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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel much more comfortable with men than women

124 replies

user1489943514 · 23/03/2017 07:55

Almost all my close friends are men. Wherever I've worked I've always found it was men who made more of an effort to chat to me and who I became friendly with.
I feel nervous and shy with women who are older than me and lack confidence communicating with them. While with men I am the most bubbly person around.

Wherever I've worked, I've always had very positive feedback from Male managers but female managers criticise more.

Men just seem to 'get me' more than other women.

I have some female friends and have female colleagues I got on great with but generally, Men just seem to much prefer me and I feel more comfortable with them. It's rare I meet a woman I feel I can really be myself with and feel confident around.

Is it just me? AIBU?

OP posts:
Clnz4fun · 23/03/2017 13:04

It's not an issue if you feel you have more in common with men than woman but don't write off women. It is really down to your body language and your own feelings towards woman and they reflect that back.

If you are not aproachable then you won't be aproached really. Don't seek friendships based on approval.

I'm still young and it is easy to get along with men but I've always been aware that it is partly superficial and probably not everlasting.

I have a great group of female friends but we aren't all nattering over tea and in each others pockets either.
I don't exclusively have male friends unless I count one of my ex''s.

Hope you work it out op you could be missing out.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2017 13:12

Ooh, a Cool Girl. How...cool. No, that other thing. Tedious.

As an aside, why would such a man's girl want to come and tell Mumsnet, of all fucking places?

ageingrunner · 23/03/2017 13:14

Having worked in a hospital, I think it must be quite difficult to be a nurse who doesn't get on very well with other women. What about female patients, op, how are you with them?

GrapesAreMyJam · 23/03/2017 13:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MargaretCavendish · 23/03/2017 13:18

pooryorick I think that given the issues the OP has shared later in the thread that's a bit unnecessary and unpleasant

Jackiebrambles · 23/03/2017 13:19

I find this thread a bit sad!

And my perspective is that this is probably quite a common feeling to have when you are attractive and in your 20s. I certainly found the men I worked with straight after uni / before I got married and had kids behaved rather differently with me than they do now!

PoorYorick · 23/03/2017 13:26

Margaret, we will have to agree to disagree. Cool Girl syndrome is tedious and I can't see why someone who professes not to get on with women would want to come and tell a billion women all about it.

brasty · 23/03/2017 13:31

I admit I avoid women like you. Women who are bubbly and make a real effort with men, but come across cool with women, give out a message that they are not interested in women. So why would women take the time to be nice to you and help you? You reap what you sow.

lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 14:12

Sorry but I don't think I'm wrong. In general men aren't interested in women they know they can't have because you're married or whatever. I have found that even with someone I deeply respected as a professional that all along he wanted to bed me. And this was my daughters teacher and he's married. Same with another guy who pretended to be my friend for life. He ended up turning on me because he wanted more than friendship.

Maybe that's not everyone's experience but sadly it is mine.

lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 14:13

I think Brasty is right actually.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2017 14:17

Of course brasty is right. If you set an entire group of people up to fail with prejudices that will be reeking everywhere even if you think they're not, of course they're not going to respond well to you.

It is simply internalised, exploited misogyny. Instead of seeing it for the crap it is, some women for whatever reason prefer to appease the misogynists by agreeing that yes, women are generally awful but not THEM. They are BETTER. They are NOT LIKE MOST WOMEN. Because all other women are just like oh my God my hair and oh my God drama and they're like the only woman in the world who's above all that. They are Cool Girls.

It was tedious in 2008 and it's tedious now.

Peanutandphoenix · 23/03/2017 14:25

I'very always got on better with men than women all my friends are male and the work colleagues I get on well with the most are the men. It's because I can have a laugh with men and banter women are too bitchy for me.

lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 14:26

Yes Yorrick, I agree it is internalised misogyny - reminded me of this

m.youtube.com/watch?v=R8ESgCzGvlM

ImFuckingSpartacus · 23/03/2017 14:27

I've always found "I'm a mans woman" type women intolerable. Also people who describe themselves as bubbly.

brasty · 23/03/2017 14:31

Peanutsandphoenix All my closest friends are female. We have lots of laughs and banter, and no bitching. But then we all actually like women.

lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 14:37

I think I have something else to add to this as well. I have AS so it's really hard for me to develop friendships generally because I don't enjoy socialising. I didn't easily find mum friends (have lots of acquaintances much like many with AS)

Then I met a mum who I'm now really close with - she's a great friend to me and we are genuinely there for each other. She's much more valuable in my life than any man chatting me up at work. So I'm agreeing with a previous poster - with female friendships you may not get an instant hit. But you need people in your life who truly care about you.

witsender · 23/03/2017 14:39

Yup, all women are bitchy and all men love the bants. Yawn.

OlennasWimple · 23/03/2017 14:40

I thought "bubbly" was usually tabloid-speak for fat? But yes, urgh to anyone describing themself as such

I wouldn't have described myself as a "man's woman", but previously if I was at something like a barbecue where I didn't know many people I would have gravitated towards the men rather than the women to chat to (assuming that they were separate groups, which they often are at these sorts of occasions, I find). And previously I would have been welcomed into the group, included in conversation and so on.

Not really any more - I am subtly made unwelcome. I doubt my conversational skills have gone downhill that much, far more likely that my experience is similar to many other women who find that not being young /attractive / possibly sexually available means that they aren't really welcomed into groups of men any more

SerraAngel · 23/03/2017 14:42

I was going to ask about your relationship with your mum as you specifically mention older women in your post, but as you've mentioned being in care then I can assume it's difficult and could possibly be related?

I would definitely seek out some counselling. It doesn't mean you have to suddenly start hanging out with women, but you've obviously got some issues about men and women as a whole that it would benefit you to work out.

bialystockandbloom · 23/03/2017 14:48

What brasty & pooryorick said. And funny, the older I get the more I like women.

lottieandmia · 23/03/2017 14:55

I think being good looking isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Because it's like being rich and not knowing if someone's interest in you is purely superficial on that basis. I've had exes who said they were mainly with me for my looks and that was very hurtful. Since I had extensive counselling when I was about 30, I like myself so much more and I feel I have a lot to offer.

makeourfuture · 23/03/2017 14:59

I am a man. I'm generally somewhat unsociable, but I'm (completely unintentionally) more talkative with and friendlier to attractive women than I am to everyone else. I have no agenda, it's almost as though some hidden part of my brain feels the need to override my natural personality, causing me to be sociable.

Interesting, I have a filter like that too. Mine is that if a person I meet is a Tory, I immediately think they are unintelligent and immoral. But I'm working on it.

BonnyScotland · 23/03/2017 15:09

I love my girlfriends.... they are my Happy place.... we also have a name for women who actively seek the company of men and whilst ignoring us lovely gals..... NEEDY x

Laiste · 23/03/2017 15:10

When you're attractive to a certain demographic (in this case 'adult men') it's pretty much a dead cert. that you're going to be able to walk up to a group of them and get smiles and easy chat. It's understandable why someone basically insecure will take that route most often.

It's lazy, but safe. (although you risk alienating half the population over time as OP is finding).

Reading this thread I'm realising that i did it in the past and i still do it to some extent now. Sounds silly but it's a bit of a revelation. Not a good one either.

floatingfrog · 23/03/2017 15:15

Yes Lottie the minefield of being good-looking and having AS. I had a very confusing time in my 20s.