

GnomeDePlume · 13/05/2017 06:46

Are you both physically affectionate in other ways? Do you kiss, cuddle, hold hands, touch each other in affectionate but non-sexual ways?

DH and I are in our early 50s. Libido for both of us has declined a bit but I would say that physically we are as close as ever.

Original poster

Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:47

I think there is more chance of him being gay than having an affair. Saying that though he was married (to a woman) for 18 years before we met although he did tell me they didn't have sex for almost a year before they split. In the divorce papers she mentions him withdrawing intimacy. God knows. I just know I don't want a life of celibacy in my 40s

OP posts:

Original poster

Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:50

I have suggested different positions, ask him to get in the shower with me, have suggested bum sex (!!!) have suggested we experiment with toys/condoms etc but he interested in any of that. When we do have sex he's only up for "normal" sex - missionary style. I know it's not nice to be nagged for sex which is why I'm on here asking if it's me that is being a pain in the arse 🙂

OP posts:

Beebeeeight · 13/05/2017 06:53

Why didn't they have sex?

Wando1986 · 13/05/2017 06:55

Stop instigating. Focus on you. Be you, fake being happy, do yourself up, see friends, he will want it when he realises what he's missing. If not... after only a year together? Honestly I'd be booting him out.

Original poster

Zhan · 13/05/2017 06:55

He says because the relationship was dead but they were staying together for the kids.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 13/05/2017 06:56

You dont sound well matched at all. Reading between the lines it sounds like he likes the idea of a relationship more than the actuality of it. Going out drinking to excess, no sex sounds like the life of a single person.

It is almost like you are there as a cover story for him.

lydiangel83 · 13/05/2017 06:56

@Zhan I don't think you're being a pain and I think you're within your rights to instigate but it does seem like an honest convo is needed about differences in sex drive. Once a week sounds frequent to me, we are more like once a month and been married 2 years same age (mid 30s). I think everyone is different :)

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 07:03

You are the poster whose husband wouldn't help with your hobby, aren't you?

This is probably about the relationship, not sex

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 07:06

You've posted several other threads complaining about how he is, and how he is towards you.

I'd post in Relationships

ForalltheSaints · 13/05/2017 07:07

I think the drink may be a factor given his age.

Original poster

Zhan · 13/05/2017 07:08

He doesn't normally go out drinking, he drinks in the house. Today is a rare night out as it's a stag night.

OP posts:

Voiceofsomeone · 13/05/2017 07:13

At 46 myself I can say my sex drive hasn't diminished at all , and we have a very good sex life generally , If my wife takes the lead I dont think I have ever said --- I am too tired etc. He must be bonkers !!!!!

haveacupoftea · 13/05/2017 07:16

Urgh how boring. Does he watch porn?

prettywhiteguitar · 13/05/2017 07:18

Honestly, you're 36, he's 46, it does sound like there could be an age gap issue with how much sex he needs, as I've got older both my husband and I have needed less sex, probably once a week will do us but if we're tired from the kids and work, less.

My feeling is that you need to leave, he's not going to change and you're not happy, quite rightly as you're not getting the intimacy you need. It's not going to get better if he doesn't even need it once a week.

Misty9 · 13/05/2017 07:20

My dh has always had a low.libido and it caused issues at the start of our relationship. I got rejected several times and squashed the feelings down, and now my libido is almost non existent. Don't let it get to that stage :(
We've been married 7 years and have two kids, but have sex a handful of times a year. But it was always like that for us. Given that you say he couldn't get enough at the start, it sounds more like a relationship issue or his mental health. But if he won't even address or discuss it, I'd seriously consider your future together. Especially if you're thinking about having children with him.

Good.luck

Itsmekathy · 13/05/2017 07:23

Did you say you have only been married a year?

2cats2many · 13/05/2017 07:23

That's so shit OP. It's like a drip, drip, drip affect on your self confidence. I've been there myself and found it so painful. I used to read threads on here from women complaining that their partners pestered them for sex all the time and feel so jealous.

The root of our problem was a problem with the DHs shoulder which meant that he basically didn't sleep properly for about 5 years. He had an operation (after me insisting that if he didn't go to the doctor it was over between us) and everything changed.

Do you think there may be some kind of underlying physical problem with your DH?

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 07:25

Itsme

2 years

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 13/05/2017 07:28

Your dh was the one who sneezed on you

Dozer · 13/05/2017 07:33

Sex / relationship issues aside, sounds like he has a drink problem.

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