MIL and new/first baby, again!

[sailorcherries]

I posted a few days ago about MIL and new baby, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2898666-MIL-and-first-new-baby

Today I got the date for my section and MIL immediately said to OH she'd take the day off so that she could come up once baby was born. Which isn't possible in recovery and would mean waiting until visiting hours.

However I had explicitly said that my DS gets to be the first person to see the baby, it's his life that is going to be changing the most (only child for almost 7 years) and the closer the date gets the more I can see him struggling. This is the one and only thing he has asked me about the baby coming, can he see the baby first (after myself and OH).

My DS will be going to school that day, as he will the day after. His routine won't change to try and keep things as stable as possible for him during the change. This means that no one will visit until night time visiting. Not only will this allow DS to.see baby first but it will let OH and I bond with the baby and give me the chance to recover after my c-section. I don't want anyone visiting within an hour or two of the birth.

OH thinks I am being unfair and should just keep DS off school to make sure his parents can come up asap, as it's their first GDC. I think a) I shouldn't be pressured in to have visitors when I don't want as I'll have a bag of pish next to my leg, no pants on and blood pouring on to the bed and mat under me and b) I shouldn't change DS routine and shouldn't keep him off school when there's no definite time baby will arrive.

Am I bu? Is he?

I had a c-section and had many visitors that day. You just lie in bed while everyone fawns over the newborn. Not sure what the big deal is?

I saw your last thread that seemed to imply that your pil felt that your parents may get more time with the baby. Who is going to be bringing your ds to the hospital? Will your parents get to see you and the new baby first? Maybe that's why mil is trying to manœuvre à visit so soon? Not that I think that that's right - it should be about your wishes so yanbu.

Gosh, I'd tell DH that he either stands up for you or he can wait to see the baby as well. They shouldn't stress you out with their demands. You are having a medical procedure, not putting up a musical.

Op when I had baby2, my eldest age 6 was with my parents due to school holidays. My baby was born at 1 although I wasn't fit for visitors until the evening visit. My parents brought D'S to hospital and he went home with DH.
Had if been a school day I would have sent him to school and done the same. I can hardly remember their first meeting, now I think about it I couldn't have had pants on either! I was quite glad my IL's decided not to visit that night.

When I had my ds on a thurs night the first lot of visitors was at lunch time on a Friday. In all honestly, I can't remember or even care who was the first visitors. Various family and friends visited over the next 3 days while we were in hospital. People are excited to see a new baby and it shouldn't be a competition to see who sees them first.
It's only on man that I have ever seen or heard this

booelle I've not actually thought about the first meeting between DS and baby, just playing it by ear.
marmalade people can visit, once DS has. I'm not blocking all visitors, just asking them to respect my wishes, give us somentime to bond and let DS come first.
mauvaise my parents will bring DS to hospital and escort him to the door of the wars/recovery ward. OH will collect him and he will come in. No one seeing baby before DS extends to my family as well (my dad might not even come, he has concert tickets so may just wait until the next day and when it's quiet).

Op I had a emergency cs and an elective cs. Totally get where u r coming from.

I had similar situation with my ILs. They turned up at hospital way before visiting hrs and was the first to come in to see DD2. No one asked me what I wanted. I was very annoyed as my parents had cooked food for me and had been looking after DD1 all day. I wanted to spend time with DD1 and introduce her to the new baby but that time was taken away from us. We were not given any choice in the matter. Admittedly it's my fault for not setting boundaries with them. I should have known better after their awful behaviour when DD1 was born but stupidly thought they'd be different second time round.

I would sit your OH and explain to him that after a major OP, u r going to need him to look after you and that u r going to need time to recover. And that u want the 4 of u to spend some time together to get used to this new addition and a bigger family.

Anyone else can frankly wait. This is your time and your feelings need to take precedence.

It's so funny because when MIL had an operation she told us frankly she didn't want us (except FIL) visiting her. But I had 2 operations. Csections are pretty major. Yet the ILs gave zero toss to my feelings. After all it's their grandchildren so they can do what they want.

Don't let anyone tell u what to do. If u don't stand ur ground now, you have no chance! She's likely going to turn up, stay all day drive u crazy. Be the typical nasty MiL who will have huge issue with u breastfeeding and will look for any opportunity to blame baby's cry on u and try to take it out in 'her' pram. This is not her second chance to be a mummy. It's her first chance to be a grandmother. The most important part of that is she needs to learn that she needs to do what it takes to support u. If u feel u need time to spend with new baby and DS first, she needs to accept that. End of!

U probably need to have a sit down with DH. He doesn't get it as he's not been thru this before. But he's going to need to grow some balls pretty quick.

As for ur need for space I totally get that. My parents moved here with each birth n lived 5 mins down the road from me and were a huge support. But they weren't under my foot all day. They used to do my shopping n bring me food everyday but were only here for a couple of hrs after lunch. I love my parents to bits and their help was invaluable but I couldn't have coped with anyone in my home for that length of time.

On the other hand mil when she did turn up would stay all day and drove me mad! Wouldn't let me hold the baby and caused a lot of drama abt me breastfeeding. In the end, I've banned her from coming round as I can't cope with her nastiness. Don't allow yourself to get into a similar situation.

Good luck! Ur going to need it as she seems to have it all planned to play mummy to new baby all under the 'disguise' of 'HELP'.

How about day 1 you and dh. If you are up to it ds later, if not dh and ds day 2. Day 3 is ok for visitors as you will feel more human. On the other hand, you could make all hospital days for dh and ds. I was out on day 3 after section. Visitors when you are home. Then they can make the tea!

Might be worth your while to ask for help from the mw in charge and explain what you plan to do .

Your mil can visit when you tell her she can visit and not before. You might have the date of your section, but not the time and the time can change drastically. Emergency cases or more at risk cases will take priority and often things don't go to plan. Just tell your husband that his mother isn't coming until you are ready. Having said that, if you are still sitting on mats etc, that can be covered with sheets. Everyone is different, I had to go on 24 hour watch after mine and didn't go up to the ward till the day after.

Your DH needs to understand you are having major surgery. You know it isnt a walk in the park, why is he not listening to you? He needs to be more supportive.

You, DH and if you are well enough DS on day 1 or Day 2 if you are pushed back (booked in sections will be pushed back for EMCS), grandparents on both sides the day after.

There should be no argument in this.

The other thing is how old is that pram? It is even safe to use? Have u seen it?

I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone taking my baby out esp if i didn't know them that well. Granted she brought up her own kids a few decades ago, but things r different now. They didn't even have car seats back then.
My parents have always gone out with my babies with me present. But MIL only wants to take DD1 out by herself but she can't even get to grips with a car seat or how to open n use a pram. Id look into all this if I was u. It's not up to her to tell u she's got baby's clothes on the ready or pram for when she takes her. She needs to ASK first. And also, I wouldn't let her take baby out n leave DS behind. All 4 of u r a family. Not just the new baby is part of her family. Maybe u could involve her by having her look after both of them at ur hrs a few hrs every other week or something but defo not take baby away.

I think u need to nip this in the bud pretty quick.

We did the ds visiting first thing just like you're planning. My dm brought him to the hospital and met my DH in the car park. My cm then had to wait for 15 minutes until we'd had a few minutes to ourselves. I wanted ds to be the first to meet dd as she was becoming part of our little family. I'd had an elective section and luckily I was first in the theatre that day so was on the ward (but in my own room) by lunchtime and ds and dm came for afternoon visiting. And because I was feeling well enough we said that other visitors were welcome for evening visiting.
I was worried about the in laws. Don't think they're quite as bad as yours but they live two hours away and I knew they'd be itching to come down. Didn't give them the date until nearer the time and had to talk them out of coming the day I was discharged (again, I wanted it to just be the 4 of us in our home for a few hours) so they came the day after I got out of hospital.

Stick to your guns. It's a great plan. And my ds lived being the one to introduce dd to his grandma.

Why are people suggesting alternatives? Like DS gets to leave school early etc? OP has her plan, normal routine for DS, he is first to visit, ithers welcome after, including overbearing MIL. That is a perfectly sensible plan. Your OH can shove off. He isn't having major sugery and having your family gather around when he feels vulnerable. He doesn't get a say in this. You get the final word.

I had a planned section second time and it was important that my DS was the first to visit and he was. My nan did bring him as she was looking after him but she is like a mum to me and I was happy with that. She had bought some flowers for him to give me, he was so chuffed. I love that memory of her bringing him in with a big smile on his face and the flowers.

Do you have a present for your DS from the baby? We did and had it in the hospital bag ready for when he visited. We also let DS pick a teddy from the shop before baby was due and he brought it to give to his new sibling and it went straight into the cot. It's in all the photos and DD still has it in bed with her now.

Personally i'd tell MIL she has to wait until the next day. You don't know what time your section will be and if emergencies come up, you'll be bumped back. Plus you don't know how you'll feel. I felt fine but I may not have done. I also had the bag of piss and no pants on with pad between my legs. Hardly dignified and I wouldn't have wanted ILs there straight away. I felt uncomfortable enough with them there after DS when I had a bad tear and surgery to repair it. I felt like shit and could have done without them coming. Put your feelings first.

I think you're being a bit precious to be honest

You're actually making it a much bigger deal and causing yourself more stress (and upset with DH and inlaws) in insisting DS sees baby first. In the grand scheme of things it sounds very OTT and a bit demanding to be honest.

These threads seriously only happen on mumsnet

I completely get where you're coming from OP, I had visitors after a c section and it was far too soon.
I wish I had waited a day or so, and definitely would want my son to be the first

buttercups if everyone came at evening visits then DS would be in 5 minutes before to be 'first'.
If he came before evening visit then everyone could come then.

I shouldn't have to change that plan and upset a child, or be forced to see anyone, until I'm ready.

After DS I was acutely aware of what I was and was not wearing during visiting, aware of what I was sitting on (even if I couldn't feel the mess between my legs) and worried constantly about this wee bag moving and becoming exposed. It was a vulnerable and horrid position and one I don't want to happen again.

Spoke to OH and we've agreed no visits until evening time (if section and recovery is early enough), with DS first. Then his parents and my mum. The next day my dad will visit at lunch then his grandma and my grandparents at night. No one else till we get home. I am completely comfortable with this.
OH didn't realise how vulnerable I may be afterwards and didn't realise my no undies/mat/bleeding situation.

Was just going to say you probably need to explain to DH your previous experiences as he won't have a clue. One thing my DH said was nothing prepared him for the birth of DC1- with DC2 he felt much more in control of situation even though births were very different because he knew more of what to expect!

Glad he is understanding you now OP! This whole situation has been making me cringe for you. Explain to him as well that you have NO idea how the surgery will go. If you lose a little more blood than expected it could knock you down a peg further also while you recover. Your hormones may be worse than your first birth and you may be a sobbing, crumbled mess that doesn't want to see anyone.
I had a similar problem and one very clipped midwife who firmly said "newborn babies DO NOT need visitors. They need their mother, father and any required medical help in the first days. Visitors are for the benefit of the mother - if the mother isn't ready for people coming in, no visitors." I can tell you my PIL were a bit shocked to be told by a big South African midwife at the desk that "newborn babies don't NEED visitors!"

Also, if you and DH are at all concerned that anyone won't respect your wishes and will turn up anyway, midwives are expert baby-bouncers. Let them know and no-one will get past them! They don't tend to mind being the bad guys.

Your midwife was quite right ginger, she sounds fab.

I guess the question here is what's more important. You being comfortable and happy after surgery (and let's face it, a c-section isn't a walk in the park) and your elder child feeling important and included during an event that will be life changing for him. Or is it more important that one of the grandparents doesn't have to wait a few hours?

I understand her excitement, but it's not like you're refusing to let her see the baby for months. She's waited 9 months for the baby to arrive, a few hours or a day are not going to make a difference to her but things starting right for you and your eldest child could make quite a big difference to you.

Priority should be given to the person who's just had the baby and the children involved.

Hope it all goes well and you don't get badgered into something you don't want.

Glad to see your update OP and that your DH has listened!

With my c section we didn't get seen and taken down till 2pm as there were emergencies brought in.
By time I was done and up on the ward settled it was pretty late and no one but my dh was there.

Even if it's a section doesn't mean you will have visitors that day.

( hopefully your dd but not mil)

Ds I mean.