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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel much more comfortable with men than women

124 replies

user1489943514 · 23/03/2017 07:55

Almost all my close friends are men. Wherever I've worked I've always found it was men who made more of an effort to chat to me and who I became friendly with.
I feel nervous and shy with women who are older than me and lack confidence communicating with them. While with men I am the most bubbly person around.

Wherever I've worked, I've always had very positive feedback from Male managers but female managers criticise more.

Men just seem to 'get me' more than other women.

I have some female friends and have female colleagues I got on great with but generally, Men just seem to much prefer me and I feel more comfortable with them. It's rare I meet a woman I feel I can really be myself with and feel confident around.

Is it just me? AIBU?

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 10:07

Op, my parents only ever complimented me on my looks and were negative about my personality. Did that also happen to you?

Beauty fades so you can't rely on it forever.

JessicaEccles · 23/03/2017 10:37

Men not emotionally demanding ?! Wink they don't need to be with their friends as they dump all that shit on their partner...

Original poster
user1489943514 · 23/03/2017 10:43

I was in Care my whole life. But professionals always noted my looks.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 10:43

Haha Jessica - you're not wrong.

WellErrr · 23/03/2017 10:44

YABVU to pigeonhole and write off a large portion of society.

Substitute 'women' for any other group of people.
Re read your OP but substitute 'men and women' for 'black people and white people.'

Get it?

lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 10:50

Professionals shouldn't mention a child's looks - that's actually very unprofessional.

It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling OP. I used to be very confused about who I am as a person. Mainly because of my toxic upbringing. I think most women will have used their charms on men at some point either knowingly or unknowingly. But you shouldn't feel that your looks are your only asset because that's very limiting and almost certainly not true Smile

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2017 10:52

I think for your own self esteem you need to work on your relatuonships with women, because that is based on them liking your personality rather than your looks, so it's ultimately very a stronger friendship not a shallow one.

I don't think it does anyone any favours long term to be pretty, as their relationships are often superficial.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/03/2017 10:53

"Growing up I was always complimented on my appearance. It I've never heard any compliments about me as a person. So apart from looks I have no idea what my skills are."
Oh OP, that is shit for you Sad. I am so sorry.

ClaireH26 · 23/03/2017 10:56

When I was a gorgeous young thing, all my male managers used to love me too! Even the ones that everybody else complained about, they were super nice to me! Well duh. That's what happens when you're cute and flirty and deferential. Men love it. Women, not so much.

Now I'm in my 30's and speak to men like they're my equal, and expect the same in return. I expect to be evaluated on my work and not how adorable I am. When you're young, using your sexuality is new and exciting. As you get older, it becomes very tiresome. Your older female colleagues cannot be bothered with those kinds of games and the young uns that play them. In short, it's not them, it's you.

Miniwookie · 23/03/2017 11:29

OP yabu, but I'm sorry that your background has affected you this way. I hope you can get some help to see beyond this as otherwise life may get quite tough when you get older and become invisible to the men who are so attentive now. I'm sure there is so much more to you than your appearance.Flowers

makeourfuture · 23/03/2017 11:43

I think you need to be aware that men nearly always have an agenda when being 'nice' to women.

No.

NotCitrus · 23/03/2017 11:46

I've had this, though less as I've got older.
I've worked with some twatty men but none of them have ever gone on about diets incessantly, nor asked me about my makeup/diet/plan for new clothes and then pulled away noticeably when I've said I don't have them.

The male boring equivalents have gone on about football with a bit of 'hur hur, don't you know anything about it', but at least get shut up when you refer to whoever their team last lost to as "they couldn't beat anyone".

My friends are now closer to 50:50 male/female but most of the women are either queer or autistic or both, FWIW.

PietariKontio · 23/03/2017 12:05

I'm a man and have always got on better with women than men, not that I'm socially great with either, I've just never found men that fun to be around - too many negatives of manliness for me to deal with.

It might be also that I work in a field that's (well, was, definitely) more women than men, or was that why I chose it?

ofshoes · 23/03/2017 12:09

I think you need to be aware that men nearly always have an agenda when being 'nice' to women

Way to write off half the population as selfish predatory fucks there.

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2017 12:13

I think your low self-esteem is blinding you OP.

It sounds to me as though the women you come across are more honest with you, whereas the men aren't so honest/critical because you're 'charming' them.

Creating a bubble that keeps honesty out, will do nothing for you or your career in the long term.

It's ok to let honesty and criticism in, they're not always the enemy and can be a very handy tool in helping us to see the real us Thanks

MsGameandWatch · 23/03/2017 12:16

I would have written this in my twenties, as others have said, it's easy to get on with people are want to impress you.

Now though, the opposite is true. I know too much about men, how they think and behave, always worked in male dominated environments and I can't really be bothered with them anymore, as awful as that sounds. I find it difficult to make eye contact or chat lightly with them as I always sense an agenda of one sort of the other. Women are easier and I want to like them individually until they give me a reason not to.

MargaretCavendish · 23/03/2017 12:21

I think you need to be aware that men nearly always have an agenda when being 'nice' to women

I think this is just as ridiculous (and really just the other side of the coin) as thinking that all women are bitchy. Men and women are just people, with a lot more similarities than differences.

floatingfrog · 23/03/2017 12:35

You don't become invisible to men, they just have to be 10-20 years older than you and the dynamic is still there! Grin

OP I do get on better with men and it does have something to do with being brought up with only brothers and not sisters. It is only easier due to them finding you attractive so it is always going to be a positive interaction. I do find talking to women harder because I have never had sisters but also because I am so used to using my looks as an easy way for posistive interactions - this an uncouscous action through socialisation with a family dominated by men.

It is a long slog but true friendships with woman are they way forward you just don't get the instant hit like a male friendship it is a slow burner which develops over time.

floatingfrog · 23/03/2017 12:37

unconscious women.

SheSaidHeSaid · 23/03/2017 12:41

I gwt where you're coming from, op, some people do gravitate towards one sex more than the other for their friendship groups.

My DH has a mix of friends but his closest friends are women. I've never really questioned it but now I think about it I wonder if it's because he has a close relationship with his mum and aunt and it's their influence on him? Maybe you've had similar influences?

Original poster
user1489943514 · 23/03/2017 12:42

I certainly give the impression I lack confidence in interviews and that I do not have much knowledge.

The reality is I'm an excellent nurse, I have had very positive feedback from everyone I've worked with and I do not for a second think I'm incompetent at the job.

It's only interviews I struggle with. I think that's a lack of experience on my part.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 23/03/2017 12:47

I wish I had realised in my 20s that things were going to change, and rather than in fact being someone who preferred the company of men, I am in fact someone who men liked to have around when sexually available young and not bad looking, but less so when older, with kids etc etc. It has honestly been a bit of a shock to the system Sad

Firesuit · 23/03/2017 12:53

I am a man. I'm generally somewhat unsociable, but I'm (completely unintentionally) more talkative with and friendlier to attractive women than I am to everyone else. I have no agenda, it's almost as though some hidden part of my brain feels the need to override my natural personality, causing me to be sociable.

AnnaFender · 23/03/2017 13:03

When I was about 16 I felt this way. Then, I grew up a bit! Do you honestly think that all women everywhere act a certain way and are 'more negative'?!

If you meet one arse in the course of your day then that's just bad luck , if everyone you meet is an arse, maybe the problem is you.

I suggest the problem is you! You probably meet a woman and automatically assume they're negative, mean, bitchy or whatever and treat them accordingly. And that attitude is reflected back at you.

Funnily enough I don't judge people purely by what genitals they happen to own and therefore I have both male and female friends! This attitude honestly annoys the hell out of me!

floatingfrog · 23/03/2017 13:03

Yes Olennas. What I found a revelation is my brothers are totally uninterested in my company now I'm in my 40s.Confused
I was quite attractive in my 20s and they always wanted to hang out with me perhaps they thought I had attractive friends.

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