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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never let DH go on a night out?

142 replies

Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 10:48

Yes I know that would be VVU but I honestly have the worse night when he's out and could do with some advice on how to cope.
DH goes out maybe once every 4-6 weeks with his mates. It's usually for a reason (last night was for the boxing) and often ends up a really late one.
I suffer with anxiety and can't sleep at all while he's out. I literally will lie in bed exhausted but wide awake. And then I'm up & down to the toilet all night with terrible stomach aches.
DH is dead good, he always tells me where he's going and who's out. If I text or call him he always replies and never just doesn't come home like some of my friends DPs. He's usually home for around 3-4am.
Last night is a prime example, he cooked dinner when I got home from work, put DS1 to be before he went out and called me just before 10 to make sure everything was ok.
And yet I was still moody with him all day whenever I spoke to him and lay there in bed all night until he got home.
How can I sort myself out? I don't want to stop him going out with his friends although I feel like it but I'm so fed up of feeling like this when he's out..

OP posts:
AmserGwin · 05/03/2017 11:10

Would it be easier for you (both) if he stayed at a friends when he went out instead of coming home in the early hours? I used to have this with my ex, and found it easier if he didn't come back until the next day

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:10

We do have 2 boys, I'm dreading when they are old enough to go out, I really do need to get this sorted.
DH has got such a close group of friends, they're all good men who I get on with really well. I would never want to stop him going out with them. We spend nice time together as a couple, in a group with our friends and I go out with the girls too.

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 05/03/2017 11:12

I used to have exactly the same irrational thoughts as I suffer with anxiety. At the time I didn't realise how unusual my thought process was. I now take medication for it, and it has completely changed my life. I really enjoy it when I get a night to myself now! It may be worth seeing your GP as you and your husband are both suffering because of this. Flowers

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:12

Would it be easier for you (both) if he stayed at a friends when he went out instead of coming home in the early hours?

We have done that on occasion but he would rather come home to his bed rather than crash on a couch and I don't like to feel that I'm forcing him out of his own home.

OP posts:
Happyfeet1972 · 05/03/2017 11:13

OP, I think posts you refer to when posters have said that are likely to be about a husband who is out more often than once every 6 weeks. I agree no one is going to tell you to LTB on the basis of your OP. He sounds very understanding and you are fortunate that is the case.

It's good you recognise this is your issue so you can work to resolve it. I wish you luck.

haveacupoftea · 05/03/2017 11:13

Posters sometimes get LTB if they have a husband who goes out and spends the weeks grocery money on a night out and can't get up in the morning to look after the DC on a regular basis. Does your DH do that?

ohheykobus · 05/03/2017 11:15

I really know what you're going through because I used to be the same. For the first year of mine and OH's relationship I had the worst anxiety if I knew he was going somewhere without me. I would be ok for the first few hours and then I'd convince myself that something bad was going to happen to him.

I'd envision him being in a crash, seeing him in the hospital, taking time off work etc. It was awful and I would physically shake, feel sick, not be able to sleep until I knew he was safe.

I'm not sure what's changed but I feel a lot better in myself now. As long as he lets me know he's got there safe and texts me when he's leaving/home, I can relax and enjoy the time alone.

Are you on the pill? I recently changed back to Microgynon and it's been a huge help.

Floggingmolly · 05/03/2017 11:16

You do really need to get help with this, you know? The fact that you really think it's reasonable that he stays in all the time to "look after you" shows you have problems he can't solve (and shouldn't have to).

PixiePlunge · 05/03/2017 11:18

Flipping hell OP. You're moody with him all day? Ok maybe you can't control your anxiety BUT you can control how you act towards your husband.

Originalfoogirl · 05/03/2017 11:19

generally we have a wonderful marriage

Sure about that? You might think so, but if he can't go out once a month with his friends without having to constantly field calls about where he is, then has you being moody at him all day. That's doesn't sound so wonderful to me.

If this is anxiety, I assume it's not just restricted to him going out with his friends.

I had a boyfriend who did this to me whenever I went out without him. It had nothing to do with anxiety.

DenimChicken · 05/03/2017 11:19

You need to sort this out. I wouldn't want to be with someone so needy especially if they got in a mood every time I go out even when it's only once a month/6 weeks. It's very manipulative.

No thanks.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/03/2017 11:19

How old is your youngest DS OP? I must admit I went through a period of being very similar (which is bonkers because out of me and DH, I'm the one that's out all the time). I remember once phoning him furious and in tears, demanding he come home because the smoke alarm was bleeping, FFS.

It was when DS was around a year and a half old and I'd just changed jobs. Looking back I was massively overwhelmed by just trying to keep on top of everything - you know, one of those phases in your life when you have lists about your lists? - I was under a lot of pressure, had just had the coil inserted, my weight had ballooned and I was working in financial services at a time when it wasn't particularly fun to be working in financial services. When other parts of my life calmed down, my need to know when DH would be at home calmed down too.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:20

No does he heck spend all the money etc. He contributes more than half to the bills, usually gets me and the DCs a little treat around payday and we will usually go for family meal out once a month, so that's definitely not an issue.

I'm on microgynon now but am considering changing to something else as I don't think this helps with my anxiety as its worse certain times of the month.

The fact that you really think it's reasonable that he stays in all the time to "look after you"
I don't think he should at all, I was just half expecting someone else to say this. I would hate for him to give up his social life.

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 05/03/2017 11:21

It is wonderful that you recognise that you have a problem. It is scary that a regular MN user thinks the MN advice would be to 'stop your husband going out on his own at all'.
There are some controlling posters on here who seem to believe that it is right for the wife to be the boss of her husband. I think it lulls ordinary posters into thinking its the norm and can be really detrimental for any relationship.
You sound sensible to be seeking help.

Serialweightwatcher · 05/03/2017 11:22

I have very bad anxiety and have for years. Now can't go out alone - can't take antidepressants because I'm afraid of the side effects ... it used to be that I couldn't bear my dh to be a few miles away so he lost a job he loved because of me ... you need to let him know how bad it is in any case, not that he changes anything but is more aware, and you need to try whatever therapy is on offer to help you before it gets worse like mine did. Best of luck OP Flowers

joystir59 · 05/03/2017 11:22

I used to be like this- its a form of separation anxiety and counselling will probably help you enormously to get over this- I had some CBT. I was so bad that when my OH was very late coming home once I was so distraught with worry that I reported him missing to the police!
Also OP- do you ever go on a girls night out? Are you looking after your own need to spend some time with other people than your DH?
It is great that you already know this is your problem and not your OH's, and I wish you luck getting past these limiting and awful feelings of anxiety.

gggrrrargh · 05/03/2017 11:22

I'm glad you are accepting of the replies, it does take strength to listen to answers that tell you you are being unreasonable. Counselling for anxiety again is a good idea, it can creep back up sometimes.

When my sister's husband is away she always asks me to stay round as she is scared of being in the house alone overnight. I always say yes and I don't think any less of her. if you have a friend who can help it's okay to take it.

Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:23

i assume it's not just restricted to him going out with his friends
Nope! If he's late home from work or doesn't answer the phone during the day I start panicking thinking something is wrong.
Ridiculous I know!

DCs are 9 and 5 but I have probably been like this since we had the 9 yr old Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsglitterfairy · 05/03/2017 11:25

I do have girls nights out, I've got some really great friends and love spending time with them.

I don't want to be that person who has to have someone stay with me eveytime he's out, feel like I should be able to deal with it now after 11 years

OP posts:
Hassled · 05/03/2017 11:27

You do need to resolve this, well before your boys get to the stage where they're out clubbing/drinking as teenagers and you have to get through the night just on the basis of faith that they'll be OK, or if that they're not OK their mates have your phone number. The instinct to catastrophise and go through all the "what if?" scenarios is incredibly hard to ignore. So I sympathise.

But just try to rationalise it - what if he gets in a fight? There are police around and they'll sort it out. If he's injured then he'll recover. What if he's too drunk to find his way home? Then he'll be with mates who will get him home or who will call you. There's always a solution.

MatildaTheCat · 05/03/2017 11:27

Get some help with this. As you say,my our sons will have their own social lives at some point and will really resent being made to feel guilty about it.

I'm going to suggest that you look at your dh going out more often initially but for shorter periods. So maybe go to the gym until 9pm once a week, a drink with a friend until 10.30, that sort of thing.

Going out only every six weeks but it then being, essentially an all nighter isn't giving you a chance to normalise being alone for the evening. Look at some CBT and graded exposure to your fears.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2017 11:29

It sounds awful OP, but at least you know it's your problem.

Are you sure the moodiness the following day is part of the anxiety, and not you 'punishing' him?

If it's the latter, you really should work on that because at least you can do something about it, unlike the actual anxiety.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2017 11:29

It sounds a bit controlling actually. It must be very difficult for him to deal with. I'd agree being moody towards him all day is not about anxiety and you can control that. So part of this is how you are choosing to behave. And that's not ok.

ClashCityRocker · 05/03/2017 11:32

I could have written your post a few years ago. It's great that you recognise your behaviour is unreasonable, rather than attempting to justify it.

Some options to try whilst you're looking into other help for your anxiety:-

If you're wide awake when you get in to bed and worrying, get back up. Watch a film, read, whatever it takes to distract you. You're not going to nod off anyway if you're lying awake worrying, so better to do something where you're not worrying rather than working yourself up.

Accept you're not going to get much sleep until he's home and have a kip earlier on.

Listen to a sleep meditation doodah on you-tube.

Or create a playlist of your favourite chilled out songs (preferably not thrash metal or depressing ones) and listen to those in bed.

Grounding. Name five things you can see, five things you can touch, five things you can smell.

Distraction. When lying in bed and your thoughts turn to negative things, Mentally plan meals for the next week, a fantasy holiday itinerary, the menu for a new restaurant - whatever blows your frock up. Should dh and I ever win the lottery, I know exactly how the money is going to be divvied up!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/03/2017 11:32

It sounds miserable, for you both.

The good news is that you know it needs sorting out. You might get even more practical advice re sorting out your anxiety if you start a thread with that in the title. There have been a couple of new things suggested on threads lately, but I can't remember what they were called, sorry.

Good luck 💐

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