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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh should treat my dc as equal.

112 replies

ABasicBitch · 28/03/2017 20:22

I married my dh 5 years ago he has a son 16 and a dd 13 and I had a ds 16 and a ds 14.

I feel like they aren't always treated equally for example dh takes his ds and dd on days out and shopping trips and won't take my dc.

Dh earns a lot more than me and we keep our finances separate and he does pay half of mortgage and utilities and this is far. He does pay for family outings it just seems unfair that his dc have a lot more and get treated much more and mine don't.

At Xmas we try and keep it the same. It's elsewhere when the inequality starts.

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 29/03/2017 19:12

Not sure they will be eligible for loans with an income that high.

But yes, this is grossly unfair, mainly because there is no family pot.

I think, if he's open to listening, then you sit down and work out what gets paid out, what comes in, what's a fair amount of money to be allocated to spending on each child and what should be kept back in savings/whole family trips etc.

Although DP and I have separate accounts and finances, we split the bills down the middle and if one of us needs money and don't have it then the other pays. Equally whoever has money in the bank pays for petrol and food shopping. But we are pretty lax on finances and don't keep a tally of who has had what spent on them etc. If someone needs something we buy it. It works itself out over time. I certainly wouldn't want one or two dc to be taken out and have loads spent on them on a regular basis to the detriment of the others. That is grossly unfair, no matter whose children they are.

Falafelings · 29/03/2017 19:16

I think you're being very materialistic and grabby. They are yours and your ex's kids, his kids are his and his ex's. It's fine to keep finances separate. Your children are old enough to understand the set up. They are not toddlers. You can easily have fun and days out without mass consumerism. There's lots of cheap or free stuff to do if you look. It's not like they are on the bread line and doing without. It's positive to teach your kids about living within their means.

Falafelings · 29/03/2017 19:17

It's important you spend time with your kids and he spends time with his

ScouseQueen · 29/03/2017 19:20

When my DH earned 3x what I did, he paid 3x as much as me into our joint account. At his suggestion, because he said that was only fair.

Booshbeesh · 29/03/2017 19:23

I think you're being very materialistic and grabby. They are yours and your ex's kids, his kids are his and his ex's

If this is the case then surely OP doesnt have to cook and clean for there children or do there washing or pick up after them...

purpleprincess24 · 29/03/2017 19:24

We each have a son from a previous relationship with only a 3 month age difference.

We have been living together since they were 8 and from then on they were treated more or less the same.

However when we got married a couple of years later, we both changed our Wills so that both our estates would be split 50/50 between the 2 of them. It's worded in such a way that our wills mirror one another and say for example my DH dies first, I could not the change my Will purely in favour or my biological son.

We still do some things with an individual son, strangely enough not always our 'own', my stepson and I have a particular interest, which the other two hate, so we'll often have a day out together

To us we four are a family unit 2 parents 2 children (not counting the animals)

armpitz · 29/03/2017 19:25

This is where I think blended families are so hard as I think you're both being reasonable.

SlinkyTink · 29/03/2017 19:37

Tricky, tricky, tricky. Confused 🤔

I can see both sides but I think overall it seems unfair and that the money should be split more fairly. I think the unfairness might really come into its own when the kids get older (cars/Uni etc)

My DH spends more on our kids when he takes them out. I think because he gets to spend a lot less time with him that it's ok that he treats them when he is with them. IYSWIM. Is that what happens with your DH.

Does any of your DHs money come from his family?

KungFuEric · 29/03/2017 19:39

I think you're deluded if you believe your children will get student loans that are going to support them through university.

seven201 · 29/03/2017 19:48

Your husband sounds like a selfish prick. Sorry. It's just so fucking horrible and it's not like he can't afford it! Your poor kids.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 29/03/2017 20:39

This sounds awful. What kind of man could leave himself with 4x more disposable income than his wife? Not a man I'd want to be with...

wherearemymarbles · 29/03/2017 21:52

They are not his children, hes is not obliged to love them as his own (or even love them) or treat them as his own. And men can be very detached when it comes to these things.

As he is the higher earner then maybe he sees it that The op lives in s far nicer house than she might otherwise and Has far more financial security than she might otherwise.

Yes he should be fairer and it needs to be mentioned and i think you need to discuss actaully how he views the split of assets

I suspect as he had the earnings before you met, ie you didnt grow together as it were, he thinks your money is yours and his is his

And for what its worth I can think of few women i know who would not blend a family with such a earnings disparity in the 1st place!

LimitedSedition · 29/03/2017 21:57

To be honest, I couldn't earn 115k a year and let my 30k partner put 50% in.

I think perhaps you might need to review a few things.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2017 08:11

'We decided to keep finances separate as we both had same number of dc and so 50/50 split seemed appropriate.'

He's a spouse, not a flatmate. And one who vastly outearns you. How do you think your kids will get such loans with a household income that high?

honeylulu · 30/03/2017 08:30

I think it's OK for him to spend SOME time with just his kids but the finance side is unfair especially as you are contributing more in terms of unpaid household labour for all the kids (and adults). I'm gobsmacked that is income is 4x more yet you have to pay 50% if all expenditure. He is better off as a result of this arrangement and therefore has more to splurge on his kids.
This is compounded by the fact that, if I understand correctly, your £30k income includes maintenance from your ex for your children. So by sharing this money you are in fact subsidising him and his children by freeing up more of his already plentiful cash (which he chooses to spend on them only).
Can you see how ridiculous that is?

BorrowedHeart · 30/03/2017 09:05

Have you even spoken to him about all this first? It could be as simple as he hasn't realised and would happily change. All those attacking him for not paying more, the op has said they both agreed with 50/50 split, again is he meant to just read her mind? OP actually talk to him and ask him about re evaluating your finances if he doesn't want to and that doesn't suit you then leave, I'm sure money wise you will be fine anyway.

northernshepherdess · 30/03/2017 10:08

Ooo. .. lucky OP that she can live in a house so far above her earnings because of DH. DH is a dick.
He goes out with his DC and that's fine... but because of the unfair split in outgoings and work no doubt, DW and DSC have to stay in and keep house.
DH will also be able to amass savings while DW will always be on the line and in a precarious position.
Not on at all.
Input should be based on percentage for sure or you can end up with a situation where a DW works 16 hours and gets £80 the rest of the time is a housewife, while DH gets 200k a year but wife owes hubby week in week out for not having enough to split 50 50. Its ridiculous.
Talk to him. See if he's a dick about it

JaniceBattersby · 30/03/2017 10:14

Christ. It's like a modern-day Cinderella.

This is why I would absolutely never be married to someone who didn't think family money was family money, the situation would be completely untenable for me. Your poor kids.

jojo2916 · 30/03/2017 10:38

Id rather be single than with a man who didn't love my kids as their own my dc dad is no longer alive to have a part in their life though so I might feel different if they had a dad they saw regularly.

BurningViolin · 30/03/2017 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ABasicBitch · 30/03/2017 11:48

I have changed the arrangement with dh and we will now share finances in a joint account as of Saturday. He was fine with it.

OP posts:
BurningViolin · 30/03/2017 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2017 13:33

DH is not a dick! Hooray.

CaseyAtTheBat · 30/03/2017 16:02

Well thats nice and all but its a bit late for your children that have had 5 years of being treated as second class citizens in their own home.

Original poster
ABasicBitch · 30/03/2017 17:03

Well I can't rectify the past can I.

OP posts: