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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming at ex-ILs??

121 replies

DianaMitford · 17/04/2017 21:59

I really don't know why I'm surprised. They have a history of being completely disrespectful.

Anyway, ex DH and I separated four years ago so I haven't seen them for a while. In the last six months ex FIL has had two small strokes. He was unaware of where he was and why he was there when they each happened. After the first the medics weren't too concerned but after the second it became clear that this might be an ongoing issue. Unsurprisingly he has not been allowed to drive. I made it clear to ex dh that our dd(9) was not to be in a car driven by ex FIL as I suspected he was still driving. I was assured not.

Dd has just returned home and told me that her gps stopped in the road and swapped drivers once they were out of sight of family. Ex Dh to be fair didn't know about this but I am still furious. There is no reason why ex MIL can't drive, it will just be ex FIL deciding that he wants to so he's bloody well going to do it.

I can't let her go and stay there again can I? Seeing as they take absolutely no bloody notice of what her parents say??

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2017 22:01

Can you contact the DVLA?

Rossigigi · 17/04/2017 22:01

You are not being unreasonable stopping the visits

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2017 22:02

Yanbu at all btw

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/04/2017 22:03

Good lord you're well within your rights to refuse to allow her in a car with your IL's ever again after this. If they get shitty with you, let them. If they ask why, tell them the truth that if they loved your DD their primary focus would be to keep her as safe as possible.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 17/04/2017 22:07

Not only are you within your rights, it could be argued that you're negligent if you know this and still let dd in a car with them. There's no excuse whatsoever for FiL to be driving.

ChasedByBees · 17/04/2017 22:09

I would not let her stay no. They won't take measures to keep her safe.

KC225 · 17/04/2017 22:10

I would be furious. That is so irresponsible.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 17/04/2017 22:11

Can you clarify if he has a licence or not?

QuackDuckQuack · 17/04/2017 22:11

Can you report your FIL to the police? Whilst they probably won't take action, they may be willing to speak to him.

nicenewone1 · 17/04/2017 22:13

Anonymous call to dvla. Or there's a section on the website to report anyone who is driving dangerously etc. He should have surrendered his licence too, so is also driving without a license.

MrsTwix · 17/04/2017 22:14

Have you told exDH?

If you can trust him to take her and not ever let her in a car with either of them then maybe I'd allow very limited contact with Grandparents.

If he is in denial then it has to stop unless you are willing to take her there and stay with her, which I assume wouldn't be top of your list of things to do.

TiredCluelessMummy · 17/04/2017 22:14

What a pair of deceitful, negligent fuckwits they are. Obviously they cannot be trusted.

Unfortunately you are somewhat at the mercy of your exH since I assume DD sees her GPs during his contact time? If so, be careful how you approach this. You need him on side and completely in agreement because it will be him who is actually enforcing this. Hopefully he will put the safety of his DD first and foremost, and will be very willing to stop DD's solo visits with his DPs.

user1471558436 · 17/04/2017 22:15

Yes I'd report him to the DVLA. And tell your ex. And tell your IL's that they clearly can't be trusted to look after DC.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 17/04/2017 22:15

I would perhaps let ex handle his own parents initially. After all it is his DD too and he genuinely might not be aware. If he doesnt deal with it then you can be strict.

But perhaps a call to DVLA after a little while - to see if exFIL driving can be picked up on traffic cameras.

MrsTwix · 17/04/2017 22:16

Staying over on her own, definitely not.

Funnyfarmer · 17/04/2017 22:16

Yabnu. If they want to see her in future they come to you? What does ex dh say?
Who exactly was she visiting gp's or ex dh?

Original poster
DianaMitford · 17/04/2017 22:16

I had no knowledge whatsoever. She was on holiday with ex DH where her GPs live. I told him to make sure she wasn't driven by him and he assured me it wouldn't happen. I don't think it's ex DH who is at fault, he was as unaware as I was. They were sneaky enough to try and hide it from everyone because they knew we wouldn't let them drive dd. For context - she was staying with gps while ex dh and his gf were elsewhere. I wasn't aware of this either.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 17/04/2017 22:18

Where do you live? Don't you have to inform the DVLA and have had no seizures for X months/years before driving again? I don't live in the UK but here you can't drive for a year post-stroke. I'd be livid!

Allthewaves · 17/04/2017 22:19

Have you spoken to ex

Seeingadistance · 17/04/2017 22:19

I'd report to Police and DVLA, let the exH know and refuse to let your DD anywhere near grandparents and their car again.

Religionorno · 17/04/2017 22:19

Phone the DVLA. My bil did when his mum kept fainting. He then sold her car. Vicious, but the only way to ensure she didn't potentially kill someone.

PurpleWithRed · 17/04/2017 22:20

Report to police on 101 if he's had his licence withdrawn already, to the dvla if he hasn't had it withdrawn yet. Making an anonymous report to the dvla is very easy.

GloriousGoosebumps · 17/04/2017 22:25

Your fil is a fool and a dangerous one at that. There's no way I'd allow my child to be driven by someone who has been told they're so unwell they can't drive safely nor would I agree to mil driving since she obviously can't be trusted not to allow fil to drive. They'll obviously make a fuss but tough. Fil should have notified the DVLA and I'd have no problem passing his medical information to them. I'll be generous and assume that the two small strokes have affected his common sense. I'm not sure what your mil's excuse would be...

Original poster
DianaMitford · 17/04/2017 22:27

He had his licence revoked but I don't know how long for.

Luckily ex dh feels exactly the same way I do. I have said that either he speaks to them or I will.

I am definitely going to report him to the dvla. And I'll ring 101 tomorrow to get their advice too.

OP posts:
Yambabe · 17/04/2017 22:27

You need to determine if he's had his licence revoked by the DVLA or just been advised not to drive. If he's lost his licence then he needs reporting to the police (not the DVLA) and preferably by your ex but if he won't do it, by you.

Ex also needs to make it clear that GPs can't be trusted with DD too, even if it does scupper his love life a bit.

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