To think that dh should treat my dc as equal.

[ABasicBitch]

I married my dh 5 years ago he has a son 16 and a dd 13 and I had a ds 16 and a ds 14.

I feel like they aren't always treated equally for example dh takes his ds and dd on days out and shopping trips and won't take my dc.

Dh earns a lot more than me and we keep our finances separate and he does pay half of mortgage and utilities and this is far. He does pay for family outings it just seems unfair that his dc have a lot more and get treated much more and mine don't.

At Xmas we try and keep it the same. It's elsewhere when the inequality starts.

Are you getting any maintenance?

Agree 50/50 in finances is 'fair' if he does 50/50 of everything else in the house.

50 50 doesn't make sense if he's got so much more "spends" than you.

Together, you should be supporting equal lives for all 4 children.

50/50 is madness considering he earns three times what you do.
I wouldn't have signed up for this!
You need to renegotiate, but maintenance from your ex should also be taken into account.
You should each have the same spending money per month, otherwise it's not a marriage. "All my worldly goods" is the key phrase. You sound like flat mates.

In your financial situation, and the fact the kids live with you, he is being a complete fucking tightwad.

What will happen when/if all the children want to go to uni? Will he help his child but not yours?

So when your dh takes his dc out for shopoing etc what does your dc think/say?

Yes they do notice. Dh kids get a lot spent on them particularly ds. Dh will buy expensive clothes, shoes and brought ds a very expensive watch for Xmas. I do think it's unfair as I do take role of mum day to day and dh should do the same. My income includes the child mantainance.

Dh tends to do the work in the garden. But it is pretty equally split between him and dh.

Between me and dh.

you've got 4 kids living with you both full time.....you're bringing them up as siblings.....they should ALL be subject to the same rules, boundaries and discipline within reason.

You're married......ALL money is FAMILY money and you should have the same access to those funds.

This set up isn't fair on you or your dc, and neither does this marriage sound like a partnership.
You're running TWO households under one roof instead of ONE.
What was the point in getting married and moving in together with your dc?

The current set up is all in his favour - he earns a hell of a lot more than you but only contributes 50% of bills.....you both should be paying in proportion to your earnings - otherwise one person is always going to be out of pocket/skint/can't afford the same lifestyle as their spouse....

He also gets the benefits of a live in sex partner, a housekeeper and childcare for his dc for FREE....
He knew you and your dc came as a package, so why do you 3 now have to live like the 'poor relatives' in your own home?

When it comes to benefits, school meals, uni fees, tax credits etc it's your JOINT income that is used for calculations - not individual.
If you lost your job you wouldn't qualify for out-of-work benefits as they would expect your husband to provide for you.
Your dc will be the ones negatively impacted by these rules - because under your current set up he won't pay towards their school/uni costs.

Does your H understand all this?
I bet he does....but for some reason he doesn't want to share his money with you or your dc - it' all belongs to him apparently.

This whole relationship/marriage set up only works for and benefits him and his dc - when it should be for the benefit of you ALL.

I suggest you seek advice from W.A or C.A.B on how your finances are affected by this marriage & what is 'appropriate'......so far you're constantly making a 'loss' whilst he makes 'profit'.

Sorry if it sounds business like, but that's what i see happening here.
It's sounds more like a business arrangement than a partnership.

If he doesn't want to be "dad" to all (financially) then he needs to start paying you for being mum. About £30,000pa would cover it, as he's not providing accommodation. Seriously, charge him.

Even if we paid as a proportion so I paid 30% dh pay 70% he would still end up with more disposable income.

I would imagine that would still be the case if you didn't pay anythjng.

You said earlier all the children are treated the same at xmas and birthday. Then contradicted this with his ds's expensive present.

The children really should be treated the same. Your dh can afford it.

Yes but hopefully/presumably your disposable income would increase so you could buy more for your kids.

Work out what proportion of his salary yours is, and see where that takes you.

You take home approx 32% of what he does.

It's not days out because of coarse they should get time with dad it's the inequality when it comes to the things they get brought.

For example my son and dss have birthdays 3 weeks apart.

For dss he and 4 friends went to thorpe park, all had fast track for rides. The party came to £500 plus food.

My son went to cinema had 3 friends over and got a takeaway pizza. Nothing wrong with that type of birthday but I don't want my son to feel less worthy of anything.

This sounds awful.

Do they go to the same schools? Surely friends will start to notice things like the birthday?

How do the kids get along? Even if they really like each other - isn't it a bi awkward between them because of such different lifestyles while all living in the same house?

Is this arrangement going to run into the rest of your life? No university for yours and Oxbridge for his? Deposit for a house for his and not yours? You in a shitty bedsit worrying about the heat and him retiring to the Bahamas?

It doesn't sound like a marriage to be honest. Or a family. Maybe time to sit down and revisit it.

he would still end up with more disposable income

Not necessarily. Plenty of spouses choose at that point, after having paid all household bills/put aside X amount into joint savings acc, to split the remainder 50/50 into their own personal accounts/spends.

That way you're on an equal footing and can avoid the resentments and arguments - ideally!

the eldest dc are coming up to college age, have neither of you started talking about colleges and costs?

So they don't get treated the same at xmas and birthdays. No I wouldn't be happy. And yes, you need to start discussing FE.

*Do they go to the same schools? Surely friends will start to notice things like the birthday?

How do the kids get along? Even if they really like each other - isn't it a bi awkward between them because of such different lifestyles while all living in the same house?*

They do go to the same school but don't have the same friends. But peers have noticed because of social media etc.

The relationship isn't bad but it isn't good.

The situation sounds hellish for your children. And he sounds a selfish dick. Either children are treated as equals or you need to think about moving out. Because it isn't fair for your children to be treated as second class citizens in their own home.

In regards to Uni both boys will be getting student loans.

But you're married and all living together as a family. I don't think he should be taking his own children out separately nor treating them more either. That's awful.