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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and new/first baby, again!

101 replies

sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 17:51

I posted a few days ago about MIL and new baby, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2898666-MIL-and-first-new-baby

Today I got the date for my section and MIL immediately said to OH she'd take the day off so that she could come up once baby was born. Which isn't possible in recovery and would mean waiting until visiting hours.

However I had explicitly said that my DS gets to be the first person to see the baby, it's his life that is going to be changing the most (only child for almost 7 years) and the closer the date gets the more I can see him struggling. This is the one and only thing he has asked me about the baby coming, can he see the baby first (after myself and OH).

My DS will be going to school that day, as he will the day after. His routine won't change to try and keep things as stable as possible for him during the change. This means that no one will visit until night time visiting. Not only will this allow DS to.see baby first but it will let OH and I bond with the baby and give me the chance to recover after my c-section. I don't want anyone visiting within an hour or two of the birth.

OH thinks I am being unfair and should just keep DS off school to make sure his parents can come up asap, as it's their first GDC. I think a) I shouldn't be pressured in to have visitors when I don't want as I'll have a bag of pish next to my leg, no pants on and blood pouring on to the bed and mat under me and b) I shouldn't change DS routine and shouldn't keep him off school when there's no definite time baby will arrive.

Am I bu? Is he?

OP posts:
Dani240 · 11/04/2017 18:27

FWIW your description of a section sounds exactly like mine was - piss bag, no pants, pouring blood onto the mattress pad. YANBU BTW - your baby your choice.

happypoobum · 11/04/2017 18:28

YANBU

XMIL barged her way onto the maternity ward when I was still in labour Shock So much for security and adhering to the mothers wishes.

Make it as clear as you can to the staff that you want NO VISITORS other than DS and that this includes PILS.

Good luck Flowers

ChunkyHare · 11/04/2017 18:28

Both my emcs and elective were followed by catheter and bag of wee attached to the side of the bed, no knickers just a towel between my legs and even though I gave birth at 11.50am I wasn't wheeled onto the ward until gone 3pm.

My Mum was looking after Ds1 and brought him in, she waited outside the ward and Dh collected Ds1 and he came and had the first cuddle. He was 3 at the time but the photos show him he was first.

My Mum came in when she was invited in. That is how you do it, you listen to the person who just gave birth.

diddl · 11/04/2017 18:30

Oh, Op you can't make the first time GM wait until the next day-what if baby has changed a great deal by then?

How will they bond?

What on earth thinks that this is about you??!!

Why does your OH think that his mum's wishes are more important than yours?

PurpleMinionMummy · 11/04/2017 18:32

DS visits straight after school and inlaws in the evening visiting slot? Seems reasonable to me. It's a few hours to wait not days.

pinkiepie1 · 11/04/2017 18:33

I also had an emergency section and it was the same as op, I had dd at 20.47 and still had a gown and cathiter?? In at 1pm the next day, had a towel between legs and felt self conscious when they stripped bed and saw all the blood, finally got to see dd in nicu at half 2 after I managed to get some pj bottoms on.
As for the actually post, we are doing the same thing, DD is going to be the first to meet her sibling, apart from my mum will be bringing her so she will see baby, unless it happens in next 2week then it will be another baby in nicu but you can always tell midwives that u do not want any visitors until x time.
Hope everything goes ok for you xx

NotInMyBackYard1 · 11/04/2017 18:34

You are exactly right OP - after both of my CSs I have had a maternity pad wedged between my legs, sat on a mat and covered over with bedsheets - both times, I have flooded said mat and been left lying in my own blood for hours as I was still numb from waist down and couldn't feel a thing. Resulted in bed baths, nightie change, bedding changed - all whilst nursing a newborn. Not the ideal for MIL to be there gawping at. In fact I sent DH out too - its humiliating!
You are totally right about DS being first to visit - he is old enough to know how special it is. Keep MIL and other visitors to day 2.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 18:36

My parents will bring DS and will wait outside while OH gets him. Once DS sees his brother and gets a cuddle all grandparents can come in (as long as it's visiting time).
I'm not banishing people forever.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/04/2017 18:39

Absolutely your ds should be the first to see the baby!

,

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 18:42

YANBU and your OH needs to accept this. Anything that suggests his parents are more important than your son needs to be stamped on HARD at this point, to ensure it doesn't continue later.

hopeful31yrs · 11/04/2017 18:42

Turned out I didn't get my section til 3pm and so my parents had to pick my daughter up after school. My trust had a sibling only policy in recovery (plus OH) but we couldn't because my section had been so late. My Dh brought her in the next day when he came to pick me up so it all worked out. Grandparents stayed at home and waited for us

summerfling · 11/04/2017 18:44

I had my baby on a Monday but didn't have a visitor until the Tuesday & that was my DF, he was in & out in 20 minutes.

My BP was my DM, who stayed with me the entire time, however I didn't want anyone else coming (I was a mess).

Don't feel pressured, stand your ground.

Like you said, your son has been an only child for 7 years, he needs easing into this.

notangelinajolie · 11/04/2017 18:46

Stick with your plan and let DS see baby first. Your MIL won't know the baby is born until you tell her so I don't see why you are stressing .... just don't tell her and problem solved! The hospital aren't going to tell her either - and if you are worrying about her turning up, no midwife is going to let her anywhere near you or your baby until you are ready.

If you are worried about your DH not supporting your plan - make sure your tell your midwife your wishes. She is there for you and baby.

HeeHighls · 11/04/2017 18:51

Your baby and manage it however you like. Tell anyone else to shove off. This is your time.

booellesmum · 11/04/2017 18:57

You need to do what is right for you and your DS.
If he is struggling have you thought about how the first meeting should go?
Maybe your DH should have hold of your newborn so DS can come to you first for a massive cuddle.
I know sometimes it can be hard for an older child to see mom with the new baby straight away as they feel displaced.
Congratulations and hope it all goes the way you want.

KayTee87 · 11/04/2017 19:00

Your mistake was telling mil the date for the section in the first place. Tell her it's changed due to emergencies.

TessTube · 11/04/2017 19:03

God even despite DS wanting to see the baby first I'd want at least a bit of a break before visitors.

And I wouldn't want to have to provide a schedule to everyone.

I'd say I know they are excited and they can be up literally as soon as I'd recovered enough to sit up and have visitors.

And it's not overly dramatic to say you might be sat bleeding on a pad because I was in that position for nearly a week Bertrand. NHS or not.

JustSpeakSense · 11/04/2017 19:03

Stick to your plan OP, your MIL needs to take the second day off work as you won't be accepting visitors on the first day.

End.of.

Thinkingblonde · 11/04/2017 19:04

My daughter and SIL asked that all of the family wait until their four year old met his baby sister first, my other daughter had looked after him after nursery had finished, we'd had him overnight then dropped him off. He was so worried and scared of what was going on. Nursery was the best place for him, it occupied him and gave him normality at a stressful time for him.

ollieplimsoles · 11/04/2017 19:05

Christ I know I'm not the first to tell you this, but why does mil know the date?! I actually told my mil the wrong due date to get her away from me!

Its your medical information, she shouldn't know the date of your section.

In the end she can book the time off if she likes, but she won't be doing what she has in mind, so she might as well save her holidays.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 11/04/2017 19:07

OH told her the date as she asked how my appointment went today.

OP posts:
Corneliusmurphy · 11/04/2017 19:10

My elective c-section ended up being at 8pm instead of in the morning as planned - they were very busy, the other morning lady was sent home and the afternoon appointments cancelled.
They only did me as the nurse said she felt sorry for me (twins) point being she's better off planning to see you the day after - her day off may be wasted anyway.

Sunshinegirl82 · 11/04/2017 19:15

I don't understand how people were fully dressed in pants a couple of hours after a c-section? I couldn't move my legs for 5 hours, I had a catheter in until the next morning (baby born at 11am). Ds was in scbu and as soon as I could move my legs I got them to take me round in a wheel chair. I couldn't really walk. I was a mess!

I think your plan is fine OP. I always think it's such a shame when grandparents/siblings/ anyone else let their excitement about a new baby run away with them so that they start forcing a pregnant woman/new mother feel unconfortabke and railroaded into things. The natural reaction to feeling like that is to pull back so they end up getting the exact opposite of what they wanted. If people just relaxed a bit I think they'd get much further! Good luck with the birth OP!

emmyhNL · 11/04/2017 19:17

I'd be firm with your OH about your wishes. What you've said sounds perfectly fine and I think it's best for your son to be at school/occupied?

FWIW - I had the exact same (catheter bag, sitting on a bloody pad, no undies) and my in-laws walked in. I had just come down from recovery and hadn't held my daughter since she was born.

Do what YOU want. You know your son the best

user1469300540 · 11/04/2017 19:20

My MIL was similar. I didn't want her there immediately after the birth like she wanted. In the end we just didn't tell her! DD was born at 1:25am and we rang MIL at 3pm! Told her we were waiting to be discharged so not to come out to hospital and we'd ring once we were home and settled. We eventually rang her the next day at lunch!

Can you not do that? Just don't tell her when you've had Baby. Wait until DS has been out then ring to say baby is here etc. She doesn't need to know the time you go down etc.

Sounds awful but this is a precious time you don't want to be ruined or stressed because of one woman's inability to wait!

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