To never let DH go on a night out?

[Mrsglitterfairy]

Yes I know that would be VVU but I honestly have the worse night when he's out and could do with some advice on how to cope.
DH goes out maybe once every 4-6 weeks with his mates. It's usually for a reason (last night was for the boxing) and often ends up a really late one.
I suffer with anxiety and can't sleep at all while he's out. I literally will lie in bed exhausted but wide awake. And then I'm up & down to the toilet all night with terrible stomach aches.
DH is dead good, he always tells me where he's going and who's out. If I text or call him he always replies and never just doesn't come home like some of my friends DPs. He's usually home for around 3-4am.
Last night is a prime example, he cooked dinner when I got home from work, put DS1 to be before he went out and called me just before 10 to make sure everything was ok.
And yet I was still moody with him all day whenever I spoke to him and lay there in bed all night until he got home.
How can I sort myself out? I don't want to stop him going out with his friends although I feel like it but I'm so fed up of feeling like this when he's out..

Op what you are doing is abusive. So he did everything 'right' before he left, checks in with you throughout and you still was moody with him. He's a saint for putting up with that. Whatever your issues are, it's unfair to do that to him and your D.C.

I do stop DCs doing things that may be normal for their age. DS1 is 9 and I get panicky when he walks around to the other side of school in the morning without me

Oh dear, you know this is unreasonable behaviour in an adult.

Please please don't pass it on to your children. Because if you don't grow up & get control over these irrational fears, your children will learn the scared behaviour.

You know that nothing's going to happen to your husband,. And you also know that if anything does happen, it will be a terrible accident.

Not a regular occurrence.

I've seen the way that this sort of irrational behaviour becomes controlling. It's emotional blackmail. It really is your responsibility as a sensible caring grown up to get it sorted.

It will take some mental discipline. But do you really want to have your life limited & controlled by an irrational fear?

Having a grown-up dd with anxiety disorder, I'd say CBT is definitely the way to go, possibly coupled with medication if your anxiety makes it too hard for you to apply the techniques. Basically, you have to come up with a plan which enables you to reach for coping mechanisms at the time. It can be done, but you need to be quiet relentless in its pursuit.

And however anxious you are, punishing your dh after the event definitely seems wrong. It's not his fault, any more than it would be his fault if you came down with the flu. It's an illness: you have not caused it, but no more has he; neither of you should be punished.

Come to think of it, this thread is making me realise how well dd has always handled her anxiety, even as a young teen. And we are talking proper jump-out-of-the-window-anxiety here. It has dominated her life for many years and sometimes made a normal life almost impossible; yet she has never made us feel it was our fault; we have always been able to talk about it as an illness that nobody is to blame for.

CBT has definitely been a big factor here- both the techniques in themselves and getting the opportunity to talk to very down-to-earth, pragmatic therapists about her difficulties.

I was half expecting some LtB, he should stay in and look after you etc

I see a few posts on here saying husbands should rather spend time with their wives than going out getting drunk with their mates etc. Not how I feel by the way.

Bullshit. I've never seen a post like that. And you evidently DO feel like that. Your posts are littered with contradictions and the language of abusers ie I don't want to stop him going out with his friends although I feel like it. And you actually expected posters to say he should stay in and look after you?

My children would say you "need to grow a pair". I suspect they are right. We can medicalise poor behaviour or we can make a conscious decision to acknowledge our behaviour is unreasonable and change it.

Hi OP
Being someone who has anxiety I understand this but it isn't acceptable to prevent DH from having his own social life as I'm sure you know. Every 4-6 weeks isn't too often I'd say but all depends on your situation as a family if you have a child not too often but a new baby too often etc.

What are you anxious about? Is it his loyalty to you or his safety? Something else? Are you anxious in other areas of your life?

I would seek help from your GP. Most gps can offer a referral for 6 weeks counselling on the NHS

X

Whilst I sympathise with your anxiety and would encourage you to get help, I would also suggest that you fully examine the sulking the next day. That's not anxiety, that's controlling behaviour. I had anxiety and OCD as a teenager and my fear was that my only parent would die in a car accident. When my mum came home, my overwhelming feeling was just relief and tears. I didn't want to punish, I wanted to protect. I'm not suggesting that all anxiety presents in the same way but allowing it to linger on and being bad mooded and grumpy is an active choice.

He sounds wonderful and if you want to keep your marriage, please get help for your anxiety but also face the truth about your behaviour. What underlies that? I'm not asking you to tell us but to be honest with yourself.

I wish you all the best of luck.

OP has said that she doesn't sulk the next day as she is relieved he is back. She gets moody and anxious on the day he is due to go out later.

I'm really sorry, OP. I misread about the next day moodiness. However, my point about being moody stands. That's not ok. I do hope you can get help and resolve it though. He sounds like a good guy and I think you know it. You recognise your issues and this is such an important step.

I'm sure therapy might be v useful too, but adding to the chorus to possibly change the microgynon. I was on it for over ten years, and only when I dropped it to try and get pregnant did I realise how much of an effect it had on me: anxious, moody, SO angry and controlling. Literally felt like I'd been freed from some demonic possession.

Good luck, it's a horrible feeling when you know you're behaving poorly and have not yet been able to change that

My DH has anxiety/depression. He also acts moody and gives me the silent treatment if I go out with friends or any other 'social' event. I feel as though he doesn't want me to have any fun because he isn't able to....however he says he doesn't like being alone without me and it makes him feel isolated and panicky.

I have started doing more things recently without him, even though he doesn't like it. It means can't fully enjoy things, which makes me angry and resentful. He's recently started seeing a psychotherapist so really hoping he can resolve these issues soon. Otherwise I think I will have to leave because I can't live my life in misery any longer.

I think people with depression really don't realise how selfish they can be.

I think people with depression really don't realise how selfish they can be.

What a ridiculous comment.

But why is it a ridiculous comment?

People with depression and anxiety ARE tremendously self-absorbed: it's the nature of the illness. They can't necessarily control it, but they have a condition which makes them inward-looking and focused on self. And it can be exhausting for their loved ones who are trying to cope with that.

Unless you mean it's a ridiculous comment because people with depression do recognise how selfish they can be, in which case I apologise.

Thank you TheOnlyLiving, that is exactly what I meant and you explained it really well.

I didn't intend any offence to people who are depressed.It is the nature of the illnesses which is not their fault, but it is very very difficult for loved ones, who often get forgotten.

I agree. The actions resulting from depression often are very selfish.

The op even said that she expected some people to say he should stay home and look after her. So she clearly thought that and that other people would agree.

Lots of men have anxiety, but when they display behaviour like the OP there is never an excuse and it's always abusive. Regardless of the mental health issues involved.

She is fine when he works. Just not when he goes out. Thats very telling.

I have depression. It fucking awful and the selfishness of it, for me, is the worst part.

I have also cared for my mum who also had depression. I have seen it from both sides.

And yes the family of people with depression do find it hard and are often forgotten.