To feel much more comfortable with men than women

[user1489943514]

Almost all my close friends are men. Wherever I've worked I've always found it was men who made more of an effort to chat to me and who I became friendly with.
I feel nervous and shy with women who are older than me and lack confidence communicating with them. While with men I am the most bubbly person around.

Wherever I've worked, I've always had very positive feedback from Male managers but female managers criticise more.

Men just seem to 'get me' more than other women.

I have some female friends and have female colleagues I got on great with but generally, Men just seem to much prefer me and I feel more comfortable with them. It's rare I meet a woman I feel I can really be myself with and feel confident around.

Is it just me? AIBU?

I always get on better with men and until my early 30s all my friends were male but as they (and I) age, the dynamic seemed to change. There's this emphasis on physical attraction -either hoping for it or assuming it exists and not wanting it. It's a shame but I can't be arsed with the egos that got involved in the mid-late 30s male. It was as if it was no longer possible to believe I just want platonic friendship. Their partners were convinced I wanted to steal them (I'd gone 20years without trying) or the male friends fancied me and couldn't get past the platonic label and became quite nasty about it. I don't bother with them much socially now, it's not worth it.

I struggle with women as they're so much more socially subtle and from my experience bitchy and two faced. I understand that's not everyone's experience but it's certainly mine.

Men just want to talk and have a laugh as a whole ummm, kind of, I hung out in an all male group for a long while in my twenties going out and about, and of course they talk about other people, and not always in a complimentary and flattering way (being human and all).

so much more socially subtle and from my experience bitchy and two faced

I think so much of this idea comes from the different ways we label men and women's behaviour, not the behaviour itself. For instance, isn't pretending to be friends with someone then 'turning nasty' when they don't want a physical relationship also 'bitchy and two-faced'?

I used to feel the same way op. But the male friendships were actually more hollow, not truly based on friendship but attraction. Seriously, you can tell if someone pays you attention because they fancy you and I've had male 'friends' decide they can't be platonic so ended the 'friendship'. Not saying all mixed sex relationships are this way but I've definitely had my fingers burnt.

Totally agree with posters suggesting that you're changed behaviour around men compared to women is likely to be affecting how they react to you. I am well aware that my defensive behaviour around men will be a deterrent.

Positive feedback is always nice to hear but would it necessary help an employee to improve/develop?

This is a good point by Windy. I'd question whether a manager who didn't offer me constructive criticism was taking me seriously. Being (metaphorically) patted on the head and told you're doing really well isn't going to help you advance.

I don't care if you prefer men to women. I would rather you didn't justify it with outdated and silly stereotypes like that men are 'simpler thinkers' and that women 'play games'. If you don't like half the population then it seems a bit off to blame them for that...

I agree. It's also extremely lazy to extrapolate such generalisations and apply them to every woman or every man and then act on them.

I have to admit there is a grim sense of irony in the fact that this thread and the one on most women having been sexually assaulted being the first ones which caught my eye this morning.

OP you are entitled to your opinion - although it is rather sweeping to write off over half the population. I'm not sure why you are posting on a site predominantly populated by women for that opinion to be validated however ...

Some people actually get on better with men. Not sure why others can't just accept that without having to try and put someone down for it

Because a certain group of women like to use armchair psychology, and are under the impression that 'men are only sexually interested in you, wait until your 30 and haggered then you'll see', that you have some serious 'mummy' type issue, or not understand why other women don't want to be part of some odd 'sisterhood'.

I'm always willing to lend a ear to a friend, but women tend to be more emotionally demanding than men. I find it rather exhausting. I personally don't have the time or energy to 'unquestionably be there' for someone 'again and again'.

Women are not a hive mind. As you acknowledge yourself, you act differently towards men and women, and get different responses. No shit Sherlock. And the response that bolsters your self esteem is the one you prefer...That doesn't make it the most genuine.

I was the same in my early 20ies, I was a 'cool girl'. Now I am mid 30ies I am more authoritative, less giggly and more assertive...I'm not 'cool' any more. And I'm fine with that.

I would look carefully at this behaviour, half the population are women.

I personally don't have the time or energy to 'unquestionably be there' for someone 'again and again'.

I hope you never have an experience in your life that teaches you why so people prize having a friend who is there no matter what so highly.

So all men and all women are the same ??

Some people get on better with men because all men are the same?

Some women think all men are sexually interested in you because all men are the same?

The thing that irritates me the most about these threads (and I'm not sure why they come up so frequently) is the fact that the OP gets on withall men and not with all women like gender is some kind of Borg collective trait.

I find that attitude exhausting.

Do you also get on better with a particular colour of person?

Or is it a bit idiotic to lump half the population of the world into one group and decide they're all the same and you don't like them?

I don't care if you prefer men to women. I would rather you didn't justify it with outdated and silly stereotypes like that men are 'simpler thinkers' and that women 'play games'.

Exactly this. It's the whole, discredited 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' stereotype, but flipped to make men simple-hearted, appreciative good guys, and women critical, subtly devious bitches. I find it hard to believe anyone believes this kind of underthinking tripe for two seconds, and not see the irony in labelling woman are 'game players' when you acknowledge yourself, OP, that your youth/appeal is key to your male friendships, and hence that they are fuelled by attraction, at least in part. Isn't this in part a game?

Would those 'close friendships' survive a disfiguring illness? When you're menopausal and dealing with difficult life events? Will they survive your marriage and your male friends' marriages?

I also could have written this and probably still could do.

I have some very good female friends, and some good male friends. I work in a male dominated environment and have done for 20 years so it's natural many of my close friends are male.

I value my female friendships, it's a closer type of relationship, it has more depth. With men the relationships I'd say are often shallower, more "mates" . I find women more judgemental, more prone to harsh comments, than men in many instances. I think women can be really hard on each other, even when close friends, perceived slights can take on enormous proportions, but this is not so common in friendships between two men or a man and a woman.

However as said, I also think the friendships between two woman can be deeper, more important, and more supportive.

I had lots of male friends of various ages and types in my 20's - the friendships dropped away when a) I was in a serious relationship b) when they realised I was not going to sleep with them c) when I gave up smoking and was not on break with them i.e. no easy access d) when they got girlfriends/wives

whilst it is not universal I am sure, my experience is that my male friendships were shallow and not lasting. I was pretty and a welcome distraction at work/a regular in their local so easy to access for mild flirtation but I was not really their friend.

My female friendships are wonderful and enriching and my male friends now, (generally the husbands and brothers of female friends) are great but less deep.

MargaretCavendish had plenty of them (as most people have). Just didn't constantly feel the need to dump it on the people around me. I have cut out two female friends in my life who constantly needed someone there for them. It's not the 'done thing' to say it, but it is draining. I'm obviously not talking about a few ups and downs in life, just the few people who seem to need a lot of emotional support over sometimes quite trivial things.

"Men are not bitchy"
Ahaha don't make me laugh, did you not read the "rudest thing ever done to you" thread?

I have many friendships with men and women and unlike pp I don't feel the need to decide that "men are simple, women are complex"

Once again I ask, why don't all the women who find women sooo complex become friends? Is it because they've written off those other women as complex too?

Queen I have had a similar experience. I still have male friends from that time but they are not the most supportive of my friends and they do mainly prioritise their own families/wives. I enjoy the work friendships for what they are, a chance to chat, have fun, perhaps flirt a little, but they aren't sustained friendships for out of work. That said, my husband has a few female friends, mainly as he's a very good listener and a lot of people (men and women) tell him things.

I'm exactly the same.

I got badly bullied at school by girls as a kid and think it defined how I am around them. I'm very nervous and shy with women. I tend to over think things and be mindful of what I say where as guys I'm the total opposite.

When I hear/read things like: I struggle with women as they're so much more socially subtle and from my experience bitchy and two faced. I understand that's not everyone's experience but it's certainly mine several thoughts run through my mind:
1 - are you not also a woman? So do you consider yourself special and different better than a whole section of the human population. Really?
2 - do you think deep down that actually you're in competition with other women?
3 - it's easier to relate, IMO, to the opposite sex (if you're straight) when the relationship is very basic ie based on attraction. When you're trying to make friends with other women you need more than the ability to flirt and smile.

I find other women a little harder because a tiny part of me does think it's harder to engage and you need to find something in common. With a man, it is easier to use my physical charm and they respond. This isn't what I do, it's just an observation. As I've grown up, I've spotted just how differently men will respond if I'm all dressed up or a bit flirty.

I used to find and still do find myself sometimes intimidated by older men in the workplace, especially if they are very domineering. I can't relate to them as friends, and the whole thing feels a bit uncomfortable sometimes, especially in social settings, I'm not sure how to make small talk. I presume it's my problem, though.

Did you grow up with brothers but not sisters op? That could be why.

I think you need to be aware that men nearly always have an agenda when being 'nice' to women. Even if they aren't conscious of it. So of course you may find that they make more effort to get to know you than a woman. I've never ever had even one male friend who didn't have a secret agenda to try & get into my knickers.

knife - '' ... see the irony in labelling woman are 'game players' when you acknowledge yourself, OP, that your youth/appeal is key to your male friendships, and hence that they are fuelled by attraction, at least in part. Isn't this in part a game?''

This is a good point, however it wasn't the OP who said women were game players, more that she found them more negative and/or critical of her.

It is probably a self fulfilling prophecy now though OP, as others have pointed out. Once you've convince yourself you'll struggle with x, y, or z sort of person you most probably will. Body language that you are unaware of will be giving off signals even if you manage to behave outwardly as friendly and 'bubbly' as you would towards a man.

For me it's definitely the power to use my physical charm to win someone over.

With women, they're not going to be physically attracted to me. So my personality has to be the main quality and I feel that isn't enough.

With men, they usually find me attractive so positively evaluate me and everything else is seen as positive about me too.

Growing up I was always complimented on my appearance. It I've never heard any compliments about me as a person. So apart from looks I have no idea what my skills are.