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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming at ex-ILs??

121 replies

DianaMitford · 17/04/2017 21:59

I really don't know why I'm surprised. They have a history of being completely disrespectful.

Anyway, ex DH and I separated four years ago so I haven't seen them for a while. In the last six months ex FIL has had two small strokes. He was unaware of where he was and why he was there when they each happened. After the first the medics weren't too concerned but after the second it became clear that this might be an ongoing issue. Unsurprisingly he has not been allowed to drive. I made it clear to ex dh that our dd(9) was not to be in a car driven by ex FIL as I suspected he was still driving. I was assured not.

Dd has just returned home and told me that her gps stopped in the road and swapped drivers once they were out of sight of family. Ex Dh to be fair didn't know about this but I am still furious. There is no reason why ex MIL can't drive, it will just be ex FIL deciding that he wants to so he's bloody well going to do it.

I can't let her go and stay there again can I? Seeing as they take absolutely no bloody notice of what her parents say??

OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 17/04/2017 22:28

Yabnu. But would stopping her going to gp's restrict contact between exh and your dd? If so it might not be as simple as just not letting her go again

Pigface1 · 17/04/2017 22:29

YADDDNBU.

I'd suggest speaking to your exH about your DD in the first instance.

However, as PP have pointed out, there's a bigger issue about the safety of all road users here. This is a health condition that should have been disclosed to the DVLA (which would presumably have resulted in the suspension of his license). He's effectively driving without a license.

And in circumstances where your ex MiL is perfectly capable of driving it's particularly inexcusable!

Pigface1 · 17/04/2017 22:30

Have just seen your most recent post - glad your exH is on the same page!!

redshoeblueshoe · 17/04/2017 22:31

Does your X know what happened ?

opinionatedfreak · 17/04/2017 22:32

This is the official info. it is a bit unclear IMO.

www.gov.uk/transient-ischaemic-attacks-and-driving

Instasista · 17/04/2017 22:37

Ok calm down a touch. I totally understand why you're so upset but it's not as simple as calling the dvla or 111. Obviously loads and loads of people drive without a licence and it's not great but not heavily penalised. I think you need to work on your exH rather than I. Laws or police

EweAreHere · 17/04/2017 22:42

Report him to the DVLA. And suggest to DH you may have to consult with your solicitor over the situation unless DH can guarantee with 100% certainty that they will never be alone with your child again. They can't be trusted.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 17/04/2017 22:44

I think you need to work on your exH rather than I. Laws or police

would you be of the same mindset if there had been an accident and op's dd was badly hurt - or worse?

Just because it's not heavily penalised is not a reason to NOT report unlicensed/dangerous drivers to the police.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 17/04/2017 22:44

Loads of people drive without a license so that's ok??? Hmm

This is not a matter of a technicality. He has recurrent strokes! In short op yanbu. There is not a chance in hell I would bet dd be driven by him, or anyone who didn't think that that is a dangerously idiotic and unreasonable thing to do.

Seeingadistance · 17/04/2017 22:46

Instasista - this has nothing to do with the exH! The PILs swapped drivers once they were out of sight and he was unaware. Now that he is aware, he is supportive of the OP.

People have their licences revoked for good reason - to protect the lives of others, and themselves. The FIL has health conditions which mean he is at high risk of losing consciousness or awareness of this surroundings WHILE DRIVING!!!

Instasista · 17/04/2017 22:47

couldntmakethisshitup question- what do you expect the dvla to do? Sent a letter?

And the police? They need to catch him in the act. He hardly justifies a stake out does he?

Op and her ex need to work together to protect the children. Anything else is unrealistic

redshoeblueshoe · 17/04/2017 22:48

calm down a touch really ?
In the last month 3 people have died near where I live.
Neither of the drivers should have been driving.
The OP has already said her X was on their dd's side, and his parents deliberately misled their DS.

Instasista · 17/04/2017 22:48

X posted. I meant work with, not on, the exH

Benedikte2 · 17/04/2017 22:51

He won't be insured, either, if he has an accident so no- one covered for even minor injuries .
Instasista, just because many people drive without licences does not minimise the risk this man poses not only to his granddaughter but to other road users. If he did cause an accident and survived he would be penalised quite heavily. The lack of a licence would be seen to be an aggravating factor because he drove knowing the risks

Instasista · 17/04/2017 22:59

benedickte2 you're not getting my point. It's not about justifying what the exFIL is doing, its about the realistic action you can take.

Googling how illegal it is doesn't add any value to the advice to op does it?

TreeTop7 · 17/04/2017 22:59

Report him. You've then done your duty. If the silly old fool subsequently injures someone (or worse) your conscience is clear.

I hope that your ex will be robust with them. Ex Mil is just as stupid.

Original poster
DianaMitford · 17/04/2017 23:04

The problem is more deeply rooted than just this one instance. They have never respected our views or preferences. But this is the first time (to my knowledge) that their decision has placed my dd in direct danger. I'm sorry if that seems OTT, but that's how I feel.

Just had a message from poor ex - he told them explicitly that dd was not to be driven by FIL and he had no knowledge whatsoever of what had happened. He says he is "properly fucking angry" but going to sleep on it before making any decisions.

OP posts:
Crapuccino · 17/04/2017 23:13

That is insane. The driver in Glasgow who blacked out and yet continued driving destroyed countless families with his irresponsibility. Wtf are they thinking??

Alerting the police to the fact that it's happening and telling them the reg plate and address gives them the chance to catch him in the act. They might not act the same day, or even that week, but I can't see why they wouldn't want an easy win like that over a massive RTA with possible loss of life somewhere down the line.

AdoraBell · 17/04/2017 23:14

I agree, contact DVLA and keep dc away from them.

Hotfootit · 17/04/2017 23:18

Definitely report to Police and DVLA. You will need to leave it to exDH do deal with PIL. But I think you should do what you can to protect DD and everyone else on the road.
I've contacted DVLA about one of DH's colleagues who is driving whilst ill - I have no idea what (if anything) has happened, but I understand that they may be called to provide a doctor's opinion and we'll see where that goes. I hope that if s/he's not safe to drive, s/he'll listen and if s/he is safe then no harm is done.

Dogsmom · 17/04/2017 23:22

I'd be fuming too, how utterly self centered of ex fil.

My fil had a small stroke whilst driving last year, luckily he was only doing about 15mph and bumped up the kerb and came to a stop, if it'd been 10 minutes earlier he'd have been doing 60mph on the dual carriageway, he had no control at all and it terrified him. He's since had a few more and never gets any warning.

He was told not to drive after the 1st one for 3 months but this has now been extended to him having to be 12 months stroke free.

Atenco · 17/04/2017 23:30

And the police? They need to catch him in the act. He hardly justifies a stake out does he?

Obviously the police wouldn't do a stake out, but maybe they could safe a few lives if they did.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/04/2017 23:31

If he has had his license revoked then his insurance wont be valid so any poor bugger he hits will have no chance of claiming their costs back. He will be facing big trouble if convicted of driving with no insurance and no license!

I agree that ringing 101 would be a good idea.

QuackDuckQuack · 17/04/2017 23:41

Don't the police send PCSOs round for a chat for these things sometimes? It isn't necessarily a case of staking someone out and proving a crime has taken place, but explaining the law and potential consequences.

MrsLupo · 18/04/2017 00:00

Report to police, DVLA and exFIL's GP, who can reiterate with DVLA. Good that ex is onside. DD absolutely mustn't be left alone with them until this is definitely resolved somehow. But your DD, with respect, isn't the only person in danger if exFIL is driving in this state. The one you need to be putting pressure on is exMIL, who needs to be willing to get out of the car and call the police herself if exFIL insists on driving. If he is having recurrent TIAs, and given his unawareness of where he was when they happened, this is probably a dementia picture, so you and ex need to liaise about DD's safety with them more generally (and exMIL probably needs support).

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