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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel much more comfortable with men than women

124 replies

user1489943514 · 23/03/2017 07:55

Almost all my close friends are men. Wherever I've worked I've always found it was men who made more of an effort to chat to me and who I became friendly with.
I feel nervous and shy with women who are older than me and lack confidence communicating with them. While with men I am the most bubbly person around.

Wherever I've worked, I've always had very positive feedback from Male managers but female managers criticise more.

Men just seem to 'get me' more than other women.

I have some female friends and have female colleagues I got on great with but generally, Men just seem to much prefer me and I feel more comfortable with them. It's rare I meet a woman I feel I can really be myself with and feel confident around.

Is it just me? AIBU?

OP posts:
Trills · 23/03/2017 08:20

In what way do you think you are acting differently around men and women?

Did something happen in your past to make you think that "girls are mean" or similar, and now you begin every interaction with women as if you don't expect to get along with them?

Men and women are not such distinct groups with non-overlapping personalities that this could happen without you behaving differently to them.

Mysterycat23 · 23/03/2017 08:24

YANBU. But based on how similar past threads have gone, prepare for a flaming.

QuentinSummers · 23/03/2017 08:24

YABU. Are you quite young? I used to feel like that but as I've got older 1) men aren't as interested or positive to me 2) women have been the ones who have unquestioningly had my back, again and again.
I think you've probably subconsciously internalised the view that women aren't as valuable as men, that they are bitches etc. It's a shame because you are missing out.

EdmundCleverClogs · 23/03/2017 08:33

I have always had more male than female friends in life. There's only one period I can think of where the balance was the other way, and I personally found it hard work. I have found it far easier to get along with men and find common interest. Maybe I've been hanging around the wrong women my whole life! Doesn't really matter does it, as long as you're around people you enjoy spending time with.

I think you've probably subconsciously internalised the view that women aren't as valuable as men, that they are bitches

Goodness me, over analysising much? Not everything comes down to the feminist agenda.

corythatwas · 23/03/2017 08:36

I'm wondering if Quentin isn't right here: "I think you've probably subconsciously internalised the view that women aren't as valuable as men, that they are bitches etc." Otherwise, it seems odd to be writing off every single member of a group that forms half the population simply on the basis of what is between their legs. Men and women are individuals.

Also if Trills might be right, that you are unconsciously sending out flattering signals when you are with men, because you have this expectation that they will "understand" you.

JustAnotherSilentOldNumber · 23/03/2017 08:37

YANBU but be prepared to have your post picked apart by the small but VERY LOUD group on this board who are unable to understand opinion and that other people can feel differently to them.

Get ready to be told to WAKE UP!!!! and the men have hypnnotised you into feeling this way, and to be told not to let people tell you what to think while at the same time being told what to think by the poster saying this.

MargaretCavendish · 23/03/2017 08:37

Quentin same - when I was 22 I could have written this post. Now that I'm not such a cute little thing anymore (and that I'm married), I've found that, while I still have a few very close male friends, random new male acquaintances aren't so friendly. Turns out it's easy to 'click' with people if they're making a disproportionate effort to impress you.

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/03/2017 08:38

YANBU. Even in school I got on better with males than females. Still the same now and I'm in the 40's.

JustAnotherSilentOldNumber · 23/03/2017 08:38

You will then have any attempt to disagree with this shut down by this group.

Timeforteaplease · 23/03/2017 08:40

Are you quite young? I used to feel like that but as I've got older 1) men aren't as interested or positive to me 2) women have been the ones who have unquestioningly had my back, again and again.
I agree - totally.

JustAnotherSilentOldNumber · 23/03/2017 08:40

Then after they've shot down and shut up discussion they will forcfully tell you menz will come along to shut down the discussion....

hypocrites.

MargaretCavendish · 23/03/2017 08:41

I feel nervous and shy with women who are older than me and lack confidence communicating with them. While with men I am the most bubbly person around.

I recognise that here you're acknowledging that it's partially your behaviour that changes. The problem is this is self-reinforcing: most women do notice if a woman seems to make a lot more effort (I know you're saying it's a lack of confidence, but I suspect it reads that you can't be as botheres with) with men than women, and it's not an attractive trait. I think if you tried to push beyond your comfort zone and make more of an active effort with women you'd find it makes an immediate and visible difference to how they respond to you.

MyBreadIsEggy · 23/03/2017 08:46

YANBU - I do too.
I am ex-army, and not only is that a male dominated job, I did a job within it where more often than not, I would be the only woman, or one of a very small number of women.
I'm totally aware that because of spending so much time around men, I've kind of been conditioned to converse and act the way my male colleagues did. My mother always comment on my "laddish" behaviour Blush and foul mouth. Once a squaddie always a squaddie I'm afraid Wink
I can get along with women, I just feel like I have more in common with the average bloke!

Original poster
user1489943514 · 23/03/2017 08:46

I'm in my twenties.

I was popular at school and even now I would say I am popular and make friends easily.

It's just with men, I feel they evaluate me positively, while women are more negative.

I'm sure once I'm older this will change as men won't be as impressed by me. But for now, it certainly seems men show far more positive response to me.

OP posts:
JamesDelaneysHat · 23/03/2017 08:52

How bizarre, I was contemplating starting a thread with the very opposite sentiment- I feel very nervous and shy around men. I've never seen men as 'friend' material. However I know for a fact this is due to my upbringing - an abusive absent, alcoholic father, alcoholic older brother and a myriad of violent boyfriends that one of my sisters had which have really prejudiced me. I know not all men are like that and it's not that I expect them to be but I have a nervous reserve around men that I don't know how to overcome. (I am married etc though so I managed to overcome it to that extent!).

Is there something in your life that may have worked that way for you?

Ironically, I am also attracted to alpha male types. I'm sure there's some kind of weird psychodynamic reason for that Hmm.

MargaretCavendish · 23/03/2017 08:53

I mean this kindly, but I feel like there's a bit of a sense here about interaction being quite focused on who provides you with a boost to your self esteem. I don't think that's how you form genuine connections. Try taking more of an active interest in the women around you, even if they don't seem immediately 'impressed' by you, and I think you'll start having different kinds of interactions with them

AllebaraMama · 23/03/2017 08:53

I think it has everything to do with the society we live in. One that pits women against each other.

YANBU op

HeyRoly · 23/03/2017 08:58

Sounds like you subconsciously put on a "bubbly" (girlie, feminine) persona around men because you've realised that they respond to it positively.

Look, it's totally fine that you prefer male company to women, but I always question women who say things like that. Mainly because to write off the company of your own sex probably says more about you than of females generally.

LapinR0se · 23/03/2017 08:59

I had a phobia of men for a long time. Again like a previous poster it was due to a controlling hypercritical father.

How is your relationship with your mum? Do you have any sisters?

lemonzest123 · 23/03/2017 09:02

I feel a bit like this. I have a few female friends I'm ok with one on one but I find groups of girls pretty intimidating.

SarcasmMode · 23/03/2017 09:04

I know what you mean. I think it's as a rule men don't pick apart everything you say and do like lots of women do.

Do you think that hair colour suits you/do you really like Becky/Haley was horrible to me are you going to stick up for me?

Men just want to talk and have a laugh as a whole.

The sweetest people I know are men but so are the nastiest.

Knifegrinder · 23/03/2017 09:05

I mean this kindly, but I feel like there's a bit of a sense here about interaction being quite focused on who provides you with a boost to your self esteem.

This, exactly. But I think you suspect that yourself when you acknowledge that men are likely to respond less well to you as you age -- which is actually a pretty grim thought, OP. Are you really sure you want to base all of your human relationships on a male response that even you seem to be acknowledging is temporary because you are young and 'bubbly'? What happens when your appeal is gone?

Also, why are you specifically nervous around older women? Sounds like some of this stuff if worth unpicking.

LadyPW · 23/03/2017 09:06

In my 40s and I get on better with men than women. They're less complicated in their thinking & I find that easier to deal with. With women generally I tend to find that you have to decode all the hidden messages first.
(And I had a sister, I don't do a bubbly girlie persona (couldn't if I tried))
Some people actually get on better with men. Not sure why others can't just accept that without having to try and put someone down for it Hmm

MargaretCavendish · 23/03/2017 09:09

I don't care if you prefer men to women. I would rather you didn't justify it with outdated and silly stereotypes like that men are 'simpler thinkers' and that women 'play games'. If you don't like half the population then it seems a bit off to blame them for that...

WindyBottoms · 23/03/2017 09:09

I too could have written the OP in my early 20s. These days I find I have a lot more in common with other women.

"Wherever I've worked, I've always had very positive feedback from Male managers but female managers criticise more."

I wonder though, which of those two approaches would be more helpful in a managerial role? Positive feedback is always nice to hear but would it necessary help an employee to improve/develop? One person's "criticism" is another person's "suggested improvement".

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