MIL and new/first baby, again!

[sailorcherries]

I posted a few days ago about MIL and new baby, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2898666-MIL-and-first-new-baby

Today I got the date for my section and MIL immediately said to OH she'd take the day off so that she could come up once baby was born. Which isn't possible in recovery and would mean waiting until visiting hours.

However I had explicitly said that my DS gets to be the first person to see the baby, it's his life that is going to be changing the most (only child for almost 7 years) and the closer the date gets the more I can see him struggling. This is the one and only thing he has asked me about the baby coming, can he see the baby first (after myself and OH).

My DS will be going to school that day, as he will the day after. His routine won't change to try and keep things as stable as possible for him during the change. This means that no one will visit until night time visiting. Not only will this allow DS to.see baby first but it will let OH and I bond with the baby and give me the chance to recover after my c-section. I don't want anyone visiting within an hour or two of the birth.

OH thinks I am being unfair and should just keep DS off school to make sure his parents can come up asap, as it's their first GDC. I think a) I shouldn't be pressured in to have visitors when I don't want as I'll have a bag of pish next to my leg, no pants on and blood pouring on to the bed and mat under me and b) I shouldn't change DS routine and shouldn't keep him off school when there's no definite time baby will arrive.

Am I bu? Is he?

Ah glad your dh has listened - make sure he tells mil in no uncertain terms this is what happens!!!

Does your maternity unit not allow siblings in outside of normal visiting? Mine does. My 11 yr old was first one to visit at 10.30in the morning, ny parents dropped him off - they couldn't come until normal visiting. Was absolutely lovely watching them together and very important for my ds. have gorgeous photos of the two of them lying on my hospital bed and then we all left together when I was discharged about 4ish.

I did have a private room (had a traumatic experience on the ward the 1st time) so I wouldn't have had him stay for that long if I was on the ward, but it was important to us all that he was there as soon as it was viable.

granny I had an emcs with DS and with the catheter (bag of pee) I couldn't wear pants. Not wearing pants then meant I sat on a maternity pad/mat thing, not a normal maternity pad. This was until I could walk and got the catheter removed

I didn't have a catheter, I can see why that would make pants awkward. I did have a drain in the wound which meant my pants were a bit low at the front. I guess hospitals do it differently. So glad I didn't have a catheter, I don't like them but then again I didn't like the drain either.

My section was an emergency as well, all very dramatic with poor husband left standing as they ran off with me.

We had no visitors until my parents could bring ds1 to meet the baby. They hung back and let him race into the (private) room to see his baby. I was made a fuss of my dparents whilst dh supervised ds. They then asked him if they could come and see his baby. A swap happened and I made a fuss of ds1 and parents met baby. I also had to explain pee bag to ds (4 at the time).

Stick to your guns. Time to be with baby yourself with your dh is important before the world arrives. Also allowing ds1 to meet baby first is important - brother trumps granny! She'll soon get over it all once she meets baby.

I was sent for an 'emcs' straight from a scan at lunch time. Didn't actually have ds until 9pm as other emergencies came in. My parents were in the waiting room but weren't allowed to see me (ds went straight to nicu, they couldn't see him either)

Pad on the bed - def no knickers. I had a catheter most of the next day too (and carried it with me on the walk to nicu - I must have looked a right state!!)
I didn't see anyone till next morning.

As its not a emergency it may not happen until late in the day. I had mine at 5;30.
You need to tell staff you don't want any visitors as they let my dad into delivery suite just after I had been sat up to eat toast after section.
They will let sibling in before you go to the ward so I would get someone to bring him into you and say no visitors until the next day it will be easier .

Please put your foot down. Take the baby out of the equation for a second: does your DH and MIL not realise you are having major surgery? You absolutely in your right to want some privacy in that time! And that's before you have brought the stress, anxiety and lack of sleep brought on by caring for a newborn.

I would say to your DH that the next time he is having his abdomen sliced open, then he can call the shots but this time round it's up to you!

I think rather than feet down, getting angry reaction it might be better for your husband to say " Cherries will still be grim from the operation, somneeds peace and quiet to recover. We've told (son) he can come to see his new sibling but aren't having any other visiting until the next day. We'd love to see you then but in the meantime I'll send photos so you can show everyone your grandchild".

OH has already said he didn't realise what the op would entail, how I would be afterwards nor did he realise that it might not happen straight away.
I explained to him how it was after DS and let him read the 'elective cesarean' booklet, which opened his eyes.

We've agreed that if I'm done earlyish then DS can visit then parents at night.
If I'm not done until later on then just DS visiting and everyone else in the afternoon.

I'm glad you've got the message through - although you kept telling him it has taken a while for him to listen!

Has he spoken to his mum?

He needs to tell her to go to work and he'll ring when she can visit

Instruct the staff about no information to be given out and no visitors until DS - they are really helpful

He's not spoken to his mum yet, I don't think. I actually don't know if he will.

MIL is coming at the weekend so we'll see what happens then.

She can take the day off if she wants, however she will be told that there is no guarantee my section will happen early in the day and no one will come until DS sees his sibling.

Good grief lots of planning and angst here.

With it without catheter snd rivers of blood it's your body having the baby so it's your say. Just tell mil she will have to wait as it's important for her grandson to see the baby first.

Why is your ds struggling? I had a gap of 8/9 years between babies and no one struggled as we didn't expect them to.

Keep it brisk and chatty and happy and your ds will be fine. Too much overthinking and expecting angst will signal to him that he should be feeling some.

DS is struggling for a few reasons.

My OH isn't his father and he's been worrying about whether he will be the babys real brother, he's only 6 but almost 7. I've explained that yes he will be but because none of his friends have a blended family he cannot understand how that works yet.

DS' dad and grandmother have dismissed the baby coming as 'not important', which to them it isn't and I understand that. However that has then meant DS questions his own feelings and feels he cannot talk about it or get excited about it while with them.

I'm struggling with sciatica and SPD which means I can't do as much with DS as I did.

With it being OHs first child and his parents first grandchild there is a lot of talk about new baby and excitement.

He is excited but has trouble processing emotions and can become overwhelmed.

I'm due my first with my DP in May, and have 3 previous dc ( 8,7 and 5) with my xh, so I understand what it's like to have this situation. This will be 4th c section too. It makes total sense to have your Ds be the first to see his brother. He is the one who will live with the baby, grow with him. He needs to have the chance to get used to that without an audience or anyone pressuring him to hand the baby over. Those few hours will make the difference to how well he copes after. Mine are the same in feeling they can't mention the baby around their dad because he obviously has nothing to do with it, but he's actually been quite supportive and understanding, so we've been lucky. Basically MIL can wait because she is an adult. She is excited and that's brilliant but there's a small child who trumps her.

Exactly, I feel like my DS is at an age where he is old enough to have his own feelings and express them but too young to fully understand them.
This can lead to him becoming quite emotionally distant and confused at times.

I feel that if the first meeting doesn't go well or he feels pressured during it then he will struggle even more so for the first while.

YANBU OP, I was in no fit state after my section recently to see anyone other than DP. Nothing on down below, bleeding onto square sheet on bed, massive bag of pee, huge wound drain hanging off, covered in blood pressure cuffs and IVs in both hands, could barely move.. No way could I have had underwear on! Next day still felt really difficult and messy, the third day was when I started to feel normal and have all the things attached to me taken off! Then could put trousers on and have a shower etc.

YANBU

I had a c section 8 days ago. I had a catheter, and was laid on a maternity sheet and pad for 12 hours. I was then allowed to clear up after the catheter was removed. I'm not sure why people are unaware of the indignity of childbirth given most of you would have experienced it.

My DD was the first to meet DS as she's been an only child for 8 years. It was how we wanted it, and people respected that. I was able to go home the next day and everyone else was able to visit us at home, where I was able to maintain and control dignity.

So those who had sections but knickers on, you didn't have a catheter for major surgery? Very odd. And yes, free bleeding occurred as is normal in these situations.

Right see your points op. I don't like the fact that his biological dad and grandparents are dismissing the baby that's unhelpful. Still not much you can do there. Yes lots of reassurance and story times with your ds while baby on your lap.

Good luck op sure all will be fine

YADNBU it is totally up to you when people visit you after major surgery and everyone should respect your wishes. Stand firm and don't let your DP call to spread the happy news until you are ready to be descended upon. Your DS is the priority after you as it is his life that will be most affected by the impending arrival, I remember going to see my DB when he was born and it is one of my most treasured memories just me and my mum and dad and new baby brother.

I didn't really want to see people while I was in hospital and would have preferred if people had waited until I was home, I had a natural birth and only stayed one night but I felt bad because dd is the first grandchild so let them come, they preceded to moan at me for having not changed out of my gown, having the curtains shut and not chatting to the other mums. And they haven't respected my wishes in terms of frequency of visits since and it boils my piss that I haven't had a weekend to myself without having to see people for 7 months!

SharkBastard, do you think people are going to come on here and lie about having a catheter? Why? I have had a catheter with a difficult birth when I was unable to pass urine but I didn't have one after my section. I don't think I had one after my hysterectomy but I was quite high on morphine that time so I probably wouldn't have noticed.

So to reiterate I had an emergency section, I did not have a catheter, I had pants on with a pad and actually I bled very little, much less than after a vaginal delivery. I have no idea why that was and no idea if it was normal but it is a fact.

I don't think people would lie, no. But your section was an emergency, completely different to a planned section. You are fitted with a catheter during a planned section, then it's taken out and you're to pass urine within 6 hours to ensure no bladder damage during the operation.

Your section is entirely different to that of the OP's

SharkBastard the OP said she had an emcs and was describing that. She is having a planned section this time. I don't know why being an emergency would be the reason I didn't have a catheter, they had time to put a drain in so I'm sure they could have fitted a catheter if that was normal at that hospital. My sister couldn't understand why I had a drain as she didn't, things vary. So not everyone has a catheter, the OP might or might not, she might have pants on or not, either way she doesn't have to have visitors if she doesn't want them.

Ffs as a nurse please understand different consultants so things differently regarding catheters and drains and of course each patient is different and has different needs.

It's wierd to question other people's drips and drains after surgery.

And op again tell your dh to tell his mum it's not up for discussion she visits when you say.

I had a big gap too and I have the most lovely video of my lads meeting their 8/9 years younger sisters.

It's your little family time.

However my one dil wanted me there just after her C section as her own mum is crap really so all down to the person who had given birth.

OP I think you are absolutely correct in wanting DS to meet your newborn first and absolutely correct to keep him in a normal routine as much as possible. I am relieved that your dh has listened to you.

Your DS is only little and will have a lot of emotions running through him - as you have observed and anticipated. While your MIL is overwhelming or perhaps over excited she is mature enough to regulate her emotions (hopefully) and cope with waiting a few hours longer to see the baby.

I also had an overwhelming MIL ( and DM to be honest but I could speak plainly to her) and I still feel upset when I think of how inconsiderate she was of me - post section and absolutely discombobulated after an EMCS,

Second time I had an elective - you will be in better shape than after your EMCS. One thing you might want to consider is having visitors when you are a bit more normal looking - e.g. After a shower / wash/ no longer up to the eyeballs in diamorphine - so you look like your mum to DS.

When I had my elective I had no visitors until the next day as my section was quite late in the day and as my daughter was not yet 3 she would have been in bed for evening visiting. She was brought to the hospital by my parents who waited in the cafe while my husband brought her to meet us. It was lovely. After 20 mins or so my husband went down and my parents came up while he had some lunch and got out of the boiling hot ward. It was perfect.