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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be absolutely fuming at ex-ILs??

121 replies

DianaMitford · 17/04/2017 21:59

I really don't know why I'm surprised. They have a history of being completely disrespectful.

Anyway, ex DH and I separated four years ago so I haven't seen them for a while. In the last six months ex FIL has had two small strokes. He was unaware of where he was and why he was there when they each happened. After the first the medics weren't too concerned but after the second it became clear that this might be an ongoing issue. Unsurprisingly he has not been allowed to drive. I made it clear to ex dh that our dd(9) was not to be in a car driven by ex FIL as I suspected he was still driving. I was assured not.

Dd has just returned home and told me that her gps stopped in the road and swapped drivers once they were out of sight of family. Ex Dh to be fair didn't know about this but I am still furious. There is no reason why ex MIL can't drive, it will just be ex FIL deciding that he wants to so he's bloody well going to do it.

I can't let her go and stay there again can I? Seeing as they take absolutely no bloody notice of what her parents say??

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2017 14:03

I agree with Seeingadistance, deleting their social media contacts with DD may make her feel like SHE is being punished for telling you... and if they can't see her in person, she may want more contact with them online. But YANBU about the driving, they are putting themselves, your DD and quite frankly everyone else on the road at risk and it has to stop. Good luck!

rainbowstardrops · 18/04/2017 14:18

I'd be fuming too!
I wouldn't delete them from DD's social media but I would definitely put a stop to unsupervised visits.

Atenco · 18/04/2017 14:24

Another one who doesn't understand why your dd can't still be in contact with them on social media.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 18/04/2017 14:38

yanbu I would ring 101, they are blatantly breaking the law, ignoring medical advice and your wishes

My df had a seizure last year his first , he was told not to drive for 6 months, with each subsequent seizure the clock resets, he has to go 6 months seizure free

Original poster
DianaMitford · 18/04/2017 14:57

Hmm, interesting.

I know it must seem like an overreaction but honestly, this is the last straw. They have consistently demonstrated their untrustworthy, disrespectful attitude and I don't know how to make them listen.

OP posts:
welovepancakes · 18/04/2017 17:54

Well you can't "make them listen" but you can ensure that they face consequences for their lack of responsibility. Emphasise that you are being guided by the medics. If / when the medics say that he's fit to drive, then that'll be good enough for you (although you may wish to see evidence for yourself)

Original poster
DianaMitford · 18/04/2017 18:12

Well the argument has kicked off. Ex FIL says that he's totally within his rights to drive and that he did nothing wrong. No evidence of this. But it's not really the issue, he's totally ignored our wishes for our child and placed her in a degree of danger. I am 99% certain that he is not allowed to drive.

OP posts:
usernumbernine · 18/04/2017 18:14

Diana you need to report it and so does your ex. But he may have had his licence returned in which case legally the police won't get involved.

That doesn't fix the issue that you and your ex clearly stated FIL wasn't to drive your DD and they did that anyway - but that's for your ex to sort with his parents, really.

welovepancakes · 18/04/2017 18:27

You'll be in a far stronger position if he has been advised not to drive. If medics say he is fit to drive, then who are you to say otherwise? I would ask him to provide medical evidence that he's OK to drive eg let you see copy letter from his GP / consultant

welovepancakes · 18/04/2017 18:28

sorry, didn't mean that to sound so dismissive. yes your views count, but my point is that if medics say he's fit to drive, I don't think you're in a position to contradict that, unless you have additional info which he has not shared with medics

LunaMay · 18/04/2017 18:49

If he did nothing wrong why did they feel the need to be so sneaky, surely it didn't get dark between them leaving and getting out of site of family...

LonginesPrime · 18/04/2017 19:11

YANBU.

However, I agree with PPs about making sure your DD knows she did the right thing in telling you and that it's absolutely not her fault but your PIL if the shit hits the fan.

I also agree that you should wait until you're calm to deal with it for the same reason, as one of the most valuable things that you have right now in keeping your DD safe from harm is the fact she feels able to tell you what's going on when you're not there.

YWNBU to cut unsupervised contact for the moment until you know you can trust them to respect your wishes and be responsible caregivers.

annandale · 18/04/2017 19:23

Well, it's possible for people to be assesssed as OK to drive post stroke - the blanket ban is only for a month in the UK. In which case, why did they swap over when they were out of sight?

Your FIL may feel he is 'within his rights to drive' but what happens to your DD is absolutely your concern. And it's worrying that his go to response was 'his rights' rather than 'Dd's safety' or even 'my driving licence has been restored'. I hope your DH is going to dig further on this.

annandale · 18/04/2017 19:27

I should say that this is a 'live' issue for me as I felt bounced into being driven somewhere with DS by MIL at the weekend. I knew that FIL was starting to worry about her driving, but he just offered to get the car out for her. I thought he must have decided it was OK, but after the journey was over, dh told me that FIL had asked my opinion of her driving - i.e. it was a bloody test run, without FIL in the car but with DS there! I've said to DH that ds is not to be in a car with MIL driving any more, but I don't altogether trust them - FIL in particular used to be ridiculously dismissive of car seats - and he's a doctor Confused I hope you can put your foot down about this.

Lordamighty · 18/04/2017 19:32

A relative of mine has had 3 mini strokes but is now ok to drive. After the last one they were told not to drive for 6 weeks.

seven201 · 18/04/2017 20:11

I'd be so mad. Absolutely can't see your dd unless you or ex-dh are there. I think it's worth contacting the dvla just in case he is driving without permission.

Seeingadistance · 18/04/2017 23:34

Even supposing he does have his driving licence, he should respect your wish not to have him driving your child about.

My elderly father hasn't had his licence revoked, but has been showing increasing signs of dementia for 3 years now, and about a year ago I said to my mother that I would not allow him to drive with my son in the car. He still has his licence, but my mother does all the driving now.

If my father drove my son anywhere, even for the shortest distance, I would be enraged, and I really don't think I would ever let them see him on their own again.

Astro55 · 18/04/2017 23:42

Did you ring the DVLA?

How has your x handle things/how we they left? / so FIL admitted he drove then?

MrsLupo · 18/04/2017 23:51

This is more complicated than being assessed for fitness post-stroke. If he had had a stroke, followed by hospital admission, treatment, rehab etc, it would be one thing to assess him as sufficiently recovered to drive again, but from your OP, that isn't the situation. If he has had more than one mini-stroke, or TIA, plus a degree of confusion in each instance, then there is a strong possibility of vascular/multi-infarct dementia. You really need more medical information. Would it be possible for your ex to discuss the details with his parents +/- FIL's GP? Then you would know what you are dealing with. What is the diagnosis? What measures have been taken to minimise the risk of a further event (e.g. better management of blood pressure)? Has he had a dementia assessment? If this is not being properly managed and/or if there is a dementia diagnosis, then DD, MIL and PIL, and the wider public are all at risk, both in and possibly also out of the car. You need more information before you characterise this as 'disrespect' and before you are able to decide what's best to do next.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/04/2017 08:10

My advice - contact the local police station and let them know that as a concerned member of the public, you are aware of an elderly gentleman who is prone to stroke getting behind the wheel of a car and driving in their jurisdiction (or words to that effect). You are also aware that this gentleman has had his driving license revoked due to his medical condition and you want them be aware too. You could also mention (if asked) that you believe he drives a white VW Golf*
(* car type may be substituted for whatever type of car he does drive around in). You are just expressing concern as a member of the public as you feel this shouldn't be happening.
I wouldn't give my name unless I knew it wouldn't be passed on to your ex DH or PiL.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 08:20

GP won't talk to the op ex without the ok from the ex's father. Patient confidentiality and all that.

Also, reporting to the police as prone to stroke won't make any difference. Reporting due to licence being revoked will do - the police may call out ask him to show them his licence but they may not. They may just check the database to check that he has a valid driving licence.

The stinger is going to be if he has had his licence returned. Then the issue will be that he is medically deemed fit to drive yet the op doesn't want him driving her child. And that is one for her ex to handle, since the op doesn't appear to have any contact with her ex in laws

redshoeblueshoe · 19/04/2017 11:15

MrsLupo of course it was disrespect. The X had been assures that his DF was not driving. It is actually irrelevant if his licence has been revoked as the OP and her X have both said they do not want him to drive. Going round the corner and swapping drivers is disrespectful

MrsLupo · 19/04/2017 12:52

GP won't talk to the op ex without the ok from the ex's father. Patient confidentiality and all that.

Yes, obviously, but if there have been recent serious health problems, and one or both parents need support, it isn't at all outlandish for OP's ex to ask his parents if they could all have a chat together with the GP in order to check that everyone is on the same page. Families do this all the time, and GPs welcome their input. Probably best not to try and arrange that with particular reference to the driving in an all-guns-blazing kind of way, as consent to participate probably won't then be forthcoming, I agree.

MrsLupo of course it was disrespect.

It may well have been, yes, but OP says MIL is a mousy woman and used to letting FIL call the shots. If FIL is in the early stages of dementia, this is a tricky combination. His decisionmaking will be poor and his emotions may be volatile. He may be aware at some level of what is happening and trying to assert himself even more than usual as a form of denial/defence mechanism. MIL won't have the tools to take charge of the situation, on top of longstandingly not having the inclination.

This is my read of the situation, and I am speaking from a great deal of experience. I hope my advice may be of use to the OP. But of course I may be wrong - I don't know any of the people involved - and it may be that cutting DD's contact with her GPs and giving them it with both barrels is in fact the better thing to do. Hopefully FIL won't kill anyone meantime.

Original poster
DianaMitford · 19/04/2017 20:02

I have no knowledge of the medical situation but if he was suffering from dementia or similar then I'm presuming that the wider family would know (ex H). He messaged me last night and just said "I'm done with my parents." And I can't blame him. They are awful people frankly who don't see any fault in themselves whatsoever. This really is the last straw for me because I do not trust them. It goes against what I believe - that dd relationship with grandparents should be nurtured, regardless of the situation with me or ex H. I've been trying to do this for years and they keep taking the piss. So that's it now. The trust is gone so they won't be seeing my dd again. Ex H is totally on board with this btw - I do respect his authority in decisions involving his parents.

The last message I had was a nasty threatening one. I don't trust ex PIL not to do something extreme - like report me to the police for harassment. They've done similar in the past. We used to live next door to them and they got irate one year because my cats wouldn't stop going into their garden. When I said no, I wouldn't be getting rid of the cats they phoned the RSPCA and accused me of neglect, saying the cats were kept outside. Total rubbish and a quick chat with the RSPCA officer set them straight. Luckily we've had the same vet for years so they were happy to vouch for us.

It's a horrible situation all round unfortunately.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 19/04/2017 20:11

I'm glad your X has put DD above everything. Flowers

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