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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never let DH go on a night out?

142 replies

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 10:48

Yes I know that would be VVU but I honestly have the worse night when he's out and could do with some advice on how to cope.
DH goes out maybe once every 4-6 weeks with his mates. It's usually for a reason (last night was for the boxing) and often ends up a really late one.
I suffer with anxiety and can't sleep at all while he's out. I literally will lie in bed exhausted but wide awake. And then I'm up & down to the toilet all night with terrible stomach aches.
DH is dead good, he always tells me where he's going and who's out. If I text or call him he always replies and never just doesn't come home like some of my friends DPs. He's usually home for around 3-4am.
Last night is a prime example, he cooked dinner when I got home from work, put DS1 to be before he went out and called me just before 10 to make sure everything was ok.
And yet I was still moody with him all day whenever I spoke to him and lay there in bed all night until he got home.
How can I sort myself out? I don't want to stop him going out with his friends although I feel like it but I'm so fed up of feeling like this when he's out..

OP posts:
TheStoic · 05/03/2017 10:49

Therapy. At least you know the problem lies with you, not him.

MrsDustyBusty · 05/03/2017 10:52

You must try to overcome this or your husband will (rightly, I think), be forced to consider leaving. That's no existence for either of you and you can't control another adult to avoid dealing with your own issues.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 05/03/2017 10:52

Can you maybe have a friend over on the night he goes out? Have a fun time too instead of getting into the state you have been? He must be a fab man to accept things the way they are tbh. ..

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 05/03/2017 10:53

The answer does not lie with him not going out, as you know.

My mother was like this but refused to accept the problem was her, not anyone else. When we were teenagers and even in our 20s we'd find her up and furious if we had a late night out, even if we'd said we were going to be late. She would ring round friends' parents, waking them up, trying to find out if anyone had seen me. It was excruciating.

Please get professional help for your corrosive anxiety.

Auspiciouspanda · 05/03/2017 10:54

You need to seek treatment for your anxiety. When my partner goes out I get a nice takeaway, glass of wine and watch whatever I want on the tv. I would really make the effort to make this better as I wouldn't be with someone who was moody all day just because I went out with my friends

MrsMozart · 05/03/2017 10:55

Ditto the therapy and the diversion activities.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 10:56

Thank you for these replies, I was half expecting some LtB, he should stay in and look after you etc. It's defiantly my problem not his and I know that and I have explained that to him recently. It does cause some rows, especially as when I'm going out he just wishes me a good night, isn't fussed when I come in etc, although will text me if I'm out really late to make sure I'm ok.
He is a good man, we have a great marriage but this is probably our biggest problem.
I do occasionally have a friend over, we do a swap and she stays here and he stays at her house with her DP and that does help but I don't want to have to rely on other people. I'm 31, really need to grow up about this

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 10:56

The problem is yours. Dont make it his problem.

I hate the phrase 'let him/her' when refering to adults. Its so controlling and does make for a happy relationship.

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 10:57

Thank you for these replies, I was half expecting some LtB, he should stay in and look after you etc.

You honestly thought people would tell you to ltb because you have anxiety and he still wants to go out with his friends?

babyunicornvomit · 05/03/2017 10:58

I struggle with anxiety too and I used to be the same, but finding a partner who let's me know where he is and the only thing he ever does when he has drinks with his mates is 'wow I love you so much xxxx' cringe texts Blush made it okay.

I agree about getting some counselling because you'll end up pushing him away. He seems to care about making sure you're alright so don't lose him by keeping him on a tight leash. x

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 10:58

I have had some counselling for my anxiety but think I need to revisit it.
I'm actually ok all evening watching to or reading right up until I go to bed and then I'm wide awake. Imaging all sorts of situations like he doesn't come home or gets in a fight or has a crash.. none of these things have ever happened and are very unlikely to which I can understand in the cold light of day

OP posts:
OuchLegoHurts · 05/03/2017 10:58

Yes, you need to sort this out...how about getting some sleeping pills for nights like these? Even just talking a half on nights when you feel like you need to calm yourself down. Lots of people do this, occasionally!

TheNaze73 · 05/03/2017 10:58

Nobody will say LTB on the basis of what your original post said OP. I think I'd actually be encouraging more nights alone, out with friends, which is so healthy, for a good relationship. Nothing grows in shadows

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/03/2017 10:59

What are you doing about your issues?

haveacupoftea · 05/03/2017 11:00

YABVU. Get some self help books about working on self esteem. And see your GP.

user1483387154 · 05/03/2017 11:00

You are the only person who can deal with this and therapy is a good way to go about it. You know that YABU and he is doing nothing wrong.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:00

You honestly thought people would tell you to ltb because you have anxiety and he still wants to go out with his friends?
Yeh a little bit, I see a few posts on here saying husbands should rather spend time with their wives than going out getting drunk with their mates etc. Not how I feel by the way.

OP posts:
OuchLegoHurts · 05/03/2017 11:00

And also, the very idea of 'not letting' your husband out is appalling. Don't make your issues see him as someone you can control like that!

BastardGoDarkly · 05/03/2017 11:01

You'll struggle to get one LTB op. I really feel for the bloke.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/03/2017 11:02

Have a look into cbt and useful worrying and unuseful worrying. That helped me with those kind of nights. Hopefully you'll find a way to help your brain retrain a little x

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:03

What are you doing about your issues?

Honestly? Burying my head in the sand Blush But I do need to go back to my gp. I also have great private health through work that have a wonderful mental health team so will give them a call

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/03/2017 11:04

Yes you need to get this fixed, it's not right, maybe see the doctor and try for some therapy, your husband has to be able to go out and enjoy himself with friends without this negativity.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:04

You'll struggle to get one LTB op. I really feel for the bloke.

Good, I would hate for anyone to think DH is in the wrong here. I feel for him too, he's a good man and generally we have a wonderful marriage.

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 11:04

I have never seen someone reply in here saying a husband or wife should only want to spend time with their spouse.

I have seen one massively unreasonable poster want that. And everyone has told her yabu.

Why would anyone only want their partner to be the ONLY person in their life. Surely if you love someone you want them to have other people.

And what a huge amount of pressure. Who wants to be the only person their partner wants to spend time with? How can one person be everything to somebody?

Squeegle · 05/03/2017 11:05

I know how you feel but I think you're going to need to get some help here. Get to the doctor and see if they can refer you. Imagine if you had kids - how would you feel if they were out. You need to nip this in the bud. I am a bit anxious, but have had to face up to it so that I don't turn my children into anxious monsters too! We need to trust people to look after themselves! Yes accidents can happen- but actually they can happen at home and at work too you know :-)