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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh should treat my dc as equal.

112 replies

ABasicBitch · 28/03/2017 20:22

I married my dh 5 years ago he has a son 16 and a dd 13 and I had a ds 16 and a ds 14.

I feel like they aren't always treated equally for example dh takes his ds and dd on days out and shopping trips and won't take my dc.

Dh earns a lot more than me and we keep our finances separate and he does pay half of mortgage and utilities and this is far. He does pay for family outings it just seems unfair that his dc have a lot more and get treated much more and mine don't.

At Xmas we try and keep it the same. It's elsewhere when the inequality starts.

OP posts:
Creampastry · 28/03/2017 20:27

Did you think about this when you got married? Even to the point of discussing costs of university etc? Does your ex pay towards your kids?

TeenAndTween · 28/03/2017 20:31

Do they all 4 live with you?
Are their other parents around and actively participating in their lives?

Livelovebehappy · 28/03/2017 20:34

Does his DCs live with you? If not, and he only sees them EOW etc, then I think he should spend time with his DCs alone without yours. And he might be better off than you financially, but I can imagine taking four teens out for the day isn't going to be cheap. if your DCs have contact with your ex, presumably alone, then it's only fair your DHs DCs have the same privilege.

Somerville · 28/03/2017 20:35

Every blended family finds their own way to deal with this kind of thing. But no, I don't think YABU, unless you went into it with your eyes open, agreeing to this arrangement. And one where all dependants aren't treated equally wouldn't suit me, either.
I have seen with various of my teenagers' friends that their non-resident parent sometimes is very spendy, out of guilt, I think. Are your DC resident and his not? If that's the case then I think a strict 50/50 split of weekend time and resources might not be fair either.

Original poster
ABasicBitch · 28/03/2017 20:52

Not it's not like an arrangement it's just something that happens. My ex husband does contribute but he doesn't see my dc often. Dh has his kids full time as ex lives abroad.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 28/03/2017 20:53

What about the involvement of your DCs' father?

shitgibbon · 28/03/2017 21:46

I think it's a difficult one because while everyone should be treated the same, I think it's important for his kids to be able to spend time with their dad without their step siblings occasionally.

MrsTwix · 29/03/2017 06:44

I think you should talk to him about this. If you are not having a joint family pot then this kind of issue does need to be sorted out.

RottenTomatoes959 · 29/03/2017 06:57

Why does he only pay half of mortgage and utilities if he earns so much more than you?

shovetheholly · 29/03/2017 07:10

I think this sounds unfair, unequal and liable to cause longstanding emotional issues if not very carefully handled. It's not about the whole family doing everything together, but about the kids having equal opportunities.

skerrywind · 29/03/2017 07:22

Not a situation I would have entered into OP- but each to their own.

SomethingBorrowed · 29/03/2017 07:26

I think YABU considering their ages.
Your DC will never see him as a father figure, and therfore should understand why he doesn't treat them the same way than his DC.
Would be different if they were less than say 8-10

SoupDragon · 29/03/2017 07:26

for example dh takes his ds and dd on days out and shopping trips and won't take my dc.

And what do you do?

SoupDragon · 29/03/2017 07:27

Sorry, hit enter too soon. Do you take them all out?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 07:29

Would your dh give you money so you could do the same with your children? I think you could maybe have a discussion about meeting the expectations for equality of all the children in the relationship. If he throws it's for your ex to do this, the simple fact is, he isn't doing it. The reasons are irrelevant. If he has the money, why would he do otherwise? And why aren't you pooling resources a bit more?

skerrywind · 29/03/2017 07:29

I think it's right that he is taking his own kids out for shopping trips- why not?

Part of the reason I would never marry a man with kids.

User1234567891011 · 29/03/2017 07:32

As a child who had step-siblings, time alone with their own parent is extremely important.

When you're talking about shopping trips do you mean going out to get something he needs or taking them specifically for themselves and to spend time with them?

What are you doing with your own kids?

highinthesky · 29/03/2017 07:43

You do have to be even-handed with children, but that doesn't mean treating them equally.

I think his lack of commitment to your life as a family - as evidenced by his household contribution vs earnings - is at the heart of this. You aren't explicit about this resentment but sounds to me that you need to resolve this asap, in fact it's a conversation you should have had before you married.

He's not BU to want to spend time with his kids, but deliberately making your DC feel excluded is not on either if he had a genuine regard for them.

user1486915549 · 29/03/2017 07:45

It might be different if the children were very young but they are older teenagers , old enough to understand they don't do everything together.
I can quite understand that his children want time with their dad. They may not always want your children to be included.
Do you or your ex do things with your children ?

FrancisCrawford · 29/03/2017 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GloriaV · 29/03/2017 07:48

This needs sorted before the big expenses come round such as uni fees and cars and help with the costs of leaving home.

TcKay · 29/03/2017 07:51

The division of finances does seem to suggest a lack of equality in your relationship, that may trickle down to the kids.

In my experience his vs her children seems to cause trouble in many families and the men (not always I'm sure) can favour their own quite obviously.

It's a tricky one. I think that children should be treated equally where possible and if one parent is spending time and money individually on their kids then provision should be made for the other also.

ChuckDaffodils · 29/03/2017 08:06

If he earns alot more and pays half, that means your half leaves you with much less disposable income to spend on your kids. If his disposable income is only being spent on his kids, and yours on your kids, then yes this is totally unequal. If it is because he is expecting you to be at home because you earn less, and you have to spend your time making up your shortfall by doing all the housework whilst he is out, then yes it is unequal.

If fact, I can't think of a rationale to excuse this at all.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 29/03/2017 08:15

So do you do stuff (ie cooking, housework) for the whole family, including his DC? Do you give them lifts, wash their clothes etc? Or do you basically live separate lives where he does stuff for his DC and you for yours? Because if you are investing time & care on his DC and then he does not want to invest time and care on yours, then HIBVU.

Hereward1332 · 29/03/2017 08:22

Does he take them out significantly more often than you DC see your ex?

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