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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never let DH go on a night out?

142 replies

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 10:48

Yes I know that would be VVU but I honestly have the worse night when he's out and could do with some advice on how to cope.
DH goes out maybe once every 4-6 weeks with his mates. It's usually for a reason (last night was for the boxing) and often ends up a really late one.
I suffer with anxiety and can't sleep at all while he's out. I literally will lie in bed exhausted but wide awake. And then I'm up & down to the toilet all night with terrible stomach aches.
DH is dead good, he always tells me where he's going and who's out. If I text or call him he always replies and never just doesn't come home like some of my friends DPs. He's usually home for around 3-4am.
Last night is a prime example, he cooked dinner when I got home from work, put DS1 to be before he went out and called me just before 10 to make sure everything was ok.
And yet I was still moody with him all day whenever I spoke to him and lay there in bed all night until he got home.
How can I sort myself out? I don't want to stop him going out with his friends although I feel like it but I'm so fed up of feeling like this when he's out..

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:32

I really go try not to be moody with him, I can just feel myself worrying about the night ahead. And then I'm snappy/quiet with eveyone around me. I'm ok with him the day after cos the night is over and the worry has gone. For example I've made him breakfast this morning and we're sat here now watching tv with the boys, got my feet up on him being cosy. So it's not that I 'punish him on purpose

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/03/2017 11:33

Being moody with him all day is just added nastiness, IMO.

It's very controlling. Are you hoping to make it so he'd rather not go out and save himself the hassle? That's how emotional abuse starts...

I'm glad you're recognising your anxiety is the problem but really, punishing him for the whole next day is not anxiety.

MadMags · 05/03/2017 11:34

Sorry! Cross posts.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:36

They're really good ideas ClashCityRocker I'll try some of those next time, thanks.

I don't punish him the next day mags it's the day that he's going out when I'm really worried that I'm off with him. And I know that's not good but i honestly don't do it on purpose

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/03/2017 11:38

Whilst this doesn't solve the actual issue, it might help until you get it sorted. Listening to very boring tutorials on YouTube ! Seriously, there are plenty to choose from too! It needs to be something you're vaguely interested in so you want to listen, but not so interesting it keeps you awake.

Ecureuil · 05/03/2017 11:39

I used to be like this, for a semi justifiable reason (although not to do with my DH) that I won't go into. I feel for your DH but I also feel sympathy for you as this level of anxiety is awful.
I tried not to let DH know how I was feeling, I just 'sucked up' the anxiety while he was out. I wouldn't particularly recommend it as a way forward!
For me it was just time that changed things, and bizarrely having children helped as it meant when he was out I was more focussed on non sleeping babies/toddlers than his night out!
Therapy does sound like a good plan.

Originalfoogirl · 05/03/2017 11:39

madmags

I agree. Very controlling. I'm imagining a post where someone says their husband does this and dresses it up as anxiety.

The the LTB comments would come thick and fast.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:41

I've actually told DH how I feel yesterday. And stressed to him that I knew it wasn't his fault, he hasn't done anything wrong etc. I think he actually appreciated me being honest with him.
And when he got in last night, we were kind of laughing about the fact that I was still up. Then he came to bed and stroked my back to help me sleep..

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 05/03/2017 11:44

Assuming that this is actually anxiety rather than controlling behaviour, I would tolerate this only if you were in fairly intensive counselling.

Otherwise, your husband will eventually divorce you and no one will blame him.

Dieu · 05/03/2017 11:48

The intrusive and catastrophic thoughts you're having when he's out, is typical of OCD. So maybe that's something to consider when sorting out your choice of therapy.
It goes without saying that YABU, but in fairness, you do appear to recognise this. The next step is to take responsibility (ie action) and be proactive in your recovery.

legolammb · 05/03/2017 11:50

OP - I wonder if Microgynon isn't helping things. I was on it 10 years ago at the start of my relationship with DP and went through a phase of tying myself up in knots about him having female friends - it came to a head when we nearly broke up because he had the nerve to speak to someone at a party! Now I look back and think that was absolutely mad. I'm a bit anxious by nature anyway and it certainly didn't help.

Definitely sounds like you need to go to the GP for underlying anxiety, but I would also mention the Microgynon and see if they recommend swapping pills - I was put on a lower dose one

LubiLooLoo · 05/03/2017 11:50

He sounds like a very considerate person! My DH is too, until he has too many drinks in him, texts me to say he is on his way home then goes 'missing' for hours then wonders why I'm pissed off! Hmm

You do need to make steps to lessen your anxiety, especially as he's going through so many steps to help you. I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't let me have a life outside of the relationship, because then, no matter how good the relationship, I'd only be half a person. The best couples are those who grow together and separately.

I would say maybe going to therapy, to learn what the cause of this is. Making gestures to him to show that you are willing to work through it. Let him have a lunch with a friend, or book him an activity (so you'll know where he'll be) with no need for him to contact to re-assure you. Maybe you can have a 'crutch' for when he's gone, something that gives you comfort that you can use or alert him in an emergency? Or maybe you can go out and do something at the same time he is out to take your mind off it.

You have to try and limit the effect this has on you, or it could really harm your relationship and trust.

Good luck Flowers

gamerchick · 05/03/2017 11:52

See I know people don't like it when it's brought up but IF this had been a dude coming on saying he didn't like his lass going out and was moody with her before she went, text and rang her while she was out because he was anxious people would be calling him an abuser and telling him she needs to leave him.

You need to sort this out, he sounds like a great person and it's good he's not pandering to you even if he does see you huff about it before he goes out. Nothing like sending your bloke out for a night out with a smile on your face rather than under a cloud.

If he left you then what? You would never sleep again?

Don't bury your head in the sand anymore OP, this needs dealing with.

ilovesooty · 05/03/2017 11:52

If you have access to workplace counselling and a good mental health service it seems you're ready to address this now. It sounds as though you love each other and will both benefit. Good luck.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 11:56

"Can you maybe have a friend over on the night he goes out? "

How will this help her get over her problem?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/03/2017 11:59

originalfoo. What a horrible post. Maybe one day you'll suffer from anxiety, it can start at any time in your life, and I hope you remember your unkindness.

usernoidea · 05/03/2017 12:01

Hi op. You shouldn't feel bad about this ...you can't help how your brain works!
I used to feel this way. It's completely worse when you go to bed/gets dark isn't it?! It's like a switch goes off in your brain and you totally mindfuck yourself! I'm assuming if he goes out during the day you don't feel as worried?
I discussed this with my counsellor. That and a mixture of medication has helped big style (and coming off microgynon). Very few anxious people do well on this x
Good luck. Use your mental health team who you know . This can be made much better x

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 12:03

He is good and while he doesn't pander to me (which wouldn't help me anyway) he is thoughtful.
I don't text or call him lots while he's out, I sent him one text last night, just before 3am asking if he was still in the place he said he was going or if they had gone elsewhere, mainly so I could check he was ok. And he replied to say he was in a taxi coming home. I usually only text him when it gets really late to make sure he's ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 12:05

I do worry in the day, but bit as much as night time when i go to bed.
I think maybe discussing coming off the microgynon could work too, I've been thinking about it for a while as my periods as well as my moods have been all over the place.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 05/03/2017 12:08

Well of course it would be unreasonable, I'm not sure I could be with someone that wanted me never to go out.

I understand your problems with this but you can't just expect him to stay home because you say so while you bury your head in the sand, you need to take action and start to deal with the issues you have. Make your self a GP appointment and see what help is available to you?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/03/2017 12:09

I'm amazed he's put up with it as long as he has, tbh. It sounds very controlling and manipulative - the idea of "letting" your DH do or not do something rings alarm bells. He's an adult: it's not your place to give him permission what to do.

If it is anxiety, then get some help for it and do something about it.

I do think if a man behaved in a similar fashion and then said that it wa because he suffered from anxiety, it would be given pretty short shrift.

gamerchick · 05/03/2017 12:12

It's well worth having a play with anything you're taking and trying something else definitely. I couldn't work with hormones, any hormones for contraception at all. They all sent me down a weird path mental health wise. Thankfully husband was snipped years ago so no worries anymore. That's not to mention how much stress your body and mind goes through when it hits. It makes for a miserable night.

Herschellmum · 05/03/2017 12:15

He sounds like he is extra considerate of you.

Problem defiantly lies with you, I am sorry you feel like this but you need professional help to deal with the anxiety and I think need to accept that despite how horrible it makes you feel you do need to accept he needs space too.

That isn't to down play at all what your feeling, it's very valid, you need to realise that it's the mental illness and in fact your husband is very supportive.

Hugs.

Originalfoogirl · 05/03/2017 12:16

Annie

I understand anxiety. I understand it well. It is crippling. It also seems to be often used as an excuse for poor behaviour. I have no idea what is the case here but for the most part, that is irrelevant. I have also been at the sharp end of controlling behaviour and it really doesn't matter why someone is being controlling, there is no excuse for it. Whether someone has anxiety or not, it is abusive.

This OP apparently thought she was going to be advised to leave this terrible man, who goes out with his friends once a month, deals with the fact she is constantly on him to tell her where he is and sulks whenever he goes out, then comes home, and has to help her go to sleep.

As has been said, the only way I would accept someone behaving like this because of a mental illness is if they were actually doing something to work on getting better. The OP thinks this is anxiety and has said it's been going on for years, but isn't currently undergoing any therapy. If I were treating my husband this way bhe cause of mental illness, I'd be making damned sure I was in treatment for it. Not checking with the internet whether I should be leaving him.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 12:21

I feel like although I have accepted these replies I need to stick up for myself Originalfoogirl

I do not try and control DH, I said previously that I was dreading getting any LtB replies as he has done nothing wrong. I have also said that I do not want to stop him from going out and I have asked for ways to help control my feelings. I don't 'think' it is anxiety, I know it is. I have been diagnosed from my gp, have had counselling and different medications for this. I came off my medication towards the back end of last year when I felt that I had everything under control which I clearly don't so am going back to the gp. I have also said that I will be contacting the mental health team from work again. So please read my previous posts and understand that I am just asking for help not trying to justify my behaviour

OP posts: