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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and new/first baby, again!

101 replies

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 17:51

I posted a few days ago about MIL and new baby, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2898666-MIL-and-first-new-baby

Today I got the date for my section and MIL immediately said to OH she'd take the day off so that she could come up once baby was born. Which isn't possible in recovery and would mean waiting until visiting hours.

However I had explicitly said that my DS gets to be the first person to see the baby, it's his life that is going to be changing the most (only child for almost 7 years) and the closer the date gets the more I can see him struggling. This is the one and only thing he has asked me about the baby coming, can he see the baby first (after myself and OH).

My DS will be going to school that day, as he will the day after. His routine won't change to try and keep things as stable as possible for him during the change. This means that no one will visit until night time visiting. Not only will this allow DS to.see baby first but it will let OH and I bond with the baby and give me the chance to recover after my c-section. I don't want anyone visiting within an hour or two of the birth.

OH thinks I am being unfair and should just keep DS off school to make sure his parents can come up asap, as it's their first GDC. I think a) I shouldn't be pressured in to have visitors when I don't want as I'll have a bag of pish next to my leg, no pants on and blood pouring on to the bed and mat under me and b) I shouldn't change DS routine and shouldn't keep him off school when there's no definite time baby will arrive.

Am I bu? Is he?

OP posts:

DartmoorDoughnut · 11/04/2017 17:54

He is BU, you've made a promise to your DS, and granny will have to wait til the next day

highinthesky · 11/04/2017 17:56

YANBU.

Why does DH find it so very hard to respect your wishes?

Wando1986 · 11/04/2017 17:56

Sod that. My DH is well aware we won't be seeing anyone for at least 48hrs afterwards apart from my midwife or our dog, even if he begged me. None of my family or his whatsoever. Our baby isn't for a game of pass the parcel and it isn't my parent's or his parent's. He is ours, and those first hours will never be replicated so they are for us to spend with him.

WhooooAmI24601 · 11/04/2017 17:57

This is a lot of planning and over-thinking. But I agree that if it matters to your DS that he be the first to see the baby, you should both try to accommodate his wish. There's no rush for anyone else to meet the baby; it won't evaporate if MIL hasn't seen it within 14 hours of birth. Tell her straight that it matters so much to your DS to see the baby first and that you'd love it if she could do x, y or z instead.

SayNoToCarrots · 11/04/2017 17:57

I absolutely do not think you are bu. You should have complete control of who comes to visit you in hospital, especially if you will be feeling vulnerable. However, I am sure if your OH arrived at DS's school in the middle of the day and said he was taking DS home as his mother had just given birth, no sensible person would stand in his way.

I wouldn't let something like inconvenient visiting hours and half a day at school get in the way of my son meeting his sibling as soon as possible after the birth.

ChasedByBees · 11/04/2017 17:58

YANBU. Both parents get a say when it comes to babies, but labour is a special case - this is about you as well as the baby and you will be recovering from major surgery.

Trifleorbust · 11/04/2017 18:00

You and your DS come before his parents. You are going to be feeling very vulnerable and wanting to bond with the baby. Tell him that, just this once, you will be as unreasonable as you want. His job is to make sure you and your children are well looked after.

grannytomine · 11/04/2017 18:00

I think you should keep your promise but I had a section and don't recognise your description of how you will after the section. I certainly didn't have a bag of pish on my leg, I did have pants on and a sanitary towel so no blood pouring onto the bed and I had a sheet and duvet over me as well.

grannytomine · 11/04/2017 18:02

I'd let your son have the time off school if it was me but that is your decision.

gammaraystar · 11/04/2017 18:03

Tell you mil she had her go, this isn't her baby! What the hell gets into people thinking they have some special rights to ignore a new mother's request.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2017 18:04

If you kept DS off school who would be looking after him? MiL? Perfect excuse to come in and see the baby...

Original poster

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 18:06

granny I had an emcs with DS and with the catheter (bag of pee) I couldn't wear pants. Not wearing pants then meant I sat on a maternity pad/mat thing, not a normal maternity pad. This was until I could walk and got the catheter removed.

My description is possibly more dramatic but also a very real possibility.

If the baby is born and I'm finished in recovery and on the ward before afternoon visiting then DS can leave early. However I'm not keeping him off all day on that possibility.

OP posts:

drinkyourmilk · 11/04/2017 18:07

I had a section 18 days ago.
Section on day 1 @ 1030am, back on to ward day 1 @ 330pm, catheter left in, no pants on- towel between legs that hca changed for me, feeling very battered and bruised. Day 2 6am catheter removed and could walk to loo to pee, put on pants etc.

Had visitors day 2 at 3pm and was fine to see them.

Op I'd say son only that first day too.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 18:07

If DS was off school my parents would look after him as we live closer and they are his grandparents. He has a room there etc and they've offered to take him the night before as we need to come in early.

My own mother is still going in to work.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 11/04/2017 18:08

Gosh, I knew the NHS was stretched- but blood pouring onto the bed? Really?

And of course take your ds out of school! It's a special occasion- make it extra special.

lorelairoryemily · 11/04/2017 18:09

^ this. I had a section and certainly wasn't left like that. Underwear was definitely on. Sanitary towel, sheets and blankets too. I think your son absolutely should be the first person to see the new baby, but maybe a few less rules? As a pp said I'm sure he could finish school early. Why can't your mother in law visit that evening?

Original poster

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 18:09

drink I don't even care if they come in the evening if I've had a few hours to adjust, bond with the baby and freshen up as much as possible. As long as DS sees baby first.

OP posts:

Original poster

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 18:12

I explained it was an over reaction but I definitely didn't have pants on the first time round, just a maternity mat under me with sheets on top.
I also never said MIL couldn't visit that evening as long as DS was the first person to see the baby and I'd had a few hours to adjust and bond.

Bertrand I wouldn't have him out because he needs routine and consistency and is struggling to cope with the impending arrival. School keeps his mind off it.

OP posts:

Mrsmull2017 · 11/04/2017 18:13

Just tell dh to say that 'all arrangements are sorted thanks though. . Let you know when dw is up to visitors. .' . End of chat!!

twisterinyogapants · 11/04/2017 18:18

OP I have had 3 sections and never had pants on until I was able to move and catheter had been removed. Just s sanitary towel pressed between my legs nighty pulled down and sheets over. Be firm with your dp in that your son comes first and your making no promises when his mum comes in.

Megatherium · 11/04/2017 18:20

Why on earth did your DH give his mother the date?

He needs to tell her that she really is going to have to give priority to your DS. In the final analysis, if he won't you could tell the hospital that she is just not to be allowed in to see you - maybe if you tell him that he'll see the wisdom of telling her nicely.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 18:20

Everyone and their aunty can come visit that night as long as a) DS is the first person through the door and first person to have a cuddle and b) I've had a bit of time to bond, clear my head and get comfortable.

That probably won't be possible at first visiting but can happen that night.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 11/04/2017 18:21

Do exactly what you want/need, OP. Your OH can grow up and deal with his mother. Those on here saying they were fine after their sections/questioning how to handle things for your DS etc can do one. It's the OP's life and body. Everyone handles things differently.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 18:21

DH isn't bothered, or so he says, but I know he is.
I understand it's their first grandchild and they're excited but I'm not asking them to wait weeks. I'm asking them to possibly wait a few hours so a young, but old enough to understand, child gets to see his sibling.

OP posts:

MycatsaPirate · 11/04/2017 18:22

YANBU.

And ask the staff if they can keep the baby's first bath until your DS gets there after school so he can do it.

They did this for me. My DD was also 7 at the time and I have photos of her very carefully washing her baby sisters head and looking so proud! It will be a lovely thing to look back on and remember for all of you.

And tell your MIL that they can come on day 2. By day three you will hopefully be home but again it's down to you to say enough is enough with visitors. 30-45 min visits is plenty.

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