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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh should treat my dc as equal.

112 replies

ABasicBitch · 28/03/2017 20:22

I married my dh 5 years ago he has a son 16 and a dd 13 and I had a ds 16 and a ds 14.

I feel like they aren't always treated equally for example dh takes his ds and dd on days out and shopping trips and won't take my dc.

Dh earns a lot more than me and we keep our finances separate and he does pay half of mortgage and utilities and this is far. He does pay for family outings it just seems unfair that his dc have a lot more and get treated much more and mine don't.

At Xmas we try and keep it the same. It's elsewhere when the inequality starts.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 29/03/2017 08:25

Do you never do anything with your two children that doesn't include his children? I find it hard to believe you don't.

Putting general household expenditure to one side, you say he does pay for family outings, so clearly you do do things as a blended family. It is not at all unreasonable for him to spend time solely with his two children. In fact, I've seen lots of threads on MN where this is pretty much encouraged.

SoulAccount · 29/03/2017 08:26

Talk to him about making a difference between time and money.

I think it is fine, and good, that he makes some time on his own with his own kids. And for you to do the same.

But you are married, live together in one household and the kids shouldn't see one lot getting more 'stuff' bought for them than the other lot.

amammabear · 29/03/2017 08:30

I would echo TcKay

amammabear · 29/03/2017 08:33

I've never understood the decision to keep finances separate, I can understand possibly keeping some separate savings, but when it comes to the general finances, I can't see the benefit of separating the family unit in such a way- it just always seems so problematic.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2017 08:51

I think YABU. You're focusing on his not taking your kids on shopping trips and not on why you're in a 50/50 set up when he earns significantly more than you. That's the real issue.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2017 08:52

'I've never understood the decision to keep finances separate, I can understand possibly keeping some separate savings, but when it comes to the general finances, I can't see the benefit of separating the family unit in such a way- it just always seems so problematic.'

It makes a lot of sense for many blended families.

CaseyAtTheBat · 29/03/2017 09:11

Doesn't seem to make sense here.

But OP, you're married 5 years. If you didn't sort out stuff like this before hand, or even since, its a it late now. You've allowed your children to be treated this way for 5 years.

TapOut · 29/03/2017 09:41

It sounds a tricky situation and I can't say if you are being unreasonable or not. What do your kids think?

Rattata · 29/03/2017 09:58

I do think it is time to reassess your finances - rather than treating your DC the same as his , maybe the amount he contributes to the the household expenses needs to be adjusted so that you have more disposable income (since he earns a lot more than you). As someone upthread said this problem will get worse as big costs rear their heads such as driving lessons, cars, help with University.

My best friend lived in a blended family and her step dad's kids (who were non resident) got given much more than them - paid for foreign holidays, allowances, new tech etc and it did make her feel like her step dad did not love her. She resented that her mum had brought him into the house, "skivvied" for him and that they were living under his control but that the arrangement had not benefitted her - either emotionally or materially - it is a minefield.

Original poster
ABasicBitch · 29/03/2017 10:43

Does he take them out significantly more often than you DC see your ex?

Yes much more. I do take my dc out but it isn't nearly as often. I can't afford to take them out everyweek.

We decided to keep finances separate as we both had same number of dc and so 50/50 split seemed appropriate.

How much do you think he should pay. Dh earns £115,000 a year and I earn about £30,000.

He will pay for meals out and things if we go as a family but that is not very often.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 29/03/2017 10:47

Your children are yours and your ex's responsibility to bring up and provide for - not your new partners. They have a father who should be stepping up to the mark.

That said, I'm afraid I find your whole dynamic of all under one roof but living separate lives, frankly, odd.

dementedpixie · 29/03/2017 10:55

70/30 split sounds fairer tbh

dementedpixie · 29/03/2017 10:56

Or all in one pot like dh and i

StarryIllusion · 29/03/2017 11:08

I think it is right that he has quality time with his own kids. Like it or not, your kids are not his kids. Do things as a family that involve all of them but I think it's unfair to say that he should not be able to do something nice with just his own children. Do you never do anything with your children that doesn't involve their stepfather or step siblings?

Doyouwantabrew · 29/03/2017 11:14

You don't have to spend money to have a great time with your teenagers.

Still as he earns so much more than you he does sound a bit mean. Not sure you can demand it though.

ChuckDaffodils · 29/03/2017 12:59

What we do is to put the same percentage of our take home into a joint pot. This is spent on house, bills, holidays, improvements, treats etc. It still leaves us disposable income.

I cannot believe he insists on going 50/50 when he earns 4 times your income. Bizarre.

GloriaV · 29/03/2017 13:10

Perhaps you should be looking for a way to increase your income.
Perhaps he could pay for a cleaner so you can work more hours (presuming you are doing the maj of housework at the moment).

BarbarianMum · 29/03/2017 13:16

It is tricky. Are your children worse off because he's in the picture? I agree that if he's paying 50% of the household costs he needs to be doing 50% of the cooking/cleaning/washing/household stuff as well. If he isn't then he either needs to start doing so, or to pay extra to cover the cost of you doing it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 13:19

Bloody hell just seen the difference in earning. I imagine you also live in a big house, so just wow. No wonder your money is largely eaten up on mortgage. I think you really really need to go back to the drawing board. You take home about 2k and he takes home about 6k.

SomethingBorrowed · 29/03/2017 13:37

I agree that if he's paying 50% of the household costs he needs to be doing 50% of the cooking/cleaning/washing/household stuff as well. If he isn't then he either needs to start doing so, or to pay extra to cover the cost of you doing it
Correct

And I also agree that you should pay the same percentage of your salary, not the same amount each.

However re treating the DC, as they are teenagers it does seem natural that you each are responsible for yours. Do you really think your DC should see him as a dad figure? Or is just their mum's partner? If the latter then why would they expect him to treat them the same as his own DC?

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 29/03/2017 13:38

How is the housework split OP? And have his children always lived with you & DH? If so they were quite young when you set up home together, so you must have taken on the role of being 'Mum' to his kids on a day today basis, as their mum is abroad.Seems like he does not want to take on the role of being 'Dad' to yours on a day to day basis. That seems really unfair and I think you need to split your contributions accordingly, you should not be paying 50/50 when there is such a difference in your earnings and non monetary contributions (which seems to be you doing all the work??)

fourandnomore · 29/03/2017 13:47

Another one saying if you're not into sharing your money a percentage of salary into a joint pot and joint account to use for household stuff bills etc then that leaves you with disposable income.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 29/03/2017 13:50

You earn almost a quarter of what he does and you pay half! That's ridiculous. No wonder he doesn't want to change things, he's got it really good hasn't he.

He needs to pay more of the bills. We have separate finances and DH earns and I have benefits (at the moment). We work it so we are left with equal spending money after everything is paid out so DH has a standing order to me each month. That is a fairer way. Although our DCs are ours so it is easier.

Everyone in my family has different children with different parents. It has never worked out equal and has caused a lot of issues and arguments over the years. This is really something that should have been sorted out before you got married. Given his children live with you, then the how everyone is treated isn't fair.

Softkitty2 · 29/03/2017 13:54

So when your dh takes his dc out for shopoing etc what does your dc think/say?

Do they feel the inequality?

Kiroro · 29/03/2017 14:00

50/50 is fair.... ifhe is also doing 50% of ALL the houshold and child stuff.

Are you cooking, cleaning, washing clothes for him? For his children?

If so you've walked right into this one!