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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming at ex-ILs??

121 replies

DianaMitford · 17/04/2017 21:59

I really don't know why I'm surprised. They have a history of being completely disrespectful.

Anyway, ex DH and I separated four years ago so I haven't seen them for a while. In the last six months ex FIL has had two small strokes. He was unaware of where he was and why he was there when they each happened. After the first the medics weren't too concerned but after the second it became clear that this might be an ongoing issue. Unsurprisingly he has not been allowed to drive. I made it clear to ex dh that our dd(9) was not to be in a car driven by ex FIL as I suspected he was still driving. I was assured not.

Dd has just returned home and told me that her gps stopped in the road and swapped drivers once they were out of sight of family. Ex Dh to be fair didn't know about this but I am still furious. There is no reason why ex MIL can't drive, it will just be ex FIL deciding that he wants to so he's bloody well going to do it.

I can't let her go and stay there again can I? Seeing as they take absolutely no bloody notice of what her parents say??

OP posts:
CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 18/04/2017 01:42

And the police? They need to catch him in the act. He hardly justifies a stake out does he?

Well, it's for the police to decide how to act on the information given.
In my experience they go round to 'have a chat' with the adults involved, may perhaps give them a warning/caution.
Perhaps that is exactly what is needed for these pil to show some respect for others?

OP, you are NOT being OTT at all - they could have killed your child and that should NOT be minimized in any way.

Personally, i would report him & i'd refuse to let them have unsupervised contact with your dc - they can't be trusted.

I'd rather report him now so he gets a shake down from the police rather than wait until he kills someone and then feel guilty for not doing fuck all about it when i had the chance.

If you seriously believe reporting him to the police not the rigfht thing to do....what if he/someone like him is involved in an accident with YOUR loved ones?
How would you feel then if you found out people chose not to report him on all the other occasions he drove without a licence?

TaliDiNozzo · 18/04/2017 06:46

Gosh this is terrible. Some people really can't accept any limitations being put on them can they? It's arrogance combined with denial I think.

Glad to hear you and your ex are on the same page with this though. I would suggest less contact with GPs and none that is unsupervised (if you can agree on restrictions). Clearly exMIL is not to be trusted as much as exFIL.

TaliDiNozzo · 18/04/2017 06:47

Sorry, fluffed the last sentence. I meant MIL is equally as trustworthy as FIL. As in not at all.

WateryTart · 18/04/2017 07:10

So glad to read that your ex is supporting you.

Instasista · 18/04/2017 07:18

couldntmakethisshitup I didn't say don't report him. I said dont expect Much from reporting him, including it stopping him.

FurryLittleTwerp · 18/04/2017 07:25

The very fact they swapped drivers means they know this is wrong but just don't care! Shock

dailystuck71 · 18/04/2017 07:27

I agree, he just doesn't care what damage he causes.

usernumbernine · 18/04/2017 07:36

I would report it to the dvla.

Your ex should also report.

Be prepared for it that he might be allowed to drive again - people can get their licence revoked for a period and then get it back.

peukpokicuzo · 18/04/2017 07:43

Yanbu to be furious but with exDH on the same page and "properly fucking angry" I don't think you necessarily need to do anything.

When your DD is with exDH then he has the same level of parental responsibility and authority as you yourself have when she is with you. He is as capable of insisting that DD isn't driven by her grandpa as you are. You only need to take action if exDH starts being irresponsible and decides that his time with his girlfriend matters more to him than his DD's safety.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 18/04/2017 07:47

Not that she should have to take responsibility but also make it clear to dd that she shouldn't get into a car again with just ex mil and fil. We had to have that discussion with our dc re grandparents although fortunately they stopped driving. They knew that it was fine to refuse. They weren't really left alone with them but they knew just in case. If she has a phone tell her to ring you/ex if she is ever concerned that she is being asked to do something not happy with. Or not leave her there alone.

emmyrose2000 · 18/04/2017 07:49

The very fact they swapped drivers means they know this is wrong but just don't care!

Exactly!

I'm glad ex is on your side with this, OP. I hope he puts his foot down and refuses to let DD be alone with the grandparents for the foreseeable future.

AddictedtoSnickers · 18/04/2017 08:00

My trust would be broken after a dangerous stunt like that. I'd be insisting upon no unsupervised contact from now on. Agree that a phone for DD whilst she is visiting GPs is a good idea.

CalmItKermitt · 18/04/2017 08:10

Bastards. I'd go nuclear at this and never put DD in their care again. They clearly can't be trusted.

deaddeadgood · 18/04/2017 09:42

What arrogant bastards. Thinking that he's ok to drive and they'll never have an accident. And taking that risk with your DD and members of the public.
I'd be fucking livid OP

Original poster
DianaMitford · 18/04/2017 12:04

Thanks for all the replies :)

There's no more news on how ex is going to handle the situation yet. But what I really need is an idea of how to tackle this wrt dd. She has her gps on social media, etc and talks to them quite a lot. With a heavy heart I think that the only thing I can do is delete them from her phone (she has a fb account but ONLY for close family).

However, I don't want dd to suffer because of the actions of her gps....but I can't see a way to avoid that??

Oh and I can't remember if I said this upthread but MIL was completely complicit. They swapped over because she's scared of driving in the dark Hmm FWIW, she is generally a bit of a mouse of a woman, very much if FIL says jump, she'll say how high?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/04/2017 12:14

I dont think that they need to be deleted do they? The only issue is the driving isnt it?

Instasista · 18/04/2017 12:17

Why can't your daughter speak To
Them?

Catsick36 · 18/04/2017 12:17

The police will not "go for a chat". Driving without a licence or insurance is treated seriously. If he's caught he will have his car seized, and be arrested for both offences. The more info given to police about his habits will make it easier for them to catch him which they like. By all means report him and continue to do so until he is eventually caught. He is not above the law.

Crapuccino · 18/04/2017 12:21

I'm not sure that's actually the best course of action here, tbf. (Deleting GPs on social media, I mean.) Your daughter loses out on a safe form of contact with them. It triggers hostility between you and them since they'll probably guess it was your idea. And it doesn't link to the driving in any coherent way that I can think of. (It's also a useful way of keeping an eye on that relationship should any evidence of nastiness come up in the even that PIL is caught and blames you.)

Anyway, unless this was a last-straw scenario where they have done countless other unforgivable shit and you're done, I wouldn't take this route.

Crapuccino · 18/04/2017 12:23

Also your ExDH could just as easily veto it and it introduces a possible point of friction between you and him.

The gains from this (I can't see any) are insignificant compared to the possible damage/consequences.

Again, though, if both you and ExDH have agreed on total NC with them because this is one of countless things then in that context it makes sense.

EweAreHere · 18/04/2017 12:55

It sounds like neither grandparent should be driving her: he's been banned for strokes, and she probably has night vision issues, which is why she's afraid of it.

I think you and DH agree neither of his parents will be allowed to drive her again, or they won't be seeing her.

welovepancakes · 18/04/2017 13:16

It's good that your ex is also angry about this. Not sure you need to prevent DD from any contact with them eg via phone. The issue is the driving. Make sure your DD knows that she did the right thing to tell you. That was responsible. Don't let PIL make her feel guilty for that

welovepancakes · 18/04/2017 13:18

PS

I'm a great believer in actions and consequences. "Unfortunately, you drove against medical advice, deliberately concealing this from us. As a result, we can't trust you to have unsupervised contact."

RebootYourEngine · 18/04/2017 13:26

I am glad you and your exh are on the same page. I wouldnt do anything just yet with regards to your dd having contact with her gps. I would phone the police and dvla and allow your exh to deal with his parents.

Seeingadistance · 18/04/2017 13:58

I wouldn't make any changes to your DD's social media contacts with them - not now, at any rate. Apart from anything else, this will have a direct impact on your DD and she'll be unavoidably aware that the relationship has changed and with a child's logic she might feel that it is all her fault for telling you what happened. For that reason, I'd leave it, and pursue through DVLA and Police, and let ex DH speak to them too.

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