Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To never let DH go on a night out?

142 replies

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 10:48

Yes I know that would be VVU but I honestly have the worse night when he's out and could do with some advice on how to cope.
DH goes out maybe once every 4-6 weeks with his mates. It's usually for a reason (last night was for the boxing) and often ends up a really late one.
I suffer with anxiety and can't sleep at all while he's out. I literally will lie in bed exhausted but wide awake. And then I'm up & down to the toilet all night with terrible stomach aches.
DH is dead good, he always tells me where he's going and who's out. If I text or call him he always replies and never just doesn't come home like some of my friends DPs. He's usually home for around 3-4am.
Last night is a prime example, he cooked dinner when I got home from work, put DS1 to be before he went out and called me just before 10 to make sure everything was ok.
And yet I was still moody with him all day whenever I spoke to him and lay there in bed all night until he got home.
How can I sort myself out? I don't want to stop him going out with his friends although I feel like it but I'm so fed up of feeling like this when he's out..

OP posts:

Foxysoxy01 · 05/03/2017 13:10

You are not going to like what I have to say OP but to get better you have to do it more often until it just becomes normal.

I know exactly how you feel I had terrible anxiety about being at home alone and really there is no magical cure you just have to do it over and over and over until it becomes easier.

You could take baby steps of him going out for a little while and build it up to longer and longer or just keep doing normal nights out but either way you have to ride the panic and just know it will get easier. You have lived through worse you are safe and just keep doing it.

Maybe explain to your OH that you're really sorry you will be crabby for a bit but you have to go through it to get better.

Therapy may help but tbh cbt type workbooks helped best for me, therapy didn't really help much as I was looking for a magic cure and it wasn't until I realised I just had to do the things that were making me anxious and just ride out the panic that I got better....slowly

Foxysoxy01 · 05/03/2017 13:11

Just to add when I mean do it over and over I mean everyday or every other day at least.

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2017 13:13

I do not try and control DH, I said previously that I was dreading getting any LtB replies as he has done nothing wrong. I have also said that I do not want to stop him from going out and I have asked for ways to help control my feelings

I think this is what you were looking for, and I dont mean you were even aware of this, a lot of our thoughts, feelings etc are driven by the uinconscious and you can only deal with them when you are aware of them. I think you do want to stop him going out, therefore you wouldnt be anxious, whgich on the surface is only natural as no-one wants to feel anxious all the time, to the point its controlling your life. I think this also expalins the "moodiness" which occurs before, deep down you are hoping he doesnt go out. Please get help, not just in controlling the anxiety but therapy to understand where it is coming from and if its related to events etc from your past.

YouOKHun · 05/03/2017 13:13

Counselling isn't really the answer. I would see your GP and ask for a referral for COgnitive Behavioural Therapy. This is a far more effective therapy for anxiety and will help you look at your thought processes and behaviours that maintain anxiety and help you change them; this will have applications in other areas where you make yourself anxious. The GP can refer you to IAPT though in many areas waiting lists are long. For private accredited CBT therapists have a look on the BABCP website. I always recommend the 'Overcoming' series of books; have a look at Overcoming Anxiety (which is also available via the Books on Prescription scheme at your local library). Good luck.

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 13:15

For the people that are saying people who are telling the op straight dont get it. You are wrong. You havent a clue.

I have mental health issues and so does my mum. I cared for her and been cared for.

I cant see anyone who said the dh should leave the OP this minute. Having mental health issues is awful. But you can't just control your partner and be so demanding. You get help, which the op will.

I stand by what i said. If the OP posted that her dh does what she does when she was going out she woild have been told to ltb.

Original poster

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 13:42

I think CBT may be the next step for me. The counselling that I had did really help, allowed me to come to terms with some things from when I was younger etc but not really changed my thinking or behaviours.
I honestly do not want to stop him going out, I love going out with my friends and know how much nights out with his friends mean to DH. I just want to be able to control these ridiculous feelings so that I didn't feel ill every time he went out the door

OP posts:

Screwinthetuna · 05/03/2017 13:49

Glad you have realised that you need to fix your problem otherwise I'm guessing he will end up wanting to leave you. What are you going to do if he has to work away or is hospitalised?
I'd consider some kind of counselling to get to the bottom of why you are feeling that way and then stay busy when he goes out.

Original poster

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 13:54

He has worked away a couple of times and although I don't sleep much, it wasn't as bad as when I'm expecting him home.
The worst I suppose was when he went away on his stag weekend, I lost 4lb in 4 days through physically not being able to eat and didn't sleep much. I had to go to work and look after the kids, I was a mess.

OP posts:

BrownAjah · 05/03/2017 13:58

I developed awful health and social anxiety last year. I found CBT very liberating and it has helped me in starting to tackle it. It hasn't vanished but it gives you tools to deal with it. Part of it is exposure to your fears. Give it a try because you and your DH can't be prisoners to it forever. Best of luck - anxiety sucks but you can beat it!

BhajiAllTheWay · 05/03/2017 13:59

OP I feel for you. It must be draining to have that massive level of anxiety. Your husband sounds amazingly supportive. But you do need to get a handle on this. Not only for your relationship but to avoid passing on this catastrophising mindset to your children. What happens when they go out when they're older? Will you let them? Will one of them have to see you going frantic about the other's whereabouts? I used to think this way but with a mix of CBT and anti anxiety got it much more manageable. Hope you do too.

Livelovebehappy · 05/03/2017 14:01

I would agree URBU about objecting to him going out, but I would definitely not be happy about him coming home every time between 3 and 4 in the morning. Where the hell does he go til that time fgs?? The lateness could be contributing to your anxiety. Fair enough if you're young and single, but a married family man staying out til that time? Absolutely no way.

MaQueen · 05/03/2017 14:02

It's interesting that you weren't so bothered when you knew he was away just working. But you went to pieces when he was away socialising on his stag do.

Is it the thought of him socialising that makes you anxious?

MaQueen · 05/03/2017 14:04

"Fair enough if you're young and single, but a married family man staying out til that time? Absolutely no way."

Seriously? Like, really?

What dubious behaviour can someone get up to between 2-4am, that they can't get up to between 11-12pm???

Original poster

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 14:05

It's not the time that bothers me to be honest, when I go out it's often that time when I get home too. There's quite a few bar/club type places near us that close about 2.30 then usually go for some food and then wait around for a taxi. So between 3-4 is pretty standard. Last night he went out about 9.30, went to watch the boxing and then went to a lively bar after then for food.

I do stop DCs doing things that may be normal for their age. DS1 is 9 and I get panicky when he walks around to the other side of school in the morning without me. Or if ds2 who's 5 goes to a party without me, I worry the whole time but don't stop them

OP posts:

RachelRagged · 05/03/2017 14:07

Just seen you once came off your medication . Did you feel you were better and did not need them anymore ? That is EXACTLY what I done OP and it was the worse decision ever . I rehomed my darling dog for one thing as the depression and the anxiety was creeping back onto me and it was too late when I realised. That hurts to this day. Go back on medication ASAP OP. I did and now I can think clearer again, I can action things long neglected again . I just wish I'd realised sooner I was sliding down again and my dog would still be here.

Original poster

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 14:07

The main thing that bothered me on his stag do was them getting really drunk and something bad happening (which did actually happen to one of his friends)
When he was working away, once i knew he was back at the hotel I was ok. The next day I was nervous when he was travelling home until he got nacjn

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 14:07

got back

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 14:08

I probably shouldn't have come off my medication when I did just cos I was feeling better, should have weaned myself off it. Really will go back to the doctors though

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 05/03/2017 14:13

Microgynon. Had one of those conversations about 10 years ago when it turned out all my friends were on / had been on it and we all had mood swings and anger issues which no one had realised had been since we had been on this. Try changing your pill.

RachelRagged · 05/03/2017 14:14

Yes , please do go back to doctors . It will be a start to recovery .

Your anxiety sounds worse than mine (to be honest , and told the doctor this, my problem is depression not anxiety but still) , in fact the opposite almost to mine as I don't mind being alone at times .

Best of Luck OP

Original poster

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 15:23

Definitely going to go back, to discuss mediactaion for my anxiety and to maybe change my contraception. Also going to give our mental health team a call this week to try and arrange some cbt sessions

OP posts:

Oddsockspissmeoff · 05/03/2017 15:23

How can I sort myself out? I don't want to stop him going out with his friends although I feel like it

And yet I was still moody with him all day whenever I spoke to him and lay there in bed all night until he got home

This is fucking disgusting behaviour. And it's not the first time I've seen it be called anxiety instead of what it actually is, controlling abusive behaviour. It's ok when he's working away but not when he's on a night out ? I'm not disputing whether you have anxiety or not. Lots of people do. I'm disputing that anxiety makes you punish him and sulk at him the following day. This rubbish actually fits the criteria for coercive control.

My husband pulls this shit on me. I've told him and told him to stop.I feel like a little girl with a tyrannical father. He probably has anxiety or some other issue, but do you know what, it's not my fucking problem. I'm going out next week and to some degree it's already spoilt because I know ill get the moods and snappy behaviour the next day. I'm actually wondering if it's worth going. And yeah, he laughs about how ridiculous he was after he's stopped sulking. Very funny. Really funny that the kids see me being punished too.

Last time I went out I headed home earlier than my friends(to avoid the sulking) meaning I got a taxi alone. Long story short the taxi driver was a pervert and assaulted me, hands down pants and everything, I had to fight him off. It was horrible and frightening. I came in traumatised and numb. My husband didn't even notice I was upset because he was doing the usual nose in the air, not looking at me bullshit. I went to bed alone and very upset.

It's the final straw. He doesn't know but ill be divorcing him soon. For now ill pretend to give a shit about his anxiety and ill pretend his punishments are funny.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/03/2017 15:33

Genuinely ask for CBT. It can take a few sessions to get into the swing of it but bare with it for a while x

Originalfoogirl · 05/03/2017 15:33

The reason for my anxiety around nights out was because my brother died on the way home from a night out. So was I abusive to my DH by being anxious about it?

For 11 years? Or did you recognise it, get help, and work through it with him?

Did you sulk and not speak to him when he was going to do out? Did you invite the internet in and suggest they might think you should leave him for daring to go out? I never said anxiety doesn't exist.

It's not about the individual action, it's about the whole picture and how you tackle it.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/03/2017 15:33

*bear

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6